Having Joy and A Life

Life is all about perspective.

It’s true that I want certain things to go my way,

But I can’t disregard the things that are going my way.

I can’t disregard my blessings.

I have to cherish them with all my heart,

For they have purpose and meaning in my life.

I must never forget that.

Life will go on,

More seasons will come into my life,

And I plan on trying my best to find joy in each season.

No matter how hard or difficult each season may be.

There’s always a way to find joy.

There’s always the choice to choose between joy and despair.

Even though it can be a struggle at times,

I want to strive to always choose joy over despair,

That’s a promise.

I want life to be an exploration for me.

A journey that is unique and true to me.

An adventure that offers me development, excitement and opportunity.

I want to enjoy life.

It’s time to enjoy life.

It’s time to have joy.

It’s time for me to have joy and a life.

I’m Here For You Now

I have to stop putting all the pressure on you.

I expect you to do so much,

Carry so much,

And accomplish so much.

It’s unfair to you.

I have to do my part, too.

Otherwise, I will not see you come to life.

You need me now.

I have to be motivated and determined now for you

Because I want to see you in this world.

I want to see you thriving and living life to the fullest.

I want to see you happy.

I want to see you finding joy and positivity in any situation,

Whether it’s good or bad,

Because I struggle with that now.

I’m doing better,

But I want you to be better than me.

Please be better, stronger and wiser than me.

Please be the person I always imagined you would be.

Please be all that and more.

I hope and pray you are,

But more importantly I will do my best for you.

I will put in the work for you to be here.

I will make you a reality in this world.

I will stop putting everything on you.

I will relieve that unnecessary pressure and weight

You’ve been carrying for too long.

I’m here for you now.

An Old Conversation

I remember we had a lot of conversations together.

Some silly and weird,

Some serious and deep,

Some fun and exciting,

Some normal and ordinary.

Despite all of these conversations,

There’s an old conversation we had that I’ll never forget.

An old conversation that means the world to me,

Even after so many years.

I remember we were in your music room,

It was such a small, cramped room.

You always managed to make it big and wondrous

Like Wonderland for time was all messed up,

Time had gone mad and jazz was the only thing that made sense.

I remember all the unnecessary papers

Stacked and spread around like skyscrapers in a city,

There was no room to explore this confined,

Yet marvelous city

That you designed.

I remember you had just finished playing the saxophone.

You serenaded me,

Your only subject in your glorious empire,

With your beautiful, magical playing.

That day I was in a world of pure imagination,

And I could simply look around and view paradise.

I wish I could have that day again once more

Why did that day ever have to go?

I wonder.

I remember you wanting to hear my thoughts,

And all I could do was give you praise,

And just cheer you on for such a wonderful performance

That was truly meant for me.

You smiled

Like you had just completed a hard fought mission

That required the perfect execution,

And I had appreciated that from you

Because you were a hero to me,

And you will always be one of the greatest heroes to me.

No one could ever take your place.

I remember us starting our old conversation,

It was a conversation I was not expecting to have with you,

But I’m glad we had it

Because it would ultimately change me,

And shape who I am today.

Without that old conversation,

I would be a different person today.

I remember you asking if I could teach you,

Specifically how to play the drums.

You wanted me to teach you,

But I was not sure I could

Because I only had a few years of experience,

And I thought you needed to learn from someone

That was more experienced than me,

Considering how you were an experienced saxophone player,

One of the best in my opinion,

There was just no way I could teach you.

I remember you laughing,

When I refused to teach you,

And how you said something so profound and real,

Something I can never forget,

And I’ll always hold it close to my heart.

You said there’s power and beauty

In sharing anything you can with others.

God calls us to share with others

Because we should strive to help others grow

And change for the better,

But more importantly,.

We have gifts and talents

That are meant to be shared

With others and the world,

If we don’t share what we have,

Then we are doing a disservice to ourselves and God.

Always share what you can.

I remember being astounded and awe-inspired

By your words of wisdom,

I apologized for saying I could not teach you,

But you assured me that I was fine,

You understood where I was coming from.

Then you asked if I was ready to teach you,

And if I was ready to accept the challenge.

I smiled,

And I just had this newfound excitement

And urge to teach you how to play the drums.

I wanted to teach you what I could,

You smiled,

And said that meant everything to you.

I remember me promising to teach you,

The plan was to teach you next summer,

I would visit you in July,

Spend a few weeks with you,

And teach you how to play the drums.

You were so happy to hear my plan,

And you could not wait for me to teach you

And share what I could with you.

I remember my plan being shattered in a few months,

When you were diagnosed with dementia,

A cruel disease that murdered your sweet mind,

A mind that shared love, wisdom and strength to me,

Reduced to confusion and terror.

It hurt seeing you in that state

And not being able to do anything about it.

It hurt knowing that the man I knew was gone,

And would never come back.

And I desperately wanted and needed you back,

I prayed and prayed in hopes that you would return,

But you never did.

You were gone.

I remember feeling hurt that you couldn’t remember.

You couldn’t remember all the letters we wrote to each other.

You couldn’t remember all the lessons you taught me.

You couldn’t remember all the songs you played for me.

You couldn’t remember all the movies and TV shows we watched together.

But most importantly,

You couldn’t remember all the conversations we had together.

Those conversations meant everything to me,

They connected me to you,

And helped shape who I am today.

Although I was hurt that you couldn’t remember,

I was still thankful that I could remember.

And hold onto those conversations.

I remember making a promise to myself,

After you had passed away.

I promised to always remember.

As long as I remember,

You will always still be in my heart,

As long as I remember,

You will live on through me.

As long as I remember,

I can never forget you

And all the times we had together.

But most importantly,

As long as I remember an old conversation we had together,

I know I’m making you proud.

A Loving Escape

I want to be a place you feel safe.

I want to be a place you call home.

I want to be considered the best place on Earth for you.

A place where you can relax your mind.

A place where I’m your peace.

Let me be a sweet dream you never want to wake up from.

A dream that takes you away from the nightmares of this world.

Let me be all that and more for you.

I want to cater to you.

I want to fulfill all your wants and needs.

I don’t want to fail you.

I want to be a place you can be yourself.

A place you can be free.

You don’t need to be scared.

I’m holding on to you and never letting go.

My love will always be here to comfort and support you.

I promise that it’s not going anywhere.

It’s here for you,

And it’s only for you.

When you feel alone,

I’ll be there for you.

When you don’t feel heard,

I’ll listen to you.

When you need encouragement,

I’ll provide it.

When you need love,

I’ll give it to you.

I want to be place full of love and kindness for you.

A place full of optimism and hope.

A place full of care and support.

I want to be that more than anything for you.

You have my word.

I want to provide you a different kind love.

A love you have never received before.

A love that you’ve been yearning and waiting for.

A love that’s a safe haven for you.

That’s all I want to do for you.

I want to love you like you’ve never been loved before.

I don’t want to give you a fairy tale love.

A love based on imagination and promising possibilities.

A love that assumes we’ll be happily ever after.

A love that is typical and practiced constantly in this world.

You don’t deserve that kind of love.

You deserve real love.

A love based on facts and evidence.

A love that never makes assumptions.

A love that is different and unique in this world

Nothing more and nothing less.

You deserve a love that is simply a loving escape.

I Want More

I want more in this world.

I can’t settle for less anymore.

I can’t just survive.

I long and crave for everything I’ve imagined.

There’s a hunger I have that I need to satisfy.

I settled for crumbs for too long.

I almost starved myself to death.

I have a thirst that will never be quenched with an empty glass.

I need to fill my glass up.

I have to have everything I want and more.

I’m tired of just surviving.

I want to be thriving.

There’s no way I can stay in the same place.

I can’t keep going through the same, boring, safe cycle.

I long for adventure.

I long for danger and excitement.

I long for opportunities that eyes can’t see.

I want to go through changes.

I can’t be who I am now for the rest of my life.

I want to be better.

I want to evolve.

I want to grow.

I want to be different.

I want more.

A Slow Process

The process of healing from anything is slow.

All it takes is a little faith, patience and trust.

There were times that I didn’t have time to trust the process.

Life was pushing me to hurry up a slow process.

Sometimes I would just forget about the whole process altogether.

Healing took too much time.

I couldn’t afford to give healing all my time.

Life had all my time.

The problems of life were always on my mind.

The pursuit of healing and happiness seemed like an impossible dream.

It seemed like only a few could have it.

Why couldn’t I be a part of the few?

Why was I a part of the masses that couldn’t heal or find happiness?

I wondered.

Every little thing in life just distracted me.

All the pain and hurt I kept inside held me hostage.

I could never be free.

I was always a slave to the past.

I thought freedom was an impossibility.

I’m free from bandage now.

Yet the wounds are still fresh and visible to me.

I hope they can disappear soon.

Or maybe they’ll just end up being a scar I barely notice.

It’s important to remember healing requires faith, patience and trust.

Healing is a slow process.

A Silly, Old Picture

I found a silly, old picture of myself.

It was taken years ago.

I looked so young.

I seemed so happy in this picture.

I also looked so silly.

Why did I close my eyes in this picture?

Actually, I did that a lot in pictures when I was younger.

