It was around 9:00 p.m. on a Friday, when Matt and Jake were at the park playing basketball. They had played a few one-on-one games together, and each time Matt won all of them. Jake joked that Matt won for obvious reasons, and Matt couldn’t help but laugh at this. After they were done playing basketball, they sat down, talked and laughed with each other.

As they were walking away from the park, they noticed two figures in the dark were walking towards them. At first, Matt and Jake were hesitant to walk, until they realized that the figures were two girls. One was a blonde, and the other one was a brunette. When they walked past the girls, Matt made eye contact with the brunette. She smiled at him and continued walking the opposite direction. Even though it was dark outside, Matt could see there was a light inside her. There was something special and authentic about her. She was a true beauty. He could feel it, and he knew that he couldn’t let her get away. So, he stopped walking, turned around and yelled, “Hey, what’s your name?”

The brunette turned around, smiled and yelled that her name was Claire. Then, her friend introduced herself as well and yelled that her name was Sam. Jake pulled Matt to the side asked what he was doing. Matt whispered that he wanted to get to know Claire, and Jake understood. Matt wanted him to distract Sam, while he had a little alone time with Claire. Jake agreed to help Matt and be his wingman.

Matt and Jake walked towards the girls and talked a little bit with them. They found out that they went to the same school together. Eventually, Matt and Claire were able to walk together alone, while Jake was with Sam. There was an instant spark between Matt and Claire. They connected with each other in ways that couldn’t be explained. Matt saw the light clearly that was inside of Claire, but he wondered what she saw. As Matt and Claire were walking, they found themselves in front of Sal’s Ice Cream Shop. Matt explained that he loved the ice cream there and couldn’t get enough of it. Claire informed Matt that she works at the ice cream shop. Matt was excited to hear this and joked that she could give him some free ice cream then. She laughed and said, “That’s not how it works, Matt. You have to earn free ice cream.”

Matt smiled at her and said, “Ok, I’ll earn it. When’s the next time you work there?”

She giggled and responded, “I work tomorrow from 3-9.”

“Ok, I’ll swing by tomorrow at around 8:30, then afterwards maybe we can hangout here in the park again. Just me and you,” Matt said.

She got a little close to Matt, smiled and said that she would like that. Matt was happy to hear this.

When they made it back to their friends, Jake and Sam were ready to leave. Sam and Claire went away, and Claire waved goodbye to Matt.

The next day, Matt was constantly thinking about Claire and couldn’t wait to see Claire at Sal’s Ice Cream Shop, but he was nervous. Matt was always nervous and anxious about things. He texted Jake to see if he could come with him to the ice cream shop, and Jake was happy to be his wingman. Matt was relieved and thankful to have Jake as a friend. It was nice to have a friend, Matt thought.

Matt and Jake were in the park playing basketball, when Jake noticed that it was 8:25 p.m. Jake told Matt that it was time to go to Sal’s Ice Cream Shop, but Matt was having second thoughts. Matt was scared of being around so many people, especially at night, but Jake assured him that everything would be fine. Jake had Matt’s back. Matt reluctantly believes Jake, and they start walking to Sal’s Ice Cream Shop.

When they arrive at Sal’s Ice Cream Shop, it’s extremely crowded. There are a lot of people around the shop, and they give Matt a weird look. A few older people murmur about Matt, but he tries to not think about them and is only focused on seeing Claire. Jake and Matt stand in line, and Matt is both nervous and excited to see Claire. As they got closer to the windows, Matt catches a glimpse of Claire. His heart skips a beat. Lights were shining on Claire, and he couldn’t help but notice how beautiful she truly was. When Matt and Jake made it to the windows, Jake went to a window with one girl, while Matt went to Claire’s window. Claire was excited when she saw Matt. She gave the most perfect smile to Matt. Claire and Matt shared a few giggles, until someone yelled at Matt to order something. They quickly stopped giggling, and Matt asks for a small, vanilla cone.

Claire then said, “Wait, don’t get that. You should get a small, vanilla cone with purple sprinkles on it. People around here think that it’s gross because of the way it looks, but it’s actually the most amazing thing ever. You have to try it, please?”

Claire adorably begged Matt to try a small, vanilla cone with purple sprinkles on it, and Matt loved it. He couldn’t help but smile at her. However, he didn’t think that it sounded appealing. It didn’t make sense to him.

So, he replied, “I’ll just stick with a plain, vanilla cone, but I might try it some other time.”

Claire does a cute frown, and Matt can’t help but laugh at her. She smiled back at Matt and asked, “You promise you’ll try it?”

Matt responded that he promised to eventually try the vanilla cone with purple sprinkles. Claire was happy to hear this and made him a vanilla ice cream cone. She handed it to him and said that she’ll see him after work.

Matt replied, “Sounds good, I’ll be waiting in the park for you.”

