Nightmares

Lost and Forgotten

I wish that I could be better.
I pray every day to be better.
I wonder what’s taking God so long.
Why doesn’t He want to help me right now?
Why does He have to be so quiet, while everything around me is so loud and clear?

I guess it takes patience and time with God.
Also, what am I expecting Him to do?
To just magically make my troubles go away?
I don’t think it works like that.
I wish more than anything that it did though.
It would be so much easier for me.

God, I’m sorry that I’m struggling right now.
God, I’m sorry that I can’t lift the weight off my shoulders.
God, I’m sorry that I can only do so much.
God, I’m sorry that my spirit is weak.
God, I’m sorry for who I am right now.

How could be going through this right now?
Now’s not a good time.
I’m broken, and I’m in desperate need of healing.

I can’t let people help me, especially those close to me.
They can’t see this side of me.
It’s shameful and disgusting.
I’m supposed to be this perfect image for them.
I have to be, otherwise who am I?
I’ll just hide the pain, the struggling and the hurt I’m feeling.
I’ll just pretend I’m fine because it’s the best thing to do for everyone.
I have to think about others, before I think about myself.

I want to be better, but I don’t think it’s possible.
I think I got a long, grueling road ahead of me.
Can I make it to the end of it?
I don’t know.
I hope I can, but I don’t think that’s enough.
Will God help me a little more?
I don’t know.
It just feels like I’m lost and forgotten.

This is the end of the poem “Lost and Forgotten.”

Be sure to like, share and comment your thoughts on this poem.

This weekend, I will be sharing and posting poetry dedicated to my little sister Shawna in honor of her birthday October 1.

I’ll Never Know

I found myself thinking about you today.
It’s hard to remember the good days that we had together.
Sadly, I can only remember our bad days.
I guess disappointment is stronger than happiness.
I want to remember the joy you gave me, I truly do.
However, I’m distracted by the pain you’re inflicting on me.
When will it end?

I wish we had more good days together.
I wish that you knew that it’s not too late to make a change.
I wish that we could have a life together.
Sadly, it’s not possible because you don’t believe nothing’s wrong with you.
You believe that you’re perfect just the way you are.
It’s the world that’s the problem, right?
It’s the world that caused you to never learn.
It’s the world that caused you to make the mistakes that you made.
It’s the world that caused you to be who you are.
How can you change when the world is against you?

When I was young, I thought you were the best thing in my life.
I was so proud and unashamed to have you in my life.
I didn’t care what others said about you.
I only cared about what you thought about yourself.
You sold yourself well to me like a used cars salesman.
You told me what I wanted to hear.
You showed me what I wanted to see.
However, you didn’t give me what I needed.
Why couldn’t you be honest with me?
Why did I have to find out the truth about you the hard way?

I tried to keep my faith strong in you, but it was a struggle.
I was constantly disappointed by the lies you masked as truth.
Years and years passed, and I could no longer see you anymore.
I saw only a stranger that so many people knew.
Why did it take me so long to see your true colors?
Why didn’t I see it sooner?
How could you not be who I wanted you to be?

It hurts that I have to distance myself from you, but it’s a necessity.
You bring out the worst in me, don’t you see?
No, you’ll never see that.
You’ll only see what you want to see.
You’ll only believe that you’re the best thing for me right now.
I’m doing so great without you, can’t you be happy for me?
Or do you need all the praise, honor and glory for your own selfish desires?
Why can’t you see what others and I see in you so clearly?
I fear I’ll never know.

This is the end of the poem “I’ll Never Know.”
In honor of my Grandma Mollie’s birthday this week August 21, all writings this week will be dedicated to her. On Tuesday, I will be posting “Movies with Grandma.” On Thursday, I will be posting “Getting Too Greedy.” Then, I will be posting two poems about my awesome, loving grandma on Saturday and Sunday.