It’s a shame.

I really do have some nice, light brown eyes.

I really had a lot of hair.

I can’t imagine myself with a lot of hair today.

Why did my parents decide to cut it?

I guess it would’ve been a lot to take care of it.

They had their own problems to deal with at that time.

They had some serious problems that they could never solve.

My hair was one less problem for them.

I really had a big smile in this picture.

I didn’t care that my teeth were all over the place.

It didn’t matter to me.

I just wanted to smile.

Why was it so easy to smile?

Now, it’s a little hard with my crooked smile.

I try to hide it at times because it doesn’t look right to me.

I got braces now to help with that problem.

Hopefully, I can have the perfect smile soon.

Life seemed so easy.

Life seemed so simple.

Life seemed like something else in this silly, old picture.

Happy Days

Lately it’s been easier to smile.

It feels like I haven’t had a sad thought in ages.

I’m proud of myself.

I’m proud of who I’m becoming and who I will be.

I can see myself clearly in the mirror.

There’s a certain level of excitement that I have for myself.

It’s a new feeling that I never thought I could have.

I really am heading in the right direction.

There’s no misdirection in sight.

Everything for me is visible and seen.

I feel visible and seen.

I remember carrying so much hurt.

I remember handling unnecessary shame.

I remember fighting demons.

I remember being lost and afraid.

I remember those days all too well.

Those days remain in the past.

Yet they haunt me every now and then in the present.

I hope I don’t have those days again in the future.

For now, I want to enjoy these days I’m having now.

They’re precious and priceless to me.

They mean everything to me.

I want them to last forever.

I’m thankful for these days.

These happy days.

Late Night Call

I remember the first and only time I heard your voice on the phone.

It was late at night,

And I was relaxing in bed.

You called me,

And I eagerly answered.

I was excited to hear your soothing, gentle voice

On a quiet, sleepless night.

It was warm and calming

Like a campfire on a beach.

Your voice put me in a dream-like, relaxing place.

A place that I really can’t describe.

A place that I never wanted to leave.

I remember wanting to learn everything about you.

I was intrigued and eager to learn.

I didn’t want you to hold anything back.

Thankfully, you didn’t disappoint me.

You told me about your dream of being a housewife.

Your desire to be more spiritual and closer to God.

Your obsession over a specific actor and his movies.

Your fears and worries,

You told me these things and many more without hesitation.

I admired you for that.

You were so open and honest with me.

You were real and authentic.

But most importantly,

You were not afraid to share yourself with me.

I was afraid to share myself with you that night.

I couldn’t share all of me with you.

There were reasons holding me back from doing such a thing.

Reasons that I couldn’t really ignore,

Despite you giving me such a sweet dream.

Reasons were telling me to wait.

Reasons were telling me to stay back,

When I wanted to get closer to you.

I wanted to open myself up to you.

I wanted to trust you so much that night,

But reasons wouldn’t allow it.

They refused to allow it.

How could they be so unfair to you?

Our late night call had a time limit,

And it was coming to an end.

It was late at night,

And we both had work in the morning.

We needed to end our call.

I didn’t want to say goodbye to you.

I didn’t want to wake up to reality.

I wanted to stay with you in this pleasant dream,

But I remember dreams don’t last forever.

They’re temporary,

And they end in an instant with or without your approval.

They may also never come back to you again,

Just like our first and only late night call.

Far, Far Away

I wonder about our future together,

I wonder if we’re meant to last forever,

I wonder to avoid the harsh reality,

I slip down the rabbit hole,

And I know I shouldn’t get lost like Alice in Wonderland

But I can’t help it,

Wondering is just another way of avoiding.

I should just talk to you

And tell you how I feel,

But I can’t do such a thing,

I’m too afraid to do such a trivial thing,

Yet I act like I’m so big, bold and strong

When I’m a really a cowardly lion in Oz.

There’s no place like you,

Yet I want to be in a world of pure imagination,

A place like Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory

Full of sweets and all my desires,

Can that really be a better paradise than you?

There’s no way of knowing without going,

Yet I don’t want to be far from you,

I don’t want to be far from home,

But it’s too late,

I’m already far, far away.

An Undesirable Gem in America

My people are an undesirable gem in America.

We’re special and priceless,

But worthless in America,

Unless we’re submissive to the rules of America,

No matter how unfair or unreasonable they are to us.

We have to shut up and be grateful.

Shut up and America will treat us right on their own time.

Shut up or America will tear gas us.

Shut up or America will shoot us without hesitation.

Shut up or America will suffocate us,

So that we can’t breathe.

All we have to do is shut up,

Then we’ll be worthy of America’s conditional love.

After all, America is known as the land of the free,

Yet my people have never seen freedom in America.

We have only seen enslavement, torture, persecution and abuse,

That never ends because of the color of our black skin.

Police officers must be happy they can choose when to be blue.

Police officers can be free whenever.

That form of freedom must be nice.

Don’t we have a right to fight for freedom?

Don’t we have a right to want more?

Don’t we have a right to want a better future?

Don’t we have a right to matter?

No, that’s too much in America.

We’re asking for too much in America.

America would like it better if we didn’t ask at all.

Is that too much to ask?

America wonders.

Meanwhile, America’s other gem can do whatever they want,

Thanks to the color of their white skin.

They don’t have to worry about basic human rights.

They don’t have to worry about freedom.

They don’t have to worry about mattering.

America loves them.

They can protest little inconveniences like wearing a mask.

They can even storm and terrorize the Capitol Building,

Simply because an election did not go their way.

No repercussions will come their way.

America will think about them.

America will see the hurt that they’re going through.

America will be patient with them.

America will be kind to them.

America will listen.

America will hope to alleviate the pain and stop the crying,

Because they matter.

I wish for my people to matter to America.

I wish America could see my people’s priceless worth.

I wish my people can have the privileges of the other gem.

I pray my people never forget we are priceless and special.

We are black and proud,

We are worthy of freedom and love in this country.

We have to remember and know our worth and beauty,

Despite being an undesirable gem in America.

Imagine Her Being a Butterfly

It’s hard to imagine a black woman being a butterfly in this world.
Can you imagine that?
I hope that some of you can, but I struggle to imagine it.

I think about a black woman who protested and risked her life every single day for the justice of a black man.
Unfortunately, that black woman would later be sexually assaulted and murdered by a black man.
Can you imagine that?

Then, I think about a black woman who was sleeping in the privacy and safety of her own home.
Her own home would be mistakenly invaded by the police.
She would then be brutally murdered by the police.
Can you imagine that?

I think about how a black woman’s protection is conditional.
For some black men, a black woman has to meet certain criteria points in order to have their protection and love.
At the same time, she must still be strong.
Never weak, always strong.
A black woman must listen and submit themselves to these black men in order to have some of their protection.
Can you imagine that?

I think about these things and wonder if a black woman can truly be a butterfly.
Can she fly, flutter and be free?
Or will she always be a caterpillar trapped in a unbreakable cocoon?
I would love to see a black woman be a butterfly.
It would be beautiful and glorious, but I struggle to imagine it.

She always has to meet certain standards.
She’s always expected to stand, fight, protest, protect and march.
She’s always getting attacked for doing too little or too much.
I often wonder does she even have the time and opportunity to be a butterfly?
I’m genuinely asking because I have no idea.

Can you be positive about the future of a black woman?
Can you see a black woman be free and exceed expectations?
Can you see her fly high in the sky?
Can you imagine a black woman being a butterfly?

Food For The Dog

A couple named Brian and Lauren are driving home with a car full of groceries.
As they’re driving home, Lauren notices up ahead something unsettling.
It’s at the side of the road.
She tells Brian to pull over.
He listens to her and pulls over.
When they stop completely, he sees what Lauren sees.

In front of them, a man is lying on the ground curled up like a ball.
The man is starving and struggling to stay alive.
Next to him, he has a cardboard sign that says “Anything will help.”
There’s also a malnourished dog sitting next to the man.
Lauren notices that the dog is wearing a tag.
She squints to look at the tag, and it reads Max.

Lauren looks at Brian and pleads that they help him.
He’s starving and struggling to stay alive.
He needs their help Lauren says.
They have an obligation to help him.
His life is precious and matters to them.
Brian agrees and wonders what they can give him.
Lauren says that two bags of dog food should be enough.

Lauren gets out the car with the dog food and places it next to Max.
She tears open both bags of dog food.
Max quickly comes over and starts devouring the food.
For a second, Lauren is happy that she’s able to feed Max.
Then, she realizes that it’s not right with what Max is going through.
Max is abandoned and in harsh conditions.
Max deserves to have a proper owner.
Max deserves a better life than this.

Lauren runs back to the car, and Brian smiles at her.
He tells her that they did a good thing for that dog.
Lauren says she knows, but she still feels bad for Max.
Brian understands and assures her that the food should help.

Brian starts the car.
They drive away with their car full of groceries.
They feel good for what they did for Max.
They’re thankful that they have plenty of food.
Food for themselves, their kids and their dogs.
For they were able to provide food for the dog.