Matt and Jake went to the park and hung out with each other. Matt told Jake everything that happened at Sal’s, and Jake was proud of him.

When Matt saw Claire coming to the park, Matt immediately told Jake that he had to go. Jake said, “Oh, so I’m just a piece of meat that you can just toss around whenever you want?”

“Yeah, pretty much,” replied Matt.

They laughed with each other, and Jake told Matt that he’ll see him Monday at school. Then, Jake left the park.

A minute later, Claire reached Matt in the park, and they were alone together on a starry night.

On Monday, as Matt was at high school and sitting alone at lunch, he couldn’t help but think about his time with Claire on Saturday. It was an authentic, wholesome time for him. That same day, Matt found out that Claire took the same bus as him. They sat together on the bus and talked and laughed with each other like they did on Saturday. He couldn’t believe that he never noticed her on the bus. Truthfully, he never really noticed people on the bus because he had always kept his head down.

For a few weeks, Matt and Claire continued to build a strong connection with one another. Claire was someone that Matt could really talk to about anything, and he was always appreciative of that. However, he could never tell the truth about himself to her. Matt kept himself hidden from her like he did with others.

Matt often visited Sal’s Ice Cream Shop to see Claire. Each time, she would plead for Matt to a vanilla ice cream cone with purple sprinkles. Each time, he would say he would try it some other time. He just wanted to make a safe choice when it came to his ice cream.

As things were progressing for Matt and Claire, Matt was nervous and bothered by it. He knew that if they were to be in a relationship, then she would find out the truth about him. Also, Matt didn’t want her to be a part of his world. Matt’s world was filled with hatred, loneliness, despair and self-pity. He didn’t want his world to corrupt Claire, a sweet and innocent girl. Most importantly, he was worried about others. He worried that people would make their lives hell because of who he is, and Matt wanted to do what was best for Claire.

Matt didn’t know what to do or how to go about pushing Claire out of his life. Matt didn’t want to tell her the truth because it would expose him. Maybe she would’ve been accepting and understanding of who he was, but Matt didn’t want to take that chance. There was only one option.

Matt ignored her. He stopped texting and calling her, avoided her at high school and didn’t sit next to her on the bus. People at high school noticed that Matt was giving Claire the cold shoulder. One day, Claire decided that she wasn’t going to take it. Matt was sitting at his usual spot on the bus, the back of it, and Claire sat next to him. Matt was silent. He just looked out the window and paid no attention to Claire. He could tell that Claire was hurt by this. Then, an unfortunate thing happened next. A girl on the bus turned to Claire and shouted, “Can’t you see that he doesn’t like you. You’re embarrassing yourself.”

Claire was close to crying, and Matt felt bad about it. He wanted to respond and tell people on the bus that he actually truly cared about Claire. However, he looked around the bus and saw who he was surrounded by. Also, he realized that his silence would be the end of them potentially being together. Matt thought to himself that Claire deserved to be with someone better than him. He wasn’t worthy to defend Claire or be with her. It would be better to be safe than sorry.

So, Matt was silent and the people on the bus laughed at Claire. She was embarrassed and hurt that Matt wasn’t there for her. When the bus stopped at her place, she ran off the bus, and Matt could see that she was crying. It devastated Matt that he broke an angel’s heart.

A few years passed, and Matt is still devastated by the decisions that he made regarding Claire. He avoided Sal’s Ice Cream Shop and the park as much as he could, so that he wouldn’t see Claire. He often wishes that he could tell her the truth and explain himself, but he’s too afraid to. Instead, he chooses to live with regret and shame in his heart, yet he longs for redemption.

Now, Matt goes to Sal’s Ice Cream Shop and a little part of him hopes to see Claire behind the window. However, he knows that he’ll never see her because she doesn’t work there anymore. For Matt, it doesn’t hurt to hope. Then, he always orders a vanilla ice cream cone with purple sprinkles. It’s actually really amazing to him. Although he enjoys it, he is often sad because he waited so long to realize that purple sprinkles on a vanilla ice cream cone was an amazing thing in this world.

It was the summer time, and there was a 16-year-old boy named David that was walking alone in a town that he was unfamiliar with. It was his birthday, but he wanted to be alone. He had just moved to this new town with his family, and he was feeling depressed. He had suffered a great loss in his hometown and moving away really didn’t help him. In fact, it made things worse for him.

As he was walking, he noticed a candy shop to his right. He had a few dollars in his pocket, and he was kind of in the mood to eat some candy. He really didn’t think that candy was going to help with his depression, but it was worth a try.

He walked into the candy shop, and he was immediately greeted by Clarence, the candy man. Clarence was an old man with a youthful spirit inside of him. Everyone in town loved Clarence. In town, he was called “the sweetest man in town” not because he sold candy but because he was the kindest man with the purest heart.

“Are you new in town?” asked Clarence.