Wake Up

There’s no one to blame but myself.
I can’t make anymore excuses anymore.
I have to own up to the person I’ve become.
I’ve become someone that I’m not.
I’ve become someone that I’ve always dreaded.
I’ve become someone that I’m not proud of.

I lost my way.
I long for a cure, but my disease is worse than cancer.
I fear that there is no cure.
I fear that nothing can save me.
I don’t even know who I am anymore.
I don’t even recognize him anymore.

I can’t stand who I see in the mirror.
He doesn’t represent who I am.
I’m capable of being so much more than him.
How did I become him?

I guess it started with the attraction of relaxation.
However, it quickly turned into an addiction to laziness.
Why couldn’t I fight its allure?
Why was it so intoxicating to me?
I guess I was tired of the same old, same old and wanted something new.
I guess I wanted something good for the moment.
I guess I was tired of something lasting and filling.

I want God to bless me out of my struggle, but I don’t think I’m deserving of a blessing.
I don’t know what I’ve done lately to earn a blessing.
I’ve just been in my own little world.
He’s just not in it.
I mean, He visits me every now and then, but I don’t let Him stay with me too long.
He’s not a permanent resident in my cheap apartment.

I miss being with Him.
I thought I could be on my own, but I need Him.
I need His house, His love, His protection, His care.
I need it now more than ever.
God, I’m sorry that I’m haven’t been the person you destined me to be.
I pray that it’s not too late to make that change.
I pray that I can earn the blessing or blessings that you have in my life.
Please, tell me that you still love me.
Please, tell me that I’m still worthy.

I’m lost in my own world.
I’m comfortable sleeping my life away.
I want to wake up, but I’m too tired and not willing to wake up.
Please, can someone tell me the time of dreaming is over?
Please, can someone tell me the time of sleeping is over?
Please, can someone tell me the time of laziness is over?
Please, can someone tell me the time of waiting for an answer is over?
Please, can someone tell me that it’s time to wake up?

This is the end of the poem “Wake Up.”

Be sure to like, share and comment your thoughts on this poem.

On Tuesday, I will be sharing the short story “Checking Out A Scared, Black Woman” on the Warfield Zone.

My Worst Nightmare

Why do the days have to be so long with you?
Are you ever gonna give me a break?
Are we ever gonna stop fighting with each other?
Are you ever gonna let me open myself up to others?
Are you always gonna force me into isolation?
Please, I have to know.

I’m trying so hard to make things work with you, but it’s impossible.
You have to have your way because of who you are.
I just want to be happy for once.
Why can’t you let me experience that?
I heard happiness was a special feeling, but I wouldn’t know thanks to you.
Happiness is only a flower that I can never hold.
I can only see its beauty planted from a distance.

I pray to God every day to get rid of you, but you’re still here.
I read the Bible every day to find ways to fight you, but you’re still here.
What more can I do?
How come God and the Bible ain’t enough to fight you?
What more do I need for deliverance from you?

I think about asking others for help, but I’m hesitant.
I don’t want people knowing about you.
I don’t want people associating you with me.
I don’t want people questioning how you’re with me in the first place.
I don’t want people looking at me differently.
I don’t want people discovering how weak I am because of you
I don’t want people learning who I am because of you.

You hold all the power over me.
I fear that you’ll get the best of me.
I’m tired of fighting, and I just want to let you win.
Because you are my worst nightmare.

This is the end of the poem “My Worst Nightmare.”
Be sure to like, share and comment your thoughts on this poem.
This week, I will be posting two short stories. On Tuesday, I will be posting and sharing the short story “Preferences.” On Thursday, I will be posting and sharing the short story “A Terrible Wingman.”

You Can Do Better Than Me

Sometimes it feels like I’m a burden in your life.
Sometimes it feels like I’m a bump in your road.
Sometimes it feels like I’m a crack in your mirror.
Sometimes it feels like I’m a spot on your body.
Sometimes it feels like I’m a meaningless cliché to you.
Sometimes it feels like we don’t belong.