A Father at His Weakest

A man finds out that his father died in his sleep.
He’s surrounded by his wife and children when he discovers the terrible news.
He’s devastated, and he doesn’t know how to contain himself.
How can his father be gone so suddenly?
How can he imagine a life without his father?
Without thinking, he cries.
His wife quickly comes over and tries to comfort him.
He welcomes her embrace, and he still continues to cry.
His daughters start crying as well.
It hurts them to see their father in pain.
He assures them that he’ll be alright, and he still continues to cry.
His sons didn’t know what to do.
They had never seen their father be so emotional and vulnerable.
They had never seen their father have a moment of weakness.
They wondered what did it mean as their father continues to cry.

Those boys would later realize that their father was simply being a man.
A man that had lost a father.
A man that needed to cry and mourn for his father.
A man that needed the comfort of his wife and children.
A man that wasn’t afraid to be weak in front of his family.
A man that has integrity, dignity, honor and love in his heart.
A man that always wants to teach his sons the true meaning of strength and courage can come in times of weakness.
Their father was a man at his weakest.
But most importantly, he was a father at his weakest.

This poem is dedicated to my father Shawn McNeil. Thank you for never being afraid to cry, being emotional and being vulnerable. Thank you for always teaching me how to be a true man. I love you so much, dad! Happy Father’s day to you and all the good fathers in this world.

A Black Girl’s Dream

Black girls have dreams too.
I wish I could tell you all of their dreams, but I can only tell you one black girl’s dreams.
I hope more black girls’ dreams can be shared.
But for now, it’s just one black girl’s dream I’m sharing.
I promise nothing more and nothing less.
Just one black girl’s dream.

This black girl has a dream that she has a choice.
She has a dream that she doesn’t always have to be strong.
She dreams of having moments of being weak and vulnerable because everyone deserves those moments.
She also dreams that she doesn’t always have to be a warrior, a nurturer or an activist.
This black girl dreams of being a dreamer, a lover or even her own woman.
She dreams of not always being in the frontlines of fighting racism and injustice.
She dreams of black men wanting to protect her rather than having her fight as well.
Or fight beside her.
Again, this is not every black girls’ dream.
Just one black girl’s dream.

Can a black girl dream?
Can she make her dreams become a reality?
Or is she always expected to face the harsh realities of this cruel world?
I have no idea.
I’m just sharing one black girl’s dream.
Just one black girl’s dream.

I would like to give thanks to my little sister Shawna for this poem. She was the inspiration behind this poem.

This poem is also dedicated to Oluwatoyin Salau, Breonna Taylor, black women and black girls. You all matter in this time of protesting, and you all deserve to be treated and protected better by everyone, especially black men.

Black Queens

Thank you for everything that you have done for us black men.
Without you, we would be lost.
You guide us in the right direction.
You all help us when we need it most.
You support us when we’re struggling to stand up.
You nurture us when we are sick and wounded.
You comfort us in the blackest of nights.
You soothe us when we face our darkest nightmares.
You educate us so that we can be better.
You do so much for us, and you deserve more praise and honor.

You are beautiful beyond measure.
Your melanin is gorgeous in all shades.
How can I resist your pretty brown eyes?
Your pretty brown eyes shine bright with ebony and gold.
Your smile always welcomes love, comfort and kindness.
Your soul is pure and wholesome.
You have a beauty like no other.

I love you black women.
Without you, I would not be the black man that I am today.
You are responsible in how I treat and respect all women.
You have taught me so much about loving myself and the color of my skin.
You empower me and help me grow at unimaginable heights.
You have shown me love and how to properly reciprocate it.
Thank you black women for molding and shaping me.
Thank you for being more than just women.
Thank you for being black queens.

This poem is dedicated to black women and their beauty. In this time of hardship and struggle to find justice for not only George Floyd, but also other black lives that were lost because of police brutality and racism, it’s important for us as African Americans to know our beauty, especially black women. You are beautiful, and you help uplift us in unimaginable ways. Keep staying strong and beautiful because you are appreciated.

We Are Always Wrong

Throughout history, we have always been wrong in their eyes.
In times of slavery, we were wrong.
In times of Reconstruction, we were wrong.
In times of segregation, we were wrong.
In times of the Civil Rights Movement, we were wrong.
In times of marching, we were wrong.
In times of protesting, we were wrong.
In times of kneeling, we were wrong.

When will we ever be right in their eyes?
When will we ever get their support?
When will our anger, frustrations, disappointments and sadness be recognized in their eyes?
I fear we will never know.
I fear that we can never be right in their eyes.

So what should we do?
How can we please them with our actions?
How can we make them comfortable with our marching and protesting?
Honestly, there is no way to appease them.
They will always think we are wrong, but it honestly doesn’t matter what they think.
They have no right to tell us how to think or feel for our people.
They have no right to tell us how to march and protest for our people.
They have no right to tell us how to grieve for our people.
They have no right to tell us how to fight for our people.
They don’t own us anymore.
We are not their slaves anymore.

Too many black lives have been lost to racism and injustice in America.
Real change is necessary for our people.
Our anger and mourning are justified, don’t let them tell you otherwise.
Justice for our people must come soon.
I’m tired of them telling us to wait, to calm down and to be patient.
That time has long passed.
White Americans, Asian Americans, Pacific Island Americans, Italian Americans, Irish Americans, Hispanic Americans and Native Americans, we need your support against them.
Help us fight them and show them that black lives matter.

Who am I talking about?
Who are the “they” that I am talking about?
They are the ones with all the power in this country.
They are the ones that have evil and hatred in their hearts.
They are the ones that allow racism and discrimination to run this country.
They are the ones that turn a blind eye to injustice against people of color.
They are the ones that always change the subject when it comes to black lives and police brutality.
They are the ones that quickly tell us that all lives matter.
They are the ones that tell us to let things go.
They are the ones that tell us that they see no color.
They are the ones that tell us to shut up.
They are the ones that tell us that things are better for us now, and we should be grateful.
They are the ones that tell us that we’re wrong in how we peacefully protest.
They are the ones that tell us that we are always wrong.

The Old Man at the Bus Stop

I wait patiently for my bus at an abandoned mall.
I remember my times at this abandoned yet familiar mall.
I remember the sacred moments I had with family, friends and even a girl.
I especially think about the girl and the spot we shared together.
I miss the spot.
I miss the girl.
I think about those two things too much sometimes,
When I’m at the bus stop.
I long to forget about the paradise I once had in my life.

A few drops of rain fall from a gray sky.
It adds a little more sadness into my heart.
I wonder why there can’t be more sunshine in the sky or even in my soul?
I miss the sunshine that I once had in life.
I wish for it, but it’s long gone.
It’s somewhere far away, while I’m in a place of darkness.
A place I fear that I will never escape.
Is escape possible?
As usual, I don’t have an answer.
God really does know how to create a depressing situation.
Enters the old man.

I look at the old man, and he seems sad and depressed.
He is a white man with a gray beard.
Then, I see a part of his hat that read “Vietnam” on it.
He’s a veteran, I naturally assume.
I start to feel bad for him
Because it seems like he had suppressed one too many things
That I could never imagine.
That weight of suppression has him looking down at not only the world but also himself.
He is lost and abandoned.

The old man looks at me, says hi and gives me his best smile.
I did the same thing as well.
I want to keep my distance and not talk anymore.
Nothing against him, but I’m just comfortable with silence and my own thoughts.
There’s just comfort in being alone.
People just complicate your state of mind.
However, he wants to talk some more with me.
I want to politely tell him that I don’t want to have a conversation
But then I stop myself.
I realize that maybe we both really need this conversation.
Maybe our conversation would have a purpose.
Maybe meeting each other was crafted by God.
Maybe I’m stretching, but I need to find out for myself.

Five minutes into our conversation, we’re sharing laughter and smiles.
We’re sharing our emotions and feelings.
We’re sharing anything we can.
I never expected to share so much to him.
I share so many secrets and disappointments
How could I admit and open up so much to a stranger,
When I struggle with being honest with others and myself?

He looks at me and asks me when was the last time I cried.
I tell him with ease that it’s been a long time.
Then he tells me to not be afraid to do so.
He was a soldier,
He admits that there were times that he had to cry.
Crying really helped him let go.

He pleads for me to cry when I get the opportunity.
Before I can respond, my bus arrives.
I look at him and promise that I will try.
He nods his head, smiles and thanks me for having a conversation with him.
I tell him that it was an honor.
I say goodbye to him and get on the bus.
The bus rides away from the abandoned mall.
And I leave the old man at the bus stop.

This poem is dedicated to a veteran that I had a conversation with at a bus stop two years ago. It was one of the most realest conversations I ever had with someone, and I’m so thankful and blessed for that conversation.

Happy Memorial Day.

Hugs and Kisses

It’s not hard to show you love and affection.
In fact, it’s the easiest thing.
I know it’s because you’ve taught me so much about love.
It’s also because you’re a person that I can’t live without.
I can’t be without your love because it hits different.
It’s been with me since the day I was born.
It’s been with me in times that I was struggling and needing it most.
It’s a love that is unconditional.
Thank you for that love.
I don’t know who I would be without it.
It has shaped and molded me into the person that I am today.
Without it, I would be lost.
Without it, I wouldn’t know how love really felt.