David told Clarence that he was new in town, and he told Clarence his name. Clarence smiled at David and gave him a handshake. It was weird for David. There was a familiarity, warmth and comfort with Clarence that made him uncomfortable, and he wanted to get out of there. He quickly asked if he could have some candy, and Clarence showed him all the candy he had. Clarence noticed that there was a sadness in David, and he wanted David to explore for himself. Clarence was studying David from afar as he was walking around the candy shop. He noticed David wasn’t interested in chocolate, caramel, lollipops, gummy worms and bears, sour candy, gum or taffy. Instead, Clarence found David stopping and staring at the skittles. This was interesting to Clarence. Clarence came to David’s side and studied the skittles with David.

Then, he asked, “Oh, do you like skittles?”

David reluctantly said yes, and Clarence said, “That’s good, you know skittles are my favorite too. There’s just something special and magical about them.”

He smiled at David, and David couldn’t help but smile back.

“Do you have a favorite skittle, David?”, Clarence asked.

David shook his head and said that they all taste the same. Immediately, Clarence responded, “Why that’s preposterous? As a candy man, I am insulted that you think all skittles are the same. I can’t believe my ears heard such ignorance.”

David couldn’t help but laugh at Clarence’s outrage, and Clarence couldn’t help but smile at David’s laughter. Clarence had a proposition David. He quickly went into the backroom and came out with a jar of blue skittles. Then, he got a bag and filled it with blue skittles. Once he was done, he presented it to David and said, “Just eat some blue skittles for one day today, and then tomorrow come back here and maybe have some different skittles tomorrow. Then, you might be able to see the difference of each skittle.”

“Why can’t I just have a blue skittle, then have a red skittle right now? Wouldn’t it be easier to just have a quick taste test right now?”, David asked.

“True, but I want you to just taste blue skittles and actually notice the flavor that’s deep inside the blue skittle because it is truly a special flavor,” Clarence added.

David chuckled at Clarence’s statement and agreed to just have blue skittles. David reached into his pocket to get his money, but Clarence quickly told him that there was no charge. David thanked Clarence and told him that he would see him tomorrow.

David came out of the candy shop with his bag of blue skittles. He couldn’t help but laugh about Clarence. Then, he quickly started to frown again. He couldn’t forget just like that.

As he was walking home, he took out a blue skittle and put it in his mouth. He tasted, and it was amazing to him. The flavor was so distinct and pure to him. It was weird because there was something familiar, yet exotic about the blue skittle. Something magical. David couldn’t help but laugh at the fact that he was talking like Clarence the candy man. He put a few more in his mouth, and he was happy. He was reminded of some special memories in his past that he had almost forgotten. He cried as he was grateful for the blue skittles. By the time he made it home, all of his blue skittles were gone. His parents noticed that he was happier than usual, and it didn’t look like he was thinking about his loss.

The next day, David went to the candy shop and requested some more blue skittles. Clarence wondered if he wanted to try some different skittles, and David replied, “No, I don’t need any other skittles, but the blue skittles. They’re just different and special to me. You were right, I guess there is something special about each individual skittle, especially the blue skittles.”

“Of course I was right, I’m the candy man,” Clarence joked.

They laughed with each other and talked for a little bit. Clarence then put some blue skittles in a bag for David, and David was almost about to leave. All of a sudden, Clarence stopped him. David didn’t understand. Clarence reminded him that he had to pay for the blue skittles. David apologized for forgetting to pay. As he was going for his wallet, he quickly realized that he had left his wallet at home. David apologized and was going to give Clarence back the blue skittles he bagged, however Clarence stopped him.

Clarence stated, “Nothing in this world is free, David, especially good things. Everything in this world has to be earned. With that being said, how do you feel about working for me?”

David was actually looking for a job in the summertime, so this was convenient for him. Also, he liked Clarence. Clarence reminded him of his good times in his hometown. David gladly accepted Clarence’s offer. Clarence was happy to hear this and told David that he would start tomorrow. He even allowed Matthew to take the bag of blue skittles home with him.

For almost two years, David was working for Clarence, the candy man. Those years were good to David. He was happier, and he got to eat all the candy he wanted. At first, he was just eating blue skittles, but then he realized he wanted more. He started eating red, yellow, green, purple and pink skittles. He tried orange skittles, but he didn’t like them that much. Then, he explored and started eating pretty much all the candy in the store. He ate and welcomed the chocolate, caramel, lollipops, gummy worms and bears, sour candy, gum and taffy in the store.  Clarence assured David that he deserved and had a right to eat any and all the candy in the store. In those two years, Clarence and David were almost inseparable and became the best of friends.

On David’s 18th birthday, he decided that he wanted to have a birthday party with his friends and family. He didn’t want to be alone. Clarence was there, and he couldn’t help but smile at David being happy. However, Clarence had to give David some bad news. He told David that he had to close up the candy shop. David didn’t understand. Clarence explained that he’s been wanting to close it for years, so that he could relax and retire in Florida. It hurt David that Clarence was closing up the candy shop. The candy shop was everything to him, but he understood that Clarence wanted to rest and be happy. David congratulated Clarence and wished him nothing but the best. Then, David joked, “Looks like I’ll be done with blue skittles for a while.”