I try to ignore these feelings, but I can’t.
They’re too loud with their cries to ignore.
I know you don’t need me, but I’m worried that I need you.
I need you to tell me that I’m not a disappointment but a gift to you.
I need you to assure me that there’s no reason to be worried.
I hope you can give me what I need, but I fear that you can’t.

I want to be honest with you, but I worry that it’s an inconvenience to you.
How could I get in the way of your happiness?
How could I not see that you’re killing it in life right now?
How could I get in the way of your success?
Who am I to do such a terrible thing to you?
It’s selfish of me to tell you how I feel.
You need to worry about yourself, not about me and my insecurities.
After all, I’m the only one that can save myself.

You truly are amazing, and I’m so thankful to have you in my life.
However, I feel like I have to let you go.
You deserve someone better than me.
You deserve someone that has more worth to you than me.
You deserve the best that God can bless you with.
I feel like I’m the worst, and you can do better than me.

My Sweet Poison

I don’t know why I’m thinking about you right now.
I guess I miss you and hope you’re doing good.
Do you remember the times we had?
I remember them on my loneliest of days.
I miss them with a passion.
I wish we could have those times back once more.
I wish like Stevie Wonder.
I remember how much you loved him, my Cherie amour.
It was always special listening to him with you.

There are so many things I still want to do to you.
I still want to admire you and never stop admiring you.
I still want to look at you and never stop looking at you.
I still want to hold you and never let you go.
I still want to love you and never stop loving you.
Sadly, it’s not possible.

We had to go our separate ways.
I know we loved each other, but we weren’t meant to be together.
We could only be a short-term relationship.
I knew this, but you never did.
You thought we were endgame.
You thought we were meant to have a long life together.
You had this beautiful fantasy for us that I wanted to believe in.
It was a sweet dream, but I could never dream or believe in it.
I was stuck in the harsh reality.

I want to forget about you, but I can’t.
You were the worst, but I can only see the good in you.
You were toxic, but you were sweet.
You are my sweet poison.

A Necessary Nightmare

I can’t stand what you do to me.
You deceive me into believing that I’m weak.
You blind me so that I won’t see the truth.
You manipulate me into being a coward.
You discourage me from being who I am.
You decide my fate and future in this world.

Why do you have so much power over me?
Why do I cower in your presence?
Why do you always want to limit my potential?
Why do you want control over my life?
Why do I allow you to have control over my life?
Why will you always be in my life?

It’s a constant fight with you.
Sometimes I win and sometimes you win.
I wonder when the fighting will be over, but it will never be over.
We’re destined to be at each other’s throats.
We’re destined to do this forever it seems.
We’re destined to do this till the day I die.

I hate that you’re in my life, but I’m thankful for you.
You make me and my faith in God stronger.
You’re in my life to push me towards success.
However, you’re also trying to push me towards my fears and failures.
You’re a dangerous, but necessary evil that I need in my life.
You are a necessary nightmare.

This is the end of the poem “A Necessary Nightmare.”

I will be posting another poem tomorrow on the Warfield Zone!

 

My Recurring Nightmare

Why do you always want to hurt me in the worst possible way?
What did I do to ever hurt you?
For years, I believed in you and me, and I didn’t care what others said about you.
They didn’t know you like I knew you.
That’s what I always said to myself, but I realize now that I was deceived.

You always promised me that you would change, but you never did.
Why?
False advertisement, I guess.
Why did you lie to me for years?
Why do you continue to lie to me, when I know the truth?
Is it just easier to hurt me with your lies?
Can you only lie to me?
Is lying to me the only thing you can do to me?
Or have your lies become your truth now?

How can I love you, when I’m too tired to?
I’m tired to giving you everything, while you give me nothing.
I’m sorry, but my love to you is conditional.
I remember when it was unconditional, but you proved to me that it wasn’t.