Some people don’t know how to love properly because they were never taught how to.
Thank you for being that teacher for me.
You’ve always taught me that love is patient and kind.
You’ve always taught me that the true beauty of love comes through growth.
It’s consistent and built on the foundations of hard work and trust.
I thank God every day for you showing me that different kind of love.
I wonder how can I thank you for it though?
I don’t think I can even compare to all the time, energy and love you poured into me all my life.
However, I can try every single day for you.
I don’t mind.
In fact, I’m thankful and honored that I can.
I love you so much with all my heart.

I promise to strive and give you that special kind of love.
I promise that it will be an unconditional love.
I promise you a love that is patient and kind.
I promise you an affectionate love that consists of hugs and kisses.

This poem is dedicated to my mama for Mother’s Day Weekend. I love her so much, and I’m thankful and blessed for everything that she has done for me as a mother. She really put in the necessary time, energy and love in me that has helped shape the person that I am today. Mama, I hope you feel loved and cherished today on Mother’s Day. Thank you again for being such an amazing mother to me, and Zaiah Bear loves you berry much!

My Conversation with God

Why do I pray to you every single day?
Is it because I’m required to?
Is it because I’m trying to get something I want that only you can give me?
Or is it for a specific reason?

Please, give me the answer.
Am I praying because religion requires it for me to get into Heaven?
Am I praying because I have to place my hopes, wishes and dreams in you?
Am I praying because it will help me fulfill a specific purpose in my life?
I don’t know, but I hope that I can find the answer for myself.

I’ve lost my faith in religion, I hope that doesn’t offend you.
It’s just that I recognized that I can’t rely on church to get me closer to you.
There are too many rules, politics, judgement and discrimination involved within the church that make it hard to get close to you.
Please forgive me when I say that church is not the gateway to you.
Instead, I think that it’s a dangerous tool.
However, I still want to use it but with caution.
But I recognize that it’s not the answer to you.
Only my faith and relationship with you is the answer.

I hope that you’re with everyone that I care about.
I hope that you’re with everyone that has hurt me in different ways.
I hope that you’re with everyone that needs you right now.
I hope that you can give them all the strength to fight the demons that they’re dealing with that I have knowledge and little knowledge about.
I hope and pray.

As our conversation is coming to an end, I want you to know that I love you with all my heart.
I’m not ashamed of having you in my life.
You’re the one thing that has helped me believe in myself.
You taught me that hard work, patience and dedication will lead to the miracles in my life.
I thank you for the strength you’ve given me to go get my blessings that you established in my life.
Thank you for all the things you have done in my life.
And thank you for this conversation.

Pure Imagination, I Wish

This room? Although it was a small, cramped room,
You always managed to make it big and wondrous
Like Wonderland for time was all messed up,
Time had gone mad and jazz was the only thing that made sense.

I remember all the unnecessary papers
Stacked and spread around like skyscrapers in a city,
There was no room to explore this confined, yet marvelous city
That you designed.

As the sound of your saxophone went wild in this world,
I found myself in paradise.
As a young boy, I was exposed to a world of pure imagination,
I was lost, but I was not afraid.

A few years passed, a new sound entered this universe,
It was the sound of percussion.
I thought the loud drums didn’t belong,
It couldn’t compare to your loving saxophone.

When I became a young man, the drums and saxophone were in-sync,
And we were the kings,
Our empire was glorious as we ruled it together,
Sadly, kingdoms don’t last forever.
You got older and forgot this world,
It wasn’t your fault, it was a cruel disease that murdered your sweet mind
A mind that shared love, wisdom and strength to me,
Reduced to confusion and terror.
I wish those days together with you would come back once more,
I wish this room was more than a room again,
I wish we could create sweet music together once more,
Why did those days ever have to go?
This is the end of the poem.
This poem is dedicated to my late Grandpa Jerry. His birthday was on Friday, and I was debating if I really wanted to share this poem that’s personal to me. However, the untimely death of NBA legend Kobe Bryant changed my mind because this is a poem about cherishing the moments and times that we have with our loved ones and to live a life of love and happiness. We can’t press the rewind button on life, and we have to treat every day as if it was our last day on this earth. I had great, loving moments with my grandpa that I’ll never forget. I cherish all the days that we had together because they helped shape who I am. My grandpa showed me the strength of faith, the beauty of writing, the magic of music and so much more. I love my grandpa so much, and I just wish we had those days with him would come back once.

Please Forgive Me

I’m glad that you’re back in my life again.
I’ve missed you so much.
I hated that there was a division between us.
I hated the wall between us.
I longed for your warm touch.
Ironically, it wasn’t that big of a wall.
It was a little wall that was easy to step over.
It’s crazy that I didn’t have to jump over it.
I just had to will myself to the wall.
Sadly, that was easier said than done.

There was something in me that never existed before.
It was doubt about you.
I had doubt about us.
I didn’t know if we could be together.
I thought that maybe it was a mistake to have you in my life.
I thought that I didn’t deserve someone like you.
I thought that I wasn’t worthy of you.
I thought that we couldn’t go the distance.

I’m glad that we have each other again.
I’m glad that I could finally will myself over that small wall between us.
Thank you for your patience and kindness with me.
I promise to always keep you close to my heart.
Life may have gotten crazy, but it was no excuse to push you away from me.
You’re a part of who I am, and I love who I am when I’m with you.
I’ll hold on to you as long as I can.
Please forgive me for abandoning you.
Please forgive me.

Shawna-Mama

For years, you have been such a blessing to me.
I’m so thankful and blessed to have you in my heart for so long.
I’ll always love your random hugs and kisses you give me.
They’re just right, and they’re the most natural.
They just mean so much to me.
They uplift me, and they let me know that I am good enough for you.

Sometimes it’s easy to talk to you, while other times are a struggle.
It just depends on the topic.
We argue and fight like crazy, but we also laugh and talk like crazy.
There are days that I don’t understand you, but there are days that we are in sync.
We have our good and bad days, but I know we have better days ahead of us.
We can be inconsistent, but our love for each other will always be consistent.

I want to protect you from this world.
I don’t want it to burn out the bright light you have in your heart.
I pray that you’re strong enough to fight this world.
I pray that you find happiness.
I pray that you discover success in the most unimaginable places.
I pray that you accomplish all your goals in life.
I pray that we will always be close.

You’re gonna be so amazing in this world.
There’s no reason for me to worry about you at all.
It’s been such an honor being your big brother.
You taught me so much as a big brother, and I don’t know how to repay you.
I can probably repay you with some Flamin’ Hot Fries.
There’s so much time that we have together, and I’m excited for our journey together.
You’re my sister that I’ll always hold onto.
I love you so much, Shawna-Mama.

This is the end of the poem “Shawna-Mama.”

Be sure to like, share and comment your thoughts on this poem dedicated to my little sister Shawna. I love you so much Shawna-mama and hope you have a great birthday Oct. 1. It’s been such an amazing experience being your big brother, and I can’t wait to see where life takes as you’re getting older.

This week, I will be posting and sharing two short stories. On Tuesday, I will be sharing and posting the short story “Another Petty-ish Moment.” On Thursday, I will be sharing and posting the short story “Preferences: Part Two.”

Next week, I will finally be posting and sharing the six-part horror story “The White Mask” in the Dark Colors series.

Please, Help Me Believe

It’s getting harder and harder to hold on to you.
I’m sorry that I’m complaining.
I’m sorry that I’m not strong enough to still hold on to you.
The weight is too much for me.
I know I have to find a way, but I can’t.
Help me, please.

You’re precious to me, but you require so much from me.
I have to believe in you, even when there’s no reason to.
I have to believe in you when others tell me not to.
I have to believe in you like I believe in God.
Please, help me believe in you.

Please, let me breathe.
I know you’re meant to help me breathe, but I’m suffocating with you in my life.
I swear if the world wasn’t always hurting me, you wouldn’t mean anything to me.
I hate that I need you so much.

You’re such a dangerous thing.
You make me go mad.
It’s a shame that I can’t rely on reason and logic.
You’re the only way to salvation

I remember someone once said you’re a good thing.
Maybe even the best thing.
But it’s just so hard to see that now.
I don’t know who you are anymore, and I can’t see the good in you.
Please, help me.

I long to see your beauty again.
I want to embrace you and hold you tight.
But, I’m barely holding on to you right now.
I’m so close to falling to my death.
My grip to you is slowly slipping.
I’m trying to hold on to you for dear life.
I’m trying to find the strength to pull myself up to you, but I’m stuck in the same place.
There’s just no way out of it.

Please, just show me the way.
Please, just give me a reason to trust in you.
Why are you just holding my hand?
Please, pull me up before I descend into madness.
Why can’t you do that?
Why do I have to do all the work?

I guess it really is all on me.
I mean, you are helping me stay alive.
Maybe you’re trying to help me up, but you just can’t.
Maybe it’s the gravity or weight of the world is strong like you.
Maybe they’re not as strong as you, but strong enough to keep me in the same place.

I guess it doesn’t help that I’m doing nothing but hanging in there.
I guess I can’t blame you because you’re keeping me alive.
I thank you for that.
I do need you in my life, and you’re true to me and many others in the world.
Please, help me believe in you.