Clarence chuckled and responded, “Oh don’t worry, I’m keeping all the candy I have, including the blue skittles. I’ll definitely send you as much as I can from Florida. But where you’re going to college, I’m sure that there are plenty of candy shops or stores to choose from that have everything, including blue skittles. You’ll just have to look around and find out.”

They hugged each other and went there separate ways.

Five years passed, and David learned that Clarence had died from leukemia. It was deja vu for David. He was depressed and sad to learn that his old friend had died. David was ready to close himself off to the world and be alone. Clarence wouldn’t let that happen. He sent David a package a few days before he passed away, and it was something that David needed to see. When David received the package, he opened it and discovered that it was a big bag of blue skittles. He smiled at this. There was also a note in the package. He grabbed it and it read,

“These are all the blue skittles I have left to give you. Enjoy them and never forget the magic and the special taste that the blue skittles have. Enjoy them and all the candy this world has to offer you.

-Your friend, Clarence the candy man”

He smiled at Clarence’s note and cried. He couldn’t believe that even while Clarence was suffering from leukemia, Clarence still had time to think about him and send him something that he truly needed. That was something to David, maybe love.

Once David stopped crying, he opened the bag of blue skittles and started eating some. Then, he looked up at the ceiling, smiled and whispered, “Thank you, Clarence, for the blue skittles.”

You’re a special kind of drug

Not because of your potency or taste

But because you require me to do everything

I have to help you before you ever help me

But I can’t do everything for you

I need help too

But you don’t seem to care

To be fair, I don’t dare say that it’s all your fault

I’m the one that catered to you so much, when I knew that I shouldn’t have

As a result, you developed a habit to take advantage of me

Now you’ve become a savage that mutilates me and eats away the good inside of me

Why do you do this to me after everything I’ve done for you?

You humiliate and devastate me like it’s nothing

And I can’t take it anymore

I’m tired of this long, pointless war between us

It has to come to an end, doesn’t it?

Or do you enjoy the fight?

Do you enjoy taking the light that God created inside of me?

Do you enjoy creating in me a darkness that makes me more like you?

If so, shame on you

I can’t keep playing the same game over and over again and expect different results

It’s insanity

But you don’t mind because you’re psychotic

Within you is a demonic spirit

You crave innocence and purity like an alcoholic craves alcohol

You’re not good for me

You’re the worst, but I can’t push you away

I’m used to you now

I can’t imagine life without you

You give me a special kind of high that heroine and cocaine can never give me

You always disappoint me, but I always give you another chance because you can change

I know you can’t, but I think you can

False hope is a terrible symptom of yours

That’s worse than dope itself, but I can’t help it

I’m addicted to you

I can’t help but hate and love you

My sweet drug

It was a rainy day on a bus, and a little girl in a yellow dress had six roses in her possession. It was her and nine other people that were passengers on the bus.

There was an old, white, married couple on the bus. The couple was celebrating fifty years of marriage. Although they had a car, they wanted to ride the bus on their anniversary because they had met and fallen in love with each other on a bus. They had their ups and downs in their marriage for years but that was all behind them now. Their longevity was something to admire to the little girl in the yellow dress. So, she walked up to them, smiled and presented them a red rose. The couple gladly accepted the rose and thanked the little girl in the yellow dress.

Meanwhile, another couple on the bus was kissing and cuddling. They were a young, white couple enjoying themselves. It was hard for them to keep their hands off each other, they couldn’t help themselves. They were engaged to one another and couldn’t wait to share a future together. The love and passion that they shared was special, and the little girl in the yellow smiled at this and presented them a red rose. The couple gladly accepted the rose and thanked the little girl in the yellow dress.

Some other couple was staring at the affectionate couple, and there was a deep sadness within them. They had sadly lost that passion and desire for each other. They were a white couple that was married for almost nine years. However, they were going through some hardship. The husband had cheated on his wife. The husband’s affair lasted for months, and it wasn’t until the couple’s anniversary that the husband confessed to his wife about his infidelity. He was ashamed of himself. He cried and begged for forgiveness, but his wife couldn’t give it to him right away. She asked him to leave and give her space. He respectfully did so. Their children were confused about the whole situation. They begged their parents for answers, but they couldn’t give the right answer to ease their minds. The husband loved her with all his heart and wanted another chance to make things right with her. The wife loved him dearly as well and didn’t want to lose him. So, they went to therapy, and the wife ended up forgiving him. As they looked at the loving couple across from them, they were saddened that their passion was gone. However, they were hopeful. They knew that with time, patience, persistence and hard work, their relationship would grow into something more strong and beautiful. They held each others hand and smiled at one another. The little girl in the yellow dress smiled at this and presented them a red rose. The couple gladly accepted the rose and thanked the little girl in the yellow dress.