How can my love be unconditional when all I saw was your dark side?
How can my love be unconditional when all I saw was your addiction?
How can my love be unconditional when all I saw was your anger?
How can my love be unconditional when all I saw was your excuses?
How can my love be unconditional when all I saw was your hatred?
How can my love be unconditional when all I saw was your destruction?
How can my love to you be unconditional?

Why can’t you let me go?
Can’t you see that my life’s better without you?
Can’t you see that I’m happier without you?
No, you never will.
Nor will the world.

They tell me that I have to give you chance after chance because of who you are.
They tell me that I have to honor you because of who you are.
They tell me that you love me because of who you are.
They tell me that I have to forgive and forget because of who you are
They tell me that I have to have you in my life because of who you are.
They tell me that I have to turn the other cheek because of who you are.
Well, I must ask when is enough enough?
Please, I just want to be free from your grasp.
I want to enjoy a life without you.
Can’t the world understand that?

I can’t lie, I do genuinely love you.
Without you, I wouldn’t be here.
However, you’re the worst.
It hurts me to say that, but it’s the truth.
You bring out the worst in me, and I want no part of you in my life because you’re toxic.

I know you won’t see these words or care about them at all.
You’ll just consider this poem a lie to who you are.
In your eyes, you’re the best with no flaws.
You were just dealt a bad hand, and I have to understand that.
Sadly, I refuse to understand that truth of yours.

How long will this go on?
How long will you continue to blame the past?
How long will you continue to blame life for who you are?
How long will you continue to give me false hope?
How long will you continue to disappoint me?
How long will you continue to give me promises that you can’t keep?
How long will you continue to abandon me?
How long will you continue to deceive me?
How long will you continue to have no knowledge of who I am?
How long will you continue to be my recurring nightmare?

This is the end of the poem “My Recurring Nightmare” in the Nightmares series. Be sure to like, share and comment your thoughts on this poem.

Tomorrow, I will be posting another poem on the Warfield Zone!

I Trust You More

I can’t get her out my head, and this bothers you.
You want me all to yourself, but I want something more.
You can’t give me what I need, and you don’t want to.
You don’t want to be what she is to me.

I adore you and appreciate everything you’ve done for me.
You’ve always been there for me.
You’ve always been loyal to me.
You’ve always been my protector.
You’ve always been my guide, but when do I stop relying on you?
I’m dying without her by my side.
It’s like I have cancer, and all you’re doing is giving me chemo therapy.

When are things gonna change?
When are you going to see that she’s the only medicine I need?
When are you gonna see that she can cure me?
When are you going to trust me?

I trust you, can’t you do the same for me?
No, you can’t, and I don’t blame you.
You’ve always been right, while I’ve always been wrong.
When I didn’t listen to you, I’ve gotten hurt in more ways than one.
You ensure that I’m safe by keeping people at a safe distance.
You assure me that I only need you because people will only hurt me.
You have my best interest at heart.
I can’t imagine being apart from you.
You’re my closest and only friend.
You tell me the less friends I have the better because all I need is you.

Nevertheless, I want her in my life, but you refuse.
You don’t even hear me out.
You just give me your answer.
You tell me to stay away from her.
You tell me to push her away.
You tell me to be patient.
You tell me to wait till I know more.
You tell me to wait for someone better, but who is better than her?

I know I need you, but I can’t keep depending on you.
I love you, and I’m thankful for everything you’ve done for me.
But I realize that I need to trust in her.
I need to believe that she won’t hurt me.
I need to believe that she’ll be there for me.
I need to believe that she’ll be the best thing in my life.
I need to believe that she’ll be better than you.
I need to trust what’s in my core a little more, but I can’t.
I trust you more.

Living Without You

I can’t get you out of my head.
Sometimes I wish you were dead to me, but I need you stay alive.
I need you like a junkie needs drugs.
I lie to myself and say you’re harmless and pure like water.
I also say that you’re a necessity and nourishment like food.
I just can’t live without you.
I can’t be without you.