Zaiah Bear

I can’t help but smile when I’m with you.
It’s just something that I can’t avoid.
You just know how to make me smile and show off my dimples.
You tell the funniest, corniest jokes ever, and I can’t help but laugh at them.
How did you have such an effect on me?
I guess it has something to do with you being in my life for so long.

You were always committed to me.
You were always giving me joy, laughter and love.
My memories of you are pure, and they can never be tainted.
They will last a lifetime.

Thank you for never making excuses.
Thank you for never disappointing me.
Thank you for never hurting me.
Thank you for always being by my side.

I honestly don’t know what my life would be like without you.
Like my mom and grandpa, you’ve always been a fire for me.
You’ve kept me warm and comforted for years.
I’m thankful and blessed to have a strong relationship with you.
God truly knew what He was doing when He put you in my life.
Thank you for everything you’ve done for me.
You’ll always hold a special place in my heart.
Zaiah Bear loves you so much, grandma.

This is the end of the poem “Zaiah Bear.”

I Promise

Why does life have to be so hard?
I’ve relied on you for years to help me through the struggle, but you’ve gotten weaker.
You’re not as strong as you used to be.
What changed?

Can you tell me what I have to do with our without you?
I long to keep you by my side, but I’m worried you’re slipping away from me.
I’ve failed so much that I’ve forgotten what success was like with you.
You’re like a distant relative now, but you’re supposed to be my best friend.

I’m ashamed that I’ve allowed others to take your place.
These others want to hurt, kill and destroy me.
These others want me to cater to my lustful needs and desires.
These others don’t want me to reach my destination.
These others don’t want me to see that I have a purpose.
These others don’t want me to see you in my life.

I need to make you essential in my life because I can’t do it without you.
You’re the one that makes me who I am.
I can’t blame you for being weak when I’m the reason you’re weak now.
I should’ve catered to you constantly.
Instead, I treated you like a withered house plant.
I ignored you and didn’t you give you the necessary care to blossom.

I want you and no one else.
I realize now that if I don’t have you, I can’t have nobody.
You help me see the good and beauty of this world.
Without you, I only see the wickedness and the hopelessness that exists in this world.

Please, come back into my life.
Please, help me believe again.
Please, help me forgive myself for losing you.
Please, I need you.

You’re always going to be in my heart.
I promise that I’m gonna make you stronger again.
I promise we’re gonna be a team again.
I promise I’ll love you again.
I promise that you’ll be my strength again.
I promise.

This is the end of the poem “I Promise.”
What do you think this poem is about? Let me know in the comments what you think the poem “I Promise” is about and any other thoughts you may have. Also, if you’re following “The Green Mask” story in the Dark Colors series on my blog, this poem is connected with that short story. I will be posting part three and four of “The Green Mask” this week on Tuesday and Thursday.

Khalil

I can’t believe how close we are, despite being miles away from each other.
I wish were closer in proximity.
However, it wasn’t meant to be.
Sometimes I worry that I’m not doing enough, but you assure me that I’m fine.
You assure me that you love me and appreciate the best I can give you.
I only wish that everyone can give you their best.
However, it doesn’t matter to you.
You continue to allow your confidence to fly and wake up in the sky.
I can’t describe how proud I am of you.
How are you so awesome?
How are you so cool?
How did I get so lucky to have you in my life?
I’m thankful that you look up to.
I hope and pray that I won’t let you down.
I know that we’re going to have a bright future together as brothers.
I love you, Khalil.

This is the end of the poem “Khalil.”
On Tuesday, I will be posting part one of a four-part story titled “The Green Mask” on the Dark Colors series. Then, I will be posting part two on Thursday.

Chasing After You

I can see you clearly now.
I want you now more than ever.
I have to be clever and never lose you.
I have to keep you close to my heart, so that we can never be apart again.
Sadly, that’s all my fault.
You did nothing wrong with me.
In fact, you were always by my side, when I did nothing but neglect you.

How could I treat you so bad?
How could I not see your beauty needed my undivided attention?
How did we end up having an on-and-off relationship?
I was lost in this world at a very young age.
I was intoxicated by my own selfish desires, and I couldn’t see you anymore.
You were lost to me in the wilderness I created in my life

I apologize for losing you over the years.
You deserved commitment from me, and I wasn’t giving that to you.
I was distracted by other things, but now I realize you are what I want.
You are what I must have in my life.
If I don’t have you, then what do I have?
I have to ask, how can you be so forgiving?
Why have always been by my side?

Honestly, I now know that we’re destined to be together.
God put you in my life for a reason.
God knew that you were gonna bring out the best version of me.
God knew that you were gonna always believe in me.
God knew that you were gonna be patient with me.
God knew that we had something special that couldn’t compare.

Thank you for not giving up on me.
Thank you for being with me since the day I was born.
I see you now more than ever.
You are what I want in my life.
I am chasing after you.

This is the end of the poem “Chasing After You.”

This week, I will be posting part one of a four-part story titled “The Girl I Never Want to See Again.” Then, I will be posting part two on Thursday.

By My Side

I remember when I was scared and didn’t know what I was doing.
I was losing at life and ready to throw in the towel.
I thought to myself that life was too strong of an opponent.
It was faster and stronger than me.
It’s punches were heavy and brutal.
It was like Muhammad Ali.
Floating like a butterfly and stinging like a bee.
I couldn’t see my life with my own eyes and couldn’t get control it.
Instead, I just gave up fighting.
What was the point if I didn’t have the skills and necessary resources to beat life?
So, I let life beat me down to a bloody pulp.

Then, my dad came along.
He saw the hurt that I was going through and pushed me to get up.
He couldn’t bear seeing me lose at life.
My dad knew that I was meant to conquer my life.
My dad knew that I was meant to be a fighter, and he wouldn’t let me lie down in defeat.
Instead, he got me on my feet and trained me.

He trained me to fight life as man, not as a boy.
He trained me to be a planner instead of a procrastinator.
He trained me to believe in myself.
He trained me to strengthen my faith in God.
For He is a powerful ally to have to fight life and all it’s allies.
He fueled me with the necessary knowledge and resources to fight life.
My dad truly trained me well.

It’s a constant fight with life, but I’m hanging in there.
Life comes with many surprises and twists, and it sometimes knocks me out.
However, I quickly get back up and continue the fight.
I’m winning more rounds, and it’s thanks to my dad.
He wouldn’t let me give up on myself because he knew that I could beat life.
He knew that I could flourish in life.
He believed in me when I couldn’t believe in myself.
I love you so much dad and thank you for always being by my side.

This is the end of the poem “By My Side.”

Be sure to like, share and comment your thoughts on this poem dedicated to my dad. I love you so much Shawn McNeil and thank you for being the best dad that I needed in my life. You’ve helped me reach unimaginable heights in life, and I’m so thankful and blessed to call you my dad.

This week, I’ will be sharing a two-part story this week called “Checking Out a Soon-to-be-Mom.” On Tuesday, I will be posting part one.

My Greatest Teacher

It’s hard to imagine who I’d be without you.
You’ve given me so much, and I can never repay you.
You taught me the beauty of love.
You taught me the significance of faith.
You taught me the importance of family.
You taught me the strength of integrity.
You taught me the power of honor.
You taught me the truth of manhood.
How could I ever repay you?

You taught me good things that some men are never taught.
You helped me learn good things that some men can never learn.
You showed me how a man treats a woman.
It’s with love, honor, respect and care.
It’s with work, strength, kindness and patience.
Sadly, some men treat women differently than how you showed me.
Thank you for making sure that I wasn’t like some men in this world.
Thank you for teaching me how to be a true man.

Thank you for helping me believe in myself as a man.
For a minute, I thought my past would stop me.
It’s always mocking me in the present and never seeming to go away.
However, you assure me that my past will not be my future.
You tell me that my past will be my light.
For it will illuminate my mistakes and tragedies.
However, it will show how far I’ve come.
I’m stronger, wiser, healthier and better because of my past.
I need my past to be who I am today and in the future.
Thank you for teaching me my past is my cure to the future.

You’ve been with me most of my life, and you’ve always had my back.
I’ll always cherish everything you taught me.
I’ll use your teachings and become the man you see me becoming.
I’ll be a man of God.
I’ll be a great husband and a great father to my children.
And I’ll pass down your teachings from generation to generation.
I love you so much dad.
Thank you for being my greatest teacher.

Better Than Somebody That I Used to Know

I appreciate everything you’ve done for me.
I can clearly see your love to me is real.
Sorry if you don’t know that.
You know that opening up is a struggle for me, but you don’t care.
You push me to the point of anger to open up because you only want the best for me.
More than somebody I used to know.
I can’t help but thank you for that.

I don’t know where I would be without you.
I would probably be another statistic or even an alcoholic like somebody I used to know.
I probably wouldn’t even have God or love in my heart.
Somebody I used to know would create something different in my heart.
It would be empty filled with darkness, hatred and excuses.
It’s scary to imagine, but you wouldn’t allow such an atrocity to happen to me.
You made sure to ignite a light inside me that has grown into a fire.
A fire that would see no darkness, see no hatred or see no excuses.
For that, I thank you.