Also on the bus, just minding their business, was another white couple. They were high school sweethearts and had just graduated high school. However, neither would go to college because the girl had gotten pregnant. They had dreams and aspirations they wanted to achieve before having children, but it wasn’t meant to be. Due to the pregnancy, they had both planned to work full-time jobs and support their future child together. They were loyal to one another, and it would pay off for them in the future. In the future, they will be married, have two more kids, attend and finish college, and have prospering careers. Their future would be bright together all because of their loyalty to another. The little girl in the yellow dress smiled at them and presented them a red rose. The couple gladly accepted the rose and thanked the little girl in the yellow dress.

Finally, a black woman named Monica was sitting alone on the bus thinking about her two-year-old son Jeremiah and his father Kenneth. Kenneth and Monica were together, but it was complicated. Kenneth was an alcoholic, and Monica hated that. He would get so drunk and angry towards her on a daily basis that it was hard to see the man that she once loved. She desperately wanted to get away from him, but she thought she couldn’t because of Jeremiah. Monica wanted to do what was best for her son, and she thought that a father was better than no father. She had to accept Kenneth. She had to accept the alcoholism, the anger and the deceit that came with Kenneth. The little girl in the yellow dress saw Monica’s distress, walked up to her with a serious look on her face and presented her a black rose. Monica was deeply offended by this. Why does she get a black rose? Was it because she was black? Throughout the whole bus ride, Monica saw the little girl in the yellow dress give couples red roses and because she was black and alone, she deserved the black rose? It was insulting to Monica, she refused to accept it.

The bus stopped, and the little girl in the yellow dress smiled at Monica and placed the black rose next to Monica.

The little girl walked away from Monica and was exiting the bus. The bus driver, who was a happy and fulfilled man, smiled and told the little girl in the yellow dress to have a great day. The little girl smiled at this and presented the bus driver a red rose. The bus driver gladly accepted the red rose and thanked the little girl in the yellow dress.
Monica couldn’t believe what she saw. Why did the bus driver get a red rose, and not the black rose? It was mean, Monica thought. She looked at the black rose next rose and refused to see its beauty. It was ugly to her, and she refused to accept it. When Monica’s stop came, she left the black rose where it was and got off the bus.

Monica got home and saw Kenneth spending time with Jeremiah. They were smiling and laughing with each other, and Kenneth wasn’t drunk at all. In fact, he was sweet. It warmed her heart to see Kenneth at his best.

Later on that day, at around 10:00 p.m., Kenneth had decided to go to the bar with some friends. Monica objected this, but he went anyways. Monica was disappointed by this. At 11:00 p.m., she received a call from her childhood friend and cousin Matthew. Matthew asked her if she was home and if he could come over, and Monica told him that he was welcomed to come over. Then, Monica tried to call Kenneth to let him know that her friend Matthew was coming over, but he didn’t answer. Instead, she left him a voicemail letting Kenneth know that her cousin was coming over the house.

Matthew came over to Monica’s house at around 11:15 p.m. and was welcomed in the house. Jeremiah was excited to see Matthew and gave him the biggest hug. Matthew asked where Kenneth was, and Monica told him that Kenneth went out drinking with his friends. Matthew just shook his head in disappointment.

Anyways, Matthew told Monica that he had big news for her, and he had to tell her in person. Monica was excited to hear the big news. Matthew told Monica that he was going to propose to Bella. Monica got excited and congratulated Matthew. Monica loved Bella and knew that Matthew and Bella were meant for each other.
Matthew and Monica ended up talking to each other till about 2:00 a.m. Monica opened the door for Matthew and gave him a hug in the doorway. In the shadows, Kenneth was there. He was drunk and thought that Monica was cheating on him. He heard Monica tell the guy that she loved him, and this made him angrier. As Matthew was walking away from Monica, Kenneth charged at Monica and pushed her to the ground with all his force. Then, he got on top of Monica and started choking her.

As he was choking her, he yelled, “How could you do this to me?”

Luckily, Matthew wasn’t far away, and he was able to quickly put a stop to Kenneth nearly killing Monica. Kenneth ran away, and Monica had passed out.
Monica woke up in the hospital and was in a lot of pain. She was surrounded by Matthew, friends and family. She couldn’t believe that Kenneth physically hurt her, and all she could do was cry. Monica didn’t know what to do and didn’t know what was best for her and Jeremiah. She looked to her right and was surprised to see next to her the black rose. Instead of pushing it away, she embraced it. Monica now realized what she had to do.