You’re everything to me, but I would never say that out loud.
I know my parents wouldn’t be proud of that, let alone God.
You’re a curse to me, but also a blessing.
It’s kind of depressing.

I often find myself suppressing any way out from you because I’m scared.
I’m scared of a life that I can control.
I’m scared of having full ownership of my soul.
I’m scared of no longer living in fear.
I’m scared of leaning on God’s understanding.
I’m scared of learning how to grow without you.
I’m scared of knowing where to go without you.
I’m scared of living without you.

You kept me strong when I was weak, but I know that you’re wrong for me.
I can’t keep holding on to you.
I have to let you go, so that I can be true again and no longer live in sin.
I have to believe that God will be there for me.
However, I can’t believe it because I can’t see it.
I’m blind to salvation because of you.
You cover me with your evilness and darkness.
I’ve sadly grown accustomed to you.
How did this happen?
I want to say you forced yourself on to me, but that would be a lie.
It was curiosity.
I turned a blind eye to your insanity and welcomed your vanity.

I should’ve known your generosity would come with a cost.
Now, I’m lost with you by my side.
I shouldn’t have let my flesh be my guide.
I should have trusted in my heart.
I should have trusted in my mind.
I should have trusted in Jesus.
I should have trusted in God.
Now, I’m stuck trusting in you and your wickedness.
Now, I can’t imagine living without you.

Thank you for reading “Living Without You,” a poem in the Nightmare series. Be sure to like, share and comment your thoughts on this poem.
Next week, I will be posting part one of a four-part series titled “The Philadelphia Girl” on Tuesday. Then, I will be posting part two on Thursday.

 

You Will Never Know

I can’t help but miss you.
I don’t know what I did or didn’t do wrong.
All I know is I long for us to be close again, but nothing remains between us.
We put on a front by showing each other fake love in front of others.
But we know the truth.
We know that our love has run dried.
What did I do to hurt you?
Can I make things better between us?
Or has the damage already been done?

I remember the first time I saw you.
You gave me the purest smile ever, while I gave you my prettiest smile ever.
Was that fair to you?
I don’t know.
You seemed so sure about me.
You showed no fear, but I didn’t know.
We had just met.
How could you know how you felt about me?
Was it love at first sight?
Or was it something else?
I wish that I could ask you

We talk and instantly connect.
You make me smile and laugh so much.
And I do the same to you.
You tell me everything about, and I listen with enjoyment.
There’s something precious about you.
I can’t help but be jealous and envious about the pureness of your heart.
It’s something to cherish and behold.
Then, I wonder if I’ll corrupt you.
Because the blackness in my heart and my blood runs deep in my veins.
It’s toxic and infectious.
And all I can do is worry about you and how my venom will destroy you.
I just can’t do that to you, even though you could be the best thing in my life.
I think that I’ll be the worst thing in your life.
You deserve someone who is flawless, strong, kind, perfect and pure like you.
You don’t deserve someone like me.
You deserve only the best.

I remember how hard it was to resist you the more time we spent together.
I can’t help but give you pure smiles for your goodness, silliness and preciousness.
You make me happy on my worst days, and I can count on you to laugh.
You are perfect in every way.

You always want to know more about me, but I’m resistive.
I keep everything well-guarded in a prison under 24-hour surveillance.
However, you always want to find a way in.
You want to find a secret passage to me, but there isn’t one.
I have to be protective.
I have to keep my guard up because I don’t know what will happen if I let you in.
Maybe you can save me or maybe you’ll die in the process.
I can’t take that chance.
I can’t risk hurting you.

We end up drifting apart.
You keep your distance, and I don’t know why you do this.
You’re still cordial with me, but I know that you want nothing to do with me.
We don’t talk anymore like we used to do.
I can’t help but miss you.
Why did you stop being yourself with me?
Why do you only give me your prettiest smiles?
I only did what was best for you, anything more would have been futile.
You have to know that, right?