You’ve always been by my side.
Somebody I used to know would hide from me.
You’ve always been my motivation.
Somebody I used to know was my aggravation..
You’ve always been my role model.
Somebody I used to know was my false idol.

Even though you haven’t been with me all my life, I love you with all my heart.
You have supported me in ways I could never imagine.
Your strength, honor and integrity is like no other.
My love to you is unconditional.
My love to somebody I used to know is conditional.
Thank you for being so much better than somebody I used to know.

This is the end of the poem “Better Than Somebody I Used to Know” in the Poetry series.

Be sure to like, share and comment your thoughts on this poem.

In honor of Father’s Day and my dad’s birthday coming up next week, all writings this week will be dedicated to my dad Shawn McNeil! On Tuesday, I will be posting the short story “Horror Movies With My Dad.” On Thursday, I will be posting the short story “Never Missing a Thing.” Then, I will be posting two poems about my dad on Saturday and Sunday!

Purity

I’m so thankful and proud to have you in my life.
I can’t imagine who I’d be without you.
Would I be lost, but eventually found?
Would I be insecure about who I am?
Would I be considered a hypocrite, if I didn’t have you in my life?
I’m not sure, I must admit.

I must admit that I thought about losing you.
I have thought about a life without you.
A life that can be care-free, simple and easy.
I’ve had opportunities to get rid of you as temptation constantly lurks in my life.
I remember times that I’ve almost submitted to temptation, but you stopped me.
I guess that’s one of the perks of having you in my life.

You’re always looking out for me, even when I don’t want you to.
I sometimes think the worst of you.
I sometimes think you’re a curse that I’ll never be free from.
I apologize to you for thinking such thoughts.
You’re a tree blessing in my life, and I need to appreciate you more.
I can’t allow the world to depreciate your value.

I thank God for you every day.
I pray that God continues to keep you in my life till we have to say goodbye to each other.
That day will come when I meet the right girl.
She’ll respect you and never try to push you away.
She’ll encourage you to be in my life daily.
She’ll want you in my life.
She’ll see that you mean the world to me.
She’ll see that you’re the best part of my life.

If she can’t see how much you mean to me, then I can’t see how much she means to me.
If she can’t accept you, then I can’t accept her.
If she can’t see your beauty, then I can’t see her beauty.
If she can’t believe in you, then I can’t believe in her.
If she can’t love you, then I can’t love her.

Again, I’m sorry that my love for you has been conditional.
From now on, I want to give you the love that you deserve.
A love that I have for my friends.
A love that I have for my brothers and sisters.
A love that I have for my parents.
A love that I have for myself.
A love that I have for God.
A love that is unconditional.

I promise to be better to you.
I promise to hold on to you till we have to say goodbye to each other one day.
It’ll be a happy and scary day, but it must happen.
I’ll miss you, but I’ll never forget about you.
You’ve taught me the value and importance of patience.
You’ve taught me the strength and significance of faith.
You’ve taught me the true meaning of love.
You’ve taught me all these things and more.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Thank you for the purity.

This is the end of the poem “Purity.”
Be sure to like, share or comment your thoughts on this poem.
Next week, I will be sharing two short stories. On Tuesday, I will be sharing “You Smell Like Apples.” On Thursday, I will be sharing “My Dark Side.”

My Other Fire

I often find myself thinking about you on random days.
In fact, I was just thinking about you today on me and my mom’s birthday.
I miss you a lot and wish that I could hear your voice again.
It was so distinct and beautiful.
I remember the laughs and smiles that we shared together.
I remember listening with ease to music that would move my soul with you.
Now, I struggle to listen to our music on my own.
It’s just not the same without you.
It just brings me nothing but heartache.

It’s hard living without you.
You were a constant fire in my life that I’m missing so much.
Can God bring you back to life?
It would mean so much to me.
No, I shouldn’t wish and pray for such a thing.
I always saw you as a good and faithful servant.
You were always living proof of the power of faith.
You deserve to be rewarded and favored by God.
You deserve to be in Heaven.

I want to talk to you about my mom.
I know that you would be proud of her.
She has helped me grow in ways that I could never imagine.
Since the beginning of my life, she has shown me unconditional love.
She made sure that I wouldn’t end up being another statistic.
Her unselfishness and kindness rubbed off on me.
She’s helped me with my struggles and helped me to my successes.
I can’t imagine the person I would be right now without her.
God truly blessed me with an angel.

You know I love my mom so much.
You know words can’t describe all that she’s done for me.
You know she’s been my rock my whole life.
You know she’s responsible for making me the person that I am today.
You know that she has my back.
You know all these things and more.

I love you so much.
It seems like we didn’t have enough time together.
I wish that I could turn back the clock and be with you.
But I want you to know that I’m good.
I’m stronger and wiser than ever before.
All thanks go to God for providing and blessing me with my mom.
My other fire.

A Mother’s Touch

I can’t thank you enough for everything you’ve done for me.
You’ve helped me in ways that I could never imagine.
You inspired me to chase after my aspirations and to let go of my distractions.
You helped my imagination meet reality in this world.
I can’t imagine my life without you.

You’ve been with me my whole life and never left my side.
Thank you for that.
Thank you for making sure that I was well-nourished and well-rested.
Thank you for loving me when you weren’t expecting me.
Thank you for seeing me as a gift, instead of an accident.
Thank you for seeing me as a blessing, instead of a burden.
Thank you for the hugs and kisses.
Thank you for the smiles and laughs.
Thank you for making sure that I didn’t end up being a statistic.
Thank you for making sure that I didn’t end up being an addict.
Thank you for having God in my life.
Thank you for showing me the true meaning of love.
Thank you for everything and so much more.

I thank God that I have you in my life.
God truly knew what he was doing for the both of us.
He knew that you were going to be one of the best things in my life.
I love you with all my heart, mom.
Thank you for having a mother’s touch.

I Will Always Remember Your Name

Antwon Rose.
You had such a beautiful name.
I can’t help but think about it.
I can’t help but wonder who you were meant to be in this world.
Were you meant to blossom like a rose?
Or were you meant to wither away in this world?
I don’t know.
You were stripped the opportunity to find out for yourself like our ancestors in Africa.
They were subjected to slavery in America.
What they could’ve been, just like what you could’ve been.

Antwon Rose
What were you thinking?
Why did you run away from the cop?
Who did you think you were?
Kunta Kinte?
Why couldn’t you just be Toby for the cop?
Why did you make that fatal mistake?
Then, I remember that you were a scared, 17 year old black kid.
You weren’t thinking.
You were just afraid and didn’t want to face the consequences.
You should have been apprehended appropriately like an armed mass shooter.
Instead, you were shot and killed like an unarmed slave running from his master.

Antwon Rose.
I used to think that Pittsburgh was stronger than hate, until I read and heard comments about you.
I couldn’t believe the hate you received and the love the cop received.
There was no regard for you or your family.
There was only support for the cop that shot you like a beloved member of the KKK.
I must say.
They have the Reconstruction mentality.
They have that lynch mentality.
They have that Jim Crow mentality.
That have that sit-in-the-back-of-the-bus mentality.
For them, if you don’t follow their rules, then you deserve the hose.
You deserve the persecution.
You deserve the abuse.
Antwon Rose, you didn’t follow the cop’s rules, so your death is on you.
It’s sadly not on the cop because for others he did everything right.
He shot you because he had no other choice.
You were just too dangerous as an unarmed black kid.
He protected life and served properly as a cop.
He was true to his job as a cop.
He’s a blue, and his life matters more to us than your life, Antwon Rose.
This is the sad, sick and twisted mindset people have about you, Antwon Rose.
I wish that it could be different.

Antwon Rose.
I have a dream that you were apprehended appropriately.
I have a dream that you were not at the wrong place at the wrong time.
I have a dream that more people would mourn your death.
I have a dream that your life mattered to everyone.
I have a dream that there was unity in Pittsburgh.
I have a dream that Pittsburgh was stronger than hate.
I have a dream that the cop faced justice for his fatal mistake.
I have a dream that you were still alive.
Antwon Rose, I wish I could be hopeful about my dreams.
Sadly, my dreams are meant to be only dreams and never a reality.

Antwon Rose.
I read your poem, and I must say that you had potential.
You were meant to be something special.
Why did you have to get shot and killed like Tamir Rice and Trayvon Martin?
I wish I knew.
I’m sorry that you ended up being a statistic.
It’s just not fair.
I think about my little brother Isaac.
He’s 17, the same age as you were.
He has so much potential just like you did.
I can’t imagine if his life ended just like yours did.
It would destroy me.
I can’t imagine what your family is going through.
I hope they have the strength to move forward.
I pray they do.

Antwon Rose.
I pray that you’re in a better place.
I pray that I can be hopeful for better days.
I pray for your family.
I pray that love will outweigh hate someday in America.
I pray all these things and more, Antwon Rose.
May you rest in peace, Antwon Rose.
I will always remember your name.

See You Soon

I think about you almost every day and long to be with you.
Why do we have to be so far away from each other?
Or maybe we’re closer than I think, and it’s a matter of perception.
It’s like you’re a dream within a dream like the movie Inception.
How long will you be on my mind?
How long will you be only a dream?
Can you please be my reality?