Monica realized that she couldn’t accept Kenneth’s alcoholism and abuse, so she ended things with him. Monica refused to accept Kenneth’s toxic love towards her and Jeremiah, and she knew that there had to be something better for her and Jeremiah. Monica became a single mom, and she was worried about raising Jeremiah. However, her hard work and dedication to provide for herself and Jeremiah built confidence deep within herself. She loved herself again.

A few years passed, and she met a guy named Shane. Shane brought laughter, joy and pure love to not only Monica, but Jeremiah as well. Shane had just graduated college, and he didn’t have a job lined up for himself. However, Monica didn’t mind. Shane and Monica promised to be loyal to each other. Eventually, Shane would get his dream job, and so would Monica. It would just take time and patience.

Months passed, and Shane ended up proposing to Monica. She accepted his proposal. Around this time, there love had grown to be passionate and true. Their love was a true and pure fire.

They got married, and their marriage came with ups and downs. Problems and mistakes were made, but they were able to forgive and work together on their marriage. Their marriage has done nothing but grow stronger.

Today, they have been married for more than 17 years and that’s something to be proud of. They ended up having three children together. Their longevity together as one is beautiful and wholesome.

In truth, Monica’s happiness and marriage would not have been possible if she had not seen the beauty of the black rose.

I was thinking about you today on this hot Tuesday

The heat and sun reminded me of your warmth and sunshine that you brought me

I reminisce our times together

And it seems like I’ll miss them forever

Why are you out of my life?

Why couldn’t I hold on to you a little longer?

I ask God, but He’s silent

I want to start a riot because I can’t stand God’s silence

But I’m quiet because of you

I know that you wouldn’t appreciate my anger towards God

If anything, it would depreciate you if I went off at God

You were everything to me, when I was nothing

You never gave up on me, even when I gave up on myself

It’s hard to find someone like you in this world

And it’s hard to forget someone like you

I wish I could see you one more time

I wish we could climb the mountains of life together once more

But our time has passed

We can’t have a blast from the past

And hope that we can outlast death itself

I have to understand that you’re gone but not forgotten

You’ll always hold a special place in my heart

No matter how far apart we are

You were my fire

When it comes to you, I’m insecure

I can’t resist your allure

No matter how hard I try

I can’t deny you

You’re a large part of my life

And I hate that

Why do I lust after you?

Why is it so easy to embrace you?

I yearn for you

But I can never seem to learn that you’re slowly killing me softly

Or maybe I’m not willing to do anything about it

Because I enjoy you so much

You give me everything I want

Comfort, satisfaction and relaxation

And I was okay with the intoxication

And losing my fascination in life

Just being lost in translation with you

I forget that I have responsibilities

Because of you

And I neglect them

Until it’s too late

As much as I hate to say it

You’re evil, but you’re also innocent

You never forced me to embrace you

It was my choice

It was my choice to sleep with you

It was my choice to creep with you

It was my choice to abandon my work

And get closer to you

But you were deceitful

You slowly filled with me with your poison

And made me sin

Not so much against God, but against myself

I had lost touch of who I was

And could barely recognize myself because of you

Am I to blame?

Or am I just being framed by you?

I don’t know the answer

But I know that you’re not the answer

If anything, you’re the cancer that slowly builds up inside of me

By the time I notice, it’ll be too little, too late to be talking about change

By then, I’ll be a dead man walking

I need to make a change now

I need to remember who I was before you came along

I need to sing my song, instead of listening to your songs

I need to believe that life without you is a better one

I need so much, but I want so much more

I still want you in my life

I can’t imagine a life without you

You make life easier to deal with

But at the same time, you distract me from what’s real in life

You make me forget my goals, dreams and aspirations

And you instead fill me with regret

And I don’t want that anymore

I want something more out of life

But I know that it can’t include you

You’ll only slow me down

So, I have to say goodbye to you

And hope that I never see you again

I wrote this poem a few days ago because I realized that I was having an unhealthy relationship with laziness. There were times that I could’ve been more productive with my time, but I decided to be lazy. It’s been more than a month since my last post, and I hate that. I was striving to consistently write in my blog, but I found that I was not really caring to write or post. The reason is because of laziness. In my opinion, being lazy causes you to be careless and exasperated at inconvenient times of your life. For me, I used school and work as my excuse for being lazy. I was telling myself that I could relax because I’ve been working extremely hard in school and work, and I deserved to have a little relaxation time. However, too much of something is never good thing. I found that relaxing was a significant part of my day-to-day routine. I was barely able to get any of my writing done, pray to God and other things that I deeply valued in my life. So, I realized that I had to discipline myself and also find a healthy balance. It’s important to find time to relax and to give yourself a break, but you don’t want to be dependent on it. I want certain things in life but none of that will be possible if I’m just being lazy. I have to be willing to put in the extra work and time to have the life that I envisioned for myself. In addition, I can’t make any poor excuses about why things are not progressing in my life. I have to say goodbye to laziness.