You will never know how sorry I am that I hurt you unintentionally.
Not a day goes by that I was I did things differently with you.
I was young, foolish and afraid to get hurt and to hurt you.
You will never know my personal demons or how they constantly haunt me to this day.
You will never know.

 

 

My Sweet Drug

You’re a special kind of drug
Not because of your potency or taste
But because you require me to do everything
I have to help you before you ever help me
But I can’t do everything for you
I need help too
But you don’t seem to care
To be fair, I don’t dare say that it’s all your fault
I’m the one that catered to you so much, when I knew that I shouldn’t have
As a result, you developed a habit to take advantage of me
Now you’ve become a savage that mutilates me and eats away the good inside of me
Why do you do this to me after everything I’ve done for you?
You humiliate and devastate me like it’s nothing
And I can’t take it anymore
I’m tired of this long, pointless war between us
It has to come to an end, doesn’t it?
Or do you enjoy the fight?
Do you enjoy taking the light that God created inside of me?
Do you enjoy creating in me a darkness that makes me more like you?
If so, shame on you
I can’t keep playing the same game over and over again and expect different results
It’s insanity
But you don’t mind because you’re psychotic
Within you is a demonic spirit
You crave innocence and purity like an alcoholic craves alcohol
You’re not good for me
You’re the worst, but I can’t push you away
I’m used to you now
I can’t imagine life without you
You give me a special kind of high that heroine and cocaine can never give me
You always disappoint me, but I always give you another chance because you can change
I know you can’t, but I think you can
False hope is a terrible symptom of yours
That’s worse than dope itself, but I can’t help it
I’m addicted to you
I can’t help but hate and love you
My sweet drug

The Impossible Treasure

You’re always with other people
You give them a smile on their faces
That can only make me sick and vile
Like a tortured prisoner, I need to know
Why are you there for other people but not for me?
Why are you afraid to get close to me but welcome other people?
To other people, you’re a delicate, beautiful rose
To me, I don’t know
You’re unknown like the universe
And I’m alone, I guess that’s my curse
Without having you in my life
You, the impossible treasure

I often wonder what it’s like to have you
I hear that you’re quite the motivator
You know, I could really use you right now
Since I’m alone and depressed like Darth Vader
But you don’t care
You don’t care that I’m losing my mind
You don’t care that I lost my pride
You don’t care that I want to commit suicide
You don’t care, you don’t care, you don’t care
You’re a monster
I hate you and people that have you
Because why can’t I have you?
What’s so wrong with me?
Am I not good enough for you?
Only few can have you?
You, the impossible treasure

 

My Future is My Nightmare

My future is coming soon
It’s waiting to come out of it’s cocoon
I hope it will be bright like a full moon
But I don’t know if that’s possible
Then again, it’s not impossible
If anything, it’s plausible and probable
That my future is set and inevitable
Still, I wish I knew my future
My worries are my sickness, and I need a cure
I need something to make me whole and pure
Who am I kidding, there is no cure
Only a nightmare

What will I be when I’m older?
Will I be bolder or colder?
Will I have my life in order?
Will I fulfill my purpose in life?
Will I have kids and a beautiful wife?
Will I be happy with my life?
Will I change the world?
Or will the world change me?
Will I live to see thirty?
Or will I be old enough to see ninety?
Will God be proud of me?
All these questions I have, I can no longer bear
Would anyone even care?
About my future, my nightmare?

I don’t like the uncertainty
Or the absurdity and deformity
Of my future
And I just want to be sure about my future
I need an answer and cure for my future
Why can’t I know?
Is my future a friend or a foe?
Forget it, I’ll never know
Who am I kidding?
My future wants to remain hidden
And there’s nothing I can do about it
I have to wait till I get hit with my future
Doesn’t seem legit
Should I give a fit?
About my future, my nightmare?

This is what I fear
I fear my future is near
Or perhaps it’s already here
But it’s not clear
I hope I can stop worrying about my future
I just wish I wasn’t unsure
About my future
I wish that I could not care
About my future, my nightmare

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