I pray to God every day, and I almost always mention you to Him.
I pray that God protects you from the evils of this world.
I pray that God loves you in ways that I never could.
I pray that God keeps you strong at your best and worst times.
I pray that God shows you that your true beauty lies within yourself.
I pray that God helps you grow into the person that you’re meant to be.
I pray these things and more to God

I wonder when we’ll cross paths or maybe meet again.
God tells me to have patience for our time will come eventually.
But there are times that I don’t know how I feel about that.
I wonder if I should chase after you like a mad man chasing after his sanity.
I mean, we have to go mad sometimes, right?
Maybe I need to be looking so crazy in love for you to find you.
Maybe I need to be searching so hard for you that I’ll eventually find you.
No, I can’t do that.
I can’t have an obsession over you because that’ll lead to depression.
It could also lead to some therapy sessions.

For now, I’m trusting in God and chasing after Him.
It’s the most important relationship in my life.
The second most important relationship in my life is with myself.
I have to learn to love myself before I can ever love you.

I know you haven’t yet, but I want to thank you for loving me.
Thank you for loving me in ways no one else could.
Thank you for standing in the rain with me no matter how wet you got.
Thank you for never abandoning me.
Thank you for always holding me when I had a nightmare.
Thank you for your strength when I was at my weakest.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Are you somebody that I know?
Or are you somebody that I’ll get to know?
I don’t know.
But what I do know is I’m excited for you and can’t wait to meet you.
I love you so much and cannot wait to start a life with you.
See you soon.

You Will Never Know

I can’t help but miss you.
I don’t know what I did or didn’t do wrong.
All I know is I long for us to be close again.
But nothing remains between us.
We put on a front by showing each other fake love in front of others.
But we know the truth.
We know that our love has run dried.
What did I do to hurt you?
Can I make things better between us?
Or has the damage already been done?

I remember the first time I saw you, and you gave me the purest smile ever.
I simply gave you my prettiest smile ever.
Was that fair to you?
I don’t know.
You seemed so sure about me.
You showed no fear, but I didn’t know.
We had just met.
How could you know how you felt about me?
Was it love at first sight?
Or was it something else?
I wish that I could ask you.

We talk and instantly connect.
You make me smile and laugh so much, and I do the same to you.
You tell me everything about you, and I listen with enjoyment.
There’s something precious about you.
I can’t help but be jealous and envious about the pureness of your heart.
Then, I wonder if I’ll corrupt you because the blackness in my heart and my blood.
It runs deep in my veins.
It’s toxic and infectious, and all I can do is worry about you.
Because I know my venom will destroy you.
I just can’t do that to you.
I know that you could be the best thing in my life.
However, I know that I could be the worst thing in your life.
You deserve someone who is flawless like you.
You deserve someone who is kind and pure like you.
You deserve someone who is perfect like you.
You don’t deserve someone like me.
You deserve only the best

I remember how hard it was to resist you the more time we spent together.
I can’t help but give you my purest smiles for your goodness, silliness and preciousness.
You made me happy on my worst days.
I could count on you to make me smile and laugh.
You were perfect in every way.

You always wanted to know more about me, but I was resistive.
I kept everything well-guarded in a prison under 24-hour surveillance.
You didn’t care though.
Instead, you always wanted to find a way in.
You wanted to find a secret passage to me, but there wasn’t one.
I had to be protective.
I had to keep my guard up because I don’t know what will happen if I let you in.
Maybe you would’ve saved me.
Or maybe you would’ve died in the process.
I couldn’t take that chance and risk hurting you.

We ended up drifting apart.
You kept your distance, and I didn’t know why you did this.
You’re still cordial with me, but you wanted nothing to do with me.
We don’t talk anymore like we used to do.
I can’t help but miss you.
Why did you stop being yourself with me?
Why do you only give me your prettiest smiles?
I only did what was best for you.
Anything more would have been futile.
You have to know that, right?

You will never know how sorry I am that I hurt you unintentionally.
You will never know that I wish that I did things differently with you.
You will never know that I was young, foolish and afraid to hurt you.
You’ll never know my personal demons and how they haunt me to this day.
You will never know.

This concludes the end of my poem titled “You Will Never Know.” I will be posting the story and meaning behind this poem tomorrow at noon. Be sure to like and comment your thoughts on this poem.

My Shadow

Life isn’t easy with you in my life
I often find myself lost and alone because of you
I feel like I’m going insane
I’m in so much pain
All that remains is you inside me
Sometimes I feel like I’m a psycho
But I know that I’m exaggerating
I mean, we all go a little mad sometimes, right?
However, I’m mad all the time with you in my life
At night, I can’t sleep or dream
I only think about my nightmares on sleepless nights
And I wonder how long can this go on?
How long can I carry you on my back?
How long can I allow you to break me?
How long can I see you and nothing more?
How long can I feel you creeping up on me?
How long can I hear you echoing in my ears?
How long can I endure you?
I want to change, but I can’t
Because I’m not motivated to do so
It’s too late to make that change
It’s too late to love myself
Or anyone else for that matter
With you in my life, I have no life
I’m just a shell filled with emptiness
Is there a way out?
I doubt it
You are all that stands in my way
What can I say?
All I can do is welcome the darkness
Welcome the silence
Welcome the nothingness
Welcome the ignorance
For you are my shadow

Forever

I think about you every day
What can I say?
You give me what I need
But you feed me way too much
And I’m always full of greed and laziness because of you
You’ve made me an addict
I am lost and sick without you
I know that I can’t be dependent on you
But I can’t help it
You give me the high I need that makes me feel like I can fly in the sky
I try to get rid of you
But I fail each and every time I try to
I want you every single day
And I don’t care
I don’t care that you’re slowly killing me
I don’t care that you’re manipulating me
I don’ care that you’re always infecting my mind
Because when I hit rewind, I remember that I started it
I’m the one that desperately wanted you and knew the consequences
I knew what I was doing
And I can’t play the victim card, even if I’m a victim now
I have to find a way out
But I’m still digging a bigger hole that’s close to being bottomless
It’s hopeless
Is there a way out?
Probably not
I’m destined to have you in my life
I’m betrothed to you till death do us part
I can’t stand you
I hate you
But I need you now more than ever
Forever

Fire

I was thinking about you today on this hot Tuesday
The heat and sun reminded me of your warmth and sunshine that you brought me
I reminisce our times together
And it seems like I’ll miss them forever
Why are you out of my life?
Why couldn’t I hold on to you a little longer?
I ask God, but He’s silent
I want to start a riot because I can’t stand God’s silence
But I’m quiet because of you
I know that you wouldn’t appreciate my anger towards God
If anything, it would depreciate you if I went off at God
You were everything to me, when I was nothing
You never gave up on me, even when I gave up on myself
It’s hard to find someone like you in this world
And it’s hard to forget someone like you
I wish I could see you one more time
I wish we could climb the mountains of life together once more
But our time has passed
We can’t have a blast from the past
And hope that we can outlast death itself
I have to understand that you’re gone but not forgotten
You’ll always hold a special place in my heart
No matter how far apart we are
You were my fire

Laziness

When it comes to you, I’m insecure
I can’t resist your allure
No matter how hard I try
I can’t deny you
You’re a large part of my life
And I hate that
Why do I lust after you?
Why is it so easy to embrace you?
I yearn for you
But I can never seem to learn that you’re slowly killing me softly
Or maybe I’m not willing to do anything about it
Because I enjoy you so much
You give me everything I want
Comfort, satisfaction and relaxation
And I was okay with the intoxication
And losing my fascination in life
Just being lost in translation with you
I forget that I have responsibilities
Because of you
And I neglect them
Until it’s too late
As much as I hate to say it
You’re evil, but you’re also innocent
You never forced me to embrace you
It was my choice
It was my choice to sleep with you
It was my choice to creep with you
It was my choice to abandon my work
And get closer to you
But you were deceitful
You slowly filled with me with your poison
And made me sin
Not so much against God, but against myself
I had lost touch of who I was
And could barely recognize myself because of you
Am I to blame?
Or am I just being framed by you?
I don’t know the answer
But I know that you’re not the answer
If anything, you’re the cancer that slowly builds up inside of me
By the time I notice, it’ll be too little, too late to be talking about change
By then, I’ll be a dead man walking

I need to make a change now
I need to remember who I was before you came along
I need to sing my song, instead of listening to your songs
I need to believe that life without you is a better one
I need so much, but I want so much more
I still want you in my life
I can’t imagine a life without you
You make life easier to deal with
But at the same time, you distract me from what’s real in life
You make me forget my goals, dreams and aspirations
And you instead fill me with regret
And I don’t want that anymore
I want something more out of life
But I know that it can’t include you
You’ll only slow me down
So, I have to say goodbye to you
And hope that I never see you again

I wrote this poem a few days ago because I realized that I was having an unhealthy relationship with laziness. There were times that I could’ve been more productive with my time, but I decided to be lazy. It’s been more than a month since my last post, and I hate that. I was striving to consistently write in my blog, but I found that I was not really caring to write or post. The reason is because of laziness. In my opinion, being lazy causes you to be careless and exasperated at inconvenient times of your life. For me, I used school and work as my excuse for being lazy. I was telling myself that I could relax because I’ve been working extremely hard in school and work, and I deserved to have a little relaxation time. However, too much of something is never good thing. I found that relaxing was a significant part of my day-to-day routine. I was barely able to get any of my writing done, pray to God and other things that I deeply valued in my life. So, I realized that I had to discipline myself and also find a healthy balance. It’s important to find time to relax and to give yourself a break, but you don’t want to be dependent on it. I want certain things in life but none of that will be possible if I’m just being lazy. I have to be willing to put in the extra work and time to have the life that I envisioned for myself. In addition, I can’t make any poor excuses about why things are not progressing in my life. I have to say goodbye to laziness.