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I used to worry about my future

Because I was unsure

About what my future would hold

This made me be scared to be bold

It made me withhold

Myself from the world

I was too scared to do anything

I was too scared to spread my wings

Because I didn’t know if I could fly

I don’t know why I thought I couldn’t fly

When I had the Word and the Lord

No, why do I have to lie?

Truthfully, I didn’t know if the Lord was with me

So, how else was I supposed to fly

When it was possible that I could die?

I couldn’t stand the uncertainty

So, I stayed put

Stayed in the present

And didn’t progress

I did less and became careless

Of planning my future

Instead, I followed the allure of laziness

Man, I was such a mess

I couldn’t pass the test of life

There were days that I wished I had a knife

To end my life

I needed motivation to turn my life around

But there was only procrastination on my part

So, I was never going to reach my destination

That was just my observation

I needed a change

But it was out of range

To do so

Because I was my own foe

I was stopping myself from flying

Because I feared dying

Sadly, I’m not lying

But then I realized that I was dying

At an alarming rate

Because I was doing nothing

I needed to change before it was too late

And before my fate was sealed

What did I need to do?

Who should I go to?

Where would the answer lie?

When would I find the answer?

Would I find it before I die?

How long could I endure not knowing my future?

I just needed a cure

For the longest I couldn’t find it

I thought I would never find it

Until I was pushed

By the people that I cared about most

I was almost about to die

Had they not come to my rescue

It’s funny how a select few can rescue you

And help turn your life around

This is true

Cause I’m living proof that it’s true

I wonder why it’s true

I guess God knows what he’s doing

When he puts people in your life

And it’s only a matter of time

That you want to get out of the lime-light

And fight to get your life together

And get better

No matter the weather

And trust in God

By just listening to Him

And that’s what I did

And that’s all it takes

If you want to fix your mistakes

And move on to bigger and better things

I’m thankful that I have nothing to fear

When I think about the future

Because I’m sure that my future is bright

If I just continue to follow the light

Today, I was thinking about my Grandpa Jerry Warfield, particularly the last few days I spent with him before he died.

I live in Pittsburgh, and my grandpa lived in Lorain, Ohio. I could only spend the weekend with him because I had school. I got to my grandpa’s house Friday night. It was a little late, so we just watched a movie, talked a little and went to bed.

On Saturday, we did a lot of talking and also went to the Harrison Cultural Community Center, a center that was started by my late Grandma Deloris. That’s another story. After we were at the Harrison Center, my grandpa and I went back to his house. Then, we went to his music room, and we listened and played some music together.

I can never forget his music room. It was small and messy with music papers all over the place. I always got on him for not cleaning up, but he always said, “Isaiah, I don’t have time to clean. I only got time for music.” I always got annoyed with that answer, but now I just can’t help but laugh about it. In his music room, we listened to jazz. We listened to Louis Armstrong, Miles Davis, Thelonious Monk, Benny Goodman, Oscar Peterson and so many other jazz musicians. It was great. My grandpa had a deep love for jazz, and it made me have a love for jazz, too. I listened to jazz almost every single day because of my grandpa, but then stopped once he was gone. We also played some music together in the music room. He would play the saxophone, and I would play the drums and guitar. I knew how to play the drums, but I was still learning how to play the guitar. My grandpa didn’t mind though. He loved that I was a musician just like him. However, he really wanted me to learn how to play the saxophone. He said to me, “Maybe in the summer I can teach you how to play the saxophone, and you can teach me how to play the drums. What do you think of that?” I happily agreed to it. It was a deal between us. However, we can never honor that deal.

Later on, we ate some food, talked and discussed God and the Bible. My grandpa was a true man of God. For me, his spirituality was always pure and true to me. He helped me keep my faith strong with and without him. I always thank God for that. My grandpa was talking about going to church Sunday, and I wanted to go with him. My grandpa was happy to hear this. He was filled with pure joy. My grandpa would always go to church alone, so he was very excited to have someone accompany him to church. It’s amazing how something so simple can have a major impact on someone. I never knew though that it would be my last day with my grandpa.

It was Sunday, and my grandpa and I went to church together. I remember how excited my grandpa was with me wanting to go to church with him. He kept talking about his church, and how I was really going to love it. When we arrived, he introduced me to a lot of his church members with a lot of pride and happiness. It made me happy to see him happy. We both sat down in the front, but then he got up to the front with a bunch of other people. Then, service started, and my grandpa and other people started singing together. I was in the front row, and I could hear my grandpa sing. I can’t lie, his singing was kind of awful. He was barely in tune, and he was a little off with his timing. However, I couldn’t help but smile at him for singing to God with all his heart. His singing was genuine, and I couldn’t help but admire his singing.

After the service, my grandpa talked with some people, and I ended up talking to this cute girl with glasses. I thought she was the same age as me, but my grandpa later told me that she was 16 years old. My grandpa was ready to play matchmaker, but I told him to forget it. He kept pestering me about the girl, and I told him that she was too young. He said, “You’re only two years older than her, Isaiah. But if it really bothers you, you just need to wait two years for her, then you two will be good to go.” My grandpa and I laughed at his comment. To this day, I wonder about the girl and wonder if I’ll ever see her again.

We were back at his house, and we spent some more time in his music room. Then, we just talked and ate some more food. My mom arrived at my grandpa’s house to pick me up. I hugged my grandpa and told him that “I loved him.” He said the same thing and also said, “I’ll see you next time.” I left with my mom and went back to Pittsburgh.

A few months later, my grandpa was diagnosed with dementia. He was never the same after that. I couldn’t talk to him like I used to, and it was really hard to be around him. He was different, lost, confused and in pain. Dementia had my grandpa in 2016. My grandpa died last year in August.

Although I saw my grandpa when he had dementia, I knew deep down inside that it wasn’t him. Dementia had already taken my grandpa away, and I was only left with fragments of him. Truthfully, I had lost my grandpa before he died. I already had my last moments and days with him, and I can never get them back. He’s gone, but he’s not forgotten.

I love you, grandpa. I hope our last days together were as meaningful and special to you as they were for me.

You torment me every day

And I submit to you

Without putting up a fight

What can I say?

You are a false light

That makes me lose sight

On the things that are right

Inside me

You make me blind like Ray Charles

Crazy like Charles Manson

Over girls in mansions

That have no time with romancing

They’re just looking for advances

Why do I want these girls?

Why do I need these girls?

Please, tell me why?

I lie, I know why I want them

You show me their appeal every day

And I keep my lips sealed

And reveal nothing

About how evil and messed up

You truly are

You reveal too much

And I can’t turn away

From the lust that you create in my heart

Instead, I just want more

Like a drug addict

It’s not smart to hold onto you

But millions say that you’re harmless

Regardless, I know you’re heartless

Filled with darkness

And I’m slowly losing myself to you

How can I fight you, when I don’t want to?

You make me feel good

From the beginning to the end

But then I hate myself the next day

What can I say?

I can’t tell anybody about you

I’m too ashamed to

Because I’m the one to blame

I came and enjoyed playing you

Over and over again like a dirty game

I had all the control

But you had all the necessary power

You gave me what I wanted

So are you really the guilty one?

I used you and played you so many times

When there were times I didn’t need to

Now, I’m dependent on you

I can’t think about nothing else, but you

You drive me crazy

Because I hate you, but I want you

Like a kid wants candy

I want you to leave me alone

But you’re always around

You drown me with your presence

And you slowly kill me

I need something to heal me

Before it’s too late

And my fate is sealed

With you in my future

And I can’t have that

I can’t have you in my mind

On rewind

I can’t have you in my home

I can’t have you near my family

I can’t have you where I work

I can’t have you near my wife

I can’t have you near my children

I can’t have you in my life

Because you’re a monster and a poison

Instead, I need an angel and a cure

I need God in my life

To show me whatsoever things are pure, wholesome, kind and just

Will help me fight you

I refuse to be your prisoner

Any longer

It’s time for liberation

It’s time to be free

It is time

Let not my will, but God’s will be done

In the name of His son, Jesus Christ

I rebuke you out of my life

I rebuke you to the place of weeping and gnashing of teeth

Because God is on my side

Goodbye

And I hope I never see you again

I’m walking towards you
As you’re waiting for me down the aisle
But I don’t want you
You’re nothing but a vile creature
This I’m sure of
I don’t want to meet you at the end of the aisle
I want to go the opposite direction
But I can’t
You have all the control over me
Why can’t I let you go?
You strip me of any possible joy
That I could have in my life
Yet, I continue to hold on to you
Like an incurable infection
I’ll never be rid of you till death do us part

I’m inching closer to you
With no way of escape
Or deliverance
You rape me with your presence
Knowing exactly what your appearance is doing to me
Why did I keep you around for so long?
Why did I commit to you?
When I knew that you were wrong for me?
There were days and nights I could’ve walked away
But I knew that I would be lost without you
Because we’ve been together for so long
I know life would be better without you
But it wouldn’t be the same without you
I would yearn for you daily
And never learn to live without you
I hate that I’m committed to you
Till death do us part

I finally make it to you at the altar
As you were patiently waiting for me
You knew that I would come to you eventually
It was only a matter of time
The priest asks if I’m sure about this
He knows that I’m making a mistake
He knows that me and you have that fake love
That everyone, including the congregation, has for you
You’re a cheater
You’re a sinner
You’re an adulterer
You’re evil and lust all wrapped up in one
The priest knows this
And pleads for me to run away from you
But I can’t
I’m committed to you, and you alone
The priest is disappointed in me
And he knows that there’s nothing he can do
He has lost me to you
And you’re happy about this
He allows us to be together
And officially allows us to be married to one another
Till death do us part