Goodbye

You torment me every day
And I submit to you
Without putting up a fight
What can I say?
You are a false light
That makes me lose sight
On the things that are right
Inside me
You make me blind like Ray Charles
Crazy like Charles Manson
Over girls in mansions
That have no time with romancing
They’re just looking for advances
Why do I want these girls?
Why do I need these girls?
Please, tell me why?
I lie, I know why I want them
You show me their appeal every day
And I keep my lips sealed
And reveal nothing
About how evil and messed up
You truly are
You reveal too much
And I can’t turn away
From the lust that you create in my heart
Instead, I just want more
Like a drug addict
It’s not smart to hold onto you
But millions say that you’re harmless
Regardless, I know you’re heartless
Filled with darkness
And I’m slowly losing myself to you
How can I fight you, when I don’t want to?
You make me feel good
From the beginning to the end
But then I hate myself the next day
What can I say?
I can’t tell anybody about you
I’m too ashamed to
Because I’m the one to blame
I came and enjoyed playing you
Over and over again like a dirty game
I had all the control
But you had all the necessary power
You gave me what I wanted
So are you really the guilty one?
I used you and played you so many times
When there were times I didn’t need to
Now, I’m dependent on you
I can’t think about nothing else, but you
You drive me crazy
Because I hate you, but I want you
Like a kid wants candy
I want you to leave me alone
But you’re always around
You drown me with your presence
And you slowly kill me
I need something to heal me
Before it’s too late
And my fate is sealed
With you in my future
And I can’t have that
I can’t have you in my mind
On rewind
I can’t have you in my home
I can’t have you near my family
I can’t have you where I work
I can’t have you near my wife
I can’t have you near my children
I can’t have you in my life
Because you’re a monster and a poison
Instead, I need an angel and a cure
I need God in my life
To show me whatsoever things are pure, wholesome, kind and just
Will help me fight you
I refuse to be your prisoner
Any longer
It’s time for liberation
It’s time to be free
It is time
Let not my will, but God’s will be done
In the name of His son, Jesus Christ
I rebuke you out of my life
I rebuke you to the place of weeping and gnashing of teeth
Because God is on my side
Goodbye
And I hope I never see you again

Till Death Do Us Part

I’m walking towards you
As you’re waiting for me down the aisle
But I don’t want you
You’re nothing but a vile creature
This I’m sure of
I don’t want to meet you at the end of the aisle
I want to go the opposite direction
But I can’t
You have all the control over me
Why can’t I let you go?
You strip me of any possible joy
That I could have in my life
Yet, I continue to hold on to you
Like an incurable infection
I’ll never be rid of you till death do us part

I’m inching closer to you
With no way of escape
Or deliverance
You rape me with your presence
Knowing exactly what your appearance is doing to me
Why did I keep you around for so long?
Why did I commit to you?
When I knew that you were wrong for me?
There were days and nights I could’ve walked away
But I knew that I would be lost without you
Because we’ve been together for so long
I know life would be better without you
But it wouldn’t be the same without you
I would yearn for you daily
And never learn to live without you
I hate that I’m committed to you
Till death do us part

I finally make it to you at the altar
As you were patiently waiting for me
You knew that I would come to you eventually
It was only a matter of time
The priest asks if I’m sure about this
He knows that I’m making a mistake
He knows that me and you have that fake love
That everyone, including the congregation, has for you
You’re a cheater
You’re a sinner
You’re an adulterer
You’re evil and lust all wrapped up in one
The priest knows this
And pleads for me to run away from you
But I can’t
I’m committed to you, and you alone
The priest is disappointed in me
And he knows that there’s nothing he can do
He has lost me to you
And you’re happy about this
He allows us to be together
And officially allows us to be married to one another
Till death do us part

No Fear

I used to worry about my future
Because I was unsure
About what my future would hold
This made me be scared to be bold
It made me withhold
I was scared to do anything
Scared to spread my wings
Cause I didn’t know if I could fly
I don’t know why I thought I couldn’t fly
When I had the Word and the Lord
No, why do I have to lie?
Truthfully, I didn’t know if the Lord was with me
So, how else was I supposed to fly?
When it was possible that I could die?
I couldn’t stand the uncertainty
So, I stayed put
Stayed in the present
And didn’t progress
I did less and became careless
Of planning my future
Instead, I followed the allure of laziness
Man, I was such a mess
I couldn’t pass the test of life
There were days that I wished I had a knife to end my life
I needed motivation
To turn my life around
But there was only procrastination
On my part
So, I was never going to reach my destination
That was just my observation
I needed a change
But it was out of range
To do so
Because I was my own foe
I was stopping myself from flying
Because I feared dying
Sadly, I’m not lying
But then I realized that I was dying
At an alarming rate
Because I was doing nothing
I needed to change before it was too late
And before my fate was sealed
What did I need to do?
Who should I go to?
Where would the answer lie?
When would I find the answer?
Would I find it before I die?
How long could I endure
Not knowing my future?
Man, I just needed a cure
For the longest, I couldn’t find it
I thought I would never find it
Until I was pushed
By the people that I cared about most
I was almost to die
Had they not come to my rescue
It’s funny how a select few can rescue you
And help you turn your life around
This is true
Cause I’m living proof that it is true
I wonder why it’s true
I guess God knows what he’s doing
When he puts people in your life
And it’s only a matter of time
That you want to get out of the lime-light
And fight to get your life together
And get better
No matter the weather
And trust in God
By just listening to him
And that’s what I did
And that’s all it takes
If you want to fix your mistakes
And move on
To bigger and better things
I’m thankful that I have nothing to fear
When I think about the future
Because I’m sure
That my future is bright
If I just continue to follow the light

Just Leave Me Alone

There’s this girl on my mind
That makes me believe that love is blind
Because I love how she’s designed
She’s just so sweet, funny and kind
But I know that I need to leave her behind
Because she’s not right for me
But she cannot see
That we’re not meant to be

She still believes that we’re a possibility
And she does not have the ability
Nor the capability
To realize that we’re not meant to be a reality
In all actuality
She wants me to remember
All my times with her
Were something special
And that we have the potential
Together, to be successful
She just wanted me to give us a chance
And give romance a chance
If we want to advance in a relationship
But I’m not interested in a courtship
I just want a friendship
But she doesn’t care
And it’s not fair
I want to tell her that it’s not fair
But I wouldn’t dare
Because I care

My problem is that I care too much
I still care about her warm touch
But I need to forget
Before there’s only regret
And tragedy like in Hamlet
We’re not meant to last long
We’re just the typical, short, love song
But I’m not wrong

We barely have anything in common
No, the truth is she’s too foreign
I know that sounds rotten
I didn’t mean for it to sound rotten
But it’s the truth
She deeply cares about her culture
That’s far different from mine
Like water is to fine wine
We’re not meant to be long-term
If anything, we’re short-term
I’m just thinking about the future
Something that I’m unsure about
But what I am sure about
Is that she’s not the answer or cure to my life

I wish nothing but the best for her
But we can’t be together
We have to go our separate ways
If we want better days
There’s someone out there for the both of us
It’s a must for us to realize this

She is someone that I will miss
I wish that we could’ve shared a simple kiss
And possibly see if love was on our list
But I already knew that it was too risky
And that a kiss wouldn’t have changed anything
If anything, it would’ve made things worse
I just want her to realize that we’re not meant to be
And for her to just leave me alone

I wrote this poem a year ago, and it’s basically about a girl, let’s call her Lilly, that liked me and wanted something more with me. I don’t talk to her anymore because of something that happened between us, but that’s another story. Anyways, the poem talks about how Lilly was funny, smart and sweet. She was this very exotic, pretty girl from an Asian country. Even though Lilly had all of these great, unique qualities that I loved about her, I still didn’t want to be in a relationship with her. The reason is because we couldn’t connect at all. For me, having a connection with someone is important. How can you love someone that you can’t connect with? Lilly was a great girl, but she wasn’t for me. She was a girl that was deeply immersed with her culture, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I actually admired it. I’ve connected with girls with different backgrounds and cultures because I at least had something in common with them. Something that allowed us to connect. I just didn’t have that feeling or vibe with Lilly. I still wanted to be friends with her, but I never wanted a relationship with her because I knew that it would never work out. Unfortunately, she didn’t see it my way. She still wanted me to give her a chance, and I actually did. We actually went on a date on Christmas but that’s an entirely different story.