I’m Not Doing Enough

It hurts that I’m never doing enough in your eyes,

I do try my best,

But it’s never enough for you.

I’m constantly trying to get better,

I’m constantly looking for ways to improve,

But you demand immediate perfection.

You demand more from me,

I used to appreciate it,

But now it just defeats me.

Your disappointments in me take away my motivation,

They take away the joys I had in improving.

You’re not proud of me,

I’m a failure in your eyes,

You don’t even know how much that hurts me.

Maybe you don’t even care,

You just want me to be the best,

And you won’t be satisfied until I am the best.

Maybe I don’t want to be the best anymore.

It’s been exhausting for me,

And I don’t even know if it’s worth it anymore.

Maybe I should stop,

Maybe I should give up,

After all,

I’m not doing enough.

I’m Missing Me

I wish I could see myself again,

I barely recognize who I am now,

I’m lost and afraid,

I’m not myself anymore.

It’s been so long since I’ve seen myself,

Where did I go?

What am I even trying to do now?

I’m trying to survive,

I’m trying to get through the days,

I’m trying to avoid new possibilities,

I’m trying to forget about enjoying life,

I hate who I’ve become,

I used to be more vibrant,

I used to be more positive,

I used to be happy,

I’m missing who I once was,

I’m missing me.

Today is a Hard Day

Today is just hard for me,

I hope I’m doing alright,

I hope this is just a rare day,

That is just all too familiar for me.

I hope I’m doing everything right,

I wish I could know for sure,

I hate having doubt,

I hate that I can’t believe in myself.

Will I always hate myself?

Why can’t I love myself?

Why is it a struggle to stay positive?

I guess if it was easy,

Everyone could do it.


I’m trying to do my best,

I’m trying not to worry so much,

But I can’t help it.

Worry creeps in my mind,

Doubt keeps me up at night,

Fear sleeps with me every night.


I thought I was doing better,

I thought I was over days like this one,

Today is not a good day for me,

Today I’m feeling like the old me,

Today I’m realizing a hard truth,

Today I’m having a hard day.

Please, Prove Me Wrong

I wish we could have a better relationship,

But I know it’s not possible

Because you want to remain in the past.

You want to hold on to the hurt and pain it caused you.

You’ve held on to it for years now,

And you’ve grown so dependent on it.

It’s like an addiction that you can’t get rid of so easily.

How long will you hold on to your addiction?

Do you really treasure it over me?

I don’t want to know the answers to those questions,

But I fear I already know the answers.

You’re an addict that desperately needs help,

I’ve tried my best to help you,

But I’m tired of my help leading us nowhere.

I’m tired of the same excuses,

I’m tired of the same lies,

I’m tired of the same empty promises,

I’m tired of the same pointless conversations,

I’m tired and need something different from you.

I’m worried that will never happen,

But I pray and hope I’m wrong.

But I fear I already know the answer.

Please, prove me wrong.

Come Back

Life isn’t the same without you.

I want us together again.

Please, come back to me.

Come back into my spirit.

I miss you.

I miss who I used to be.

I can’t continue living life like this.

It’s damaging my soul not having you around.

I’m lost in a world full of darkness.

Please come back and be my light.

I need to see again.

I want to see the world so clearly again.

I can’t be anything without you.

It’s a struggle to survive.

Please revive me.

I want life in this vessel again.

I want to thrive and be happy again.

Happiness seems like a distant, impossible dream now.

Depression is sadly my dark, twisted fantasy.

It’s a nightmare that I can never wake up from.

Unless you come back to me.

Come back to me, please.

I’ll do anything to have you back.

I need you back.

Please, come back to me.

Can you come back to me?

I hope you can.

I hope it’s not too late.

Come back.

An Empty Glass

I have an empty glass in my hand.

I long and thirst for something.

I look around and see nothing.

Total darkness surrounds me.

I feel like I belong in this black world.

A world of no color, light or joy.

A world that is simply a dark place.

An endless void of nothingness.

A world that I can relax in peace with no distractions.

Can this last forever?

A table appears in front of me.

On it appears to be two jars of liquid.

One jar has water in it.

The other jar has some sort of red liquid in it.

I have an opportunity to no longer thirst.

This was something I was waiting for.

Something I was hoping and praying for.

I look to choose a jar,

But I’m hesitant.

I shake the feeling away,

But then I stop myself.

I quickly realize that I will change.

I will no longer thirst.

If I no longer thirst,

Then where will I go?

Will I go to a better place?

Or will I go to an unimaginable, scarier place?

Plus, which jar should I choose?

Will water be enough to quench my thirst?

It’s pure and untainted.

It has a familiar taste that I need.

I have nothing to fear with water.

We all need water.

Yet, how do I know that this is good water?

Looks can be deceiving.

Maybe I’m supposed to choose the jar with the red liquid.

Perhaps I’m being tested,

And need to choose the red liquid.

Maybe it’s the one with the right nutrients and essentials,

And it could be a nourishment to my body.

Maybe it will help me survive.

Perhaps it’s the most honest,

Despite it’s unique look.

But it could be poisonous.

Perhaps there’s something fatal in the red liquid.

It could hurt me in more ways than one.

The possibilities are endless.

Which one should I choose?

I choose neither.

I turn my back away from the table.

I walk away from the two jars full of liquid that could’ve saved or killed me.

Why take an unnecessary risk?

I walk into total darkness.

I walk around and see nothing.

An endless void of nothingness.

A world that is simply a dark place.

A world of no color, light or joy.

A black world that I feel like I belong in.

Yet there’s something missing for me.

I long and thirst for something.

I have an empty glass in my hand.

 

Just For Today

I want nothing on my mind,

I just don’t want to think about anything.

It’s a terrible day to do such a thing.

I’m just having one of those days.

You know about those days, right?

It’s perfectly normal to have these days, right?

It just feels like I have them all the time.

I just have days of wanting to feel nothing,

When I’m feeling everything.

Why do I have these days?

What’s wrong with me?

No, nothing is wrong with me, right?

It’s just one of those days, right?

I just have to get through today.

Just deal with it all today.

Just for today.

 

 

Letting You Go

I thought that it would be impossible to let you go.

It’s a miracle that I was able to do so.

You always had me itching and wanting your attention and love.

You were medicine for me.

It’s a fact,

I can’t lie about that.

You were a drug that gave me a special kind of high,

Yet you were also a drug that was detrimental to my mind, body and soul.

You were a goddess in my eyes.

I worshipped you without hesitation.

I believed in you with determination,

When I should’ve known that you were a false idol.

I never had a chance,

I was lost in your trance.

I was hypnotized by your physical beauty.

I fantasized about you,

When I knew that I should’ve kept my distance.

But you would not allow it.

You depended on me.

You told me I was a comfort for you.

You told me I was reassurance for you.

You told me I was an angel to you.

You told me I was the sweetest and kindest to you.

You told me I was somebody that you could count on.

You told me I was so much for you,

Yet you were so little for me.

You were never going to let me go.

You intended to keep me as your prisoner,

But I longed for freedom.

It was tiring and exhausting to be with you.

I had to give you so much,

And you were content in giving me so little.

That was never going to change.

You envisioned a future with me.

You had these big plans and dreams for us,

But they were not meant to be.

Disappointments, heartache and hurt was our future.

You tried to tell me that things would get better between us.

You tried to tell me that you were going to change.

At that point,

I knew that they were just mere words.

I could finally tell.

You did not mean any of those words you spoke to me.

They were just lies to keep me under your spell.

I had a chance at love with you,

But I knew that it was not going to be real love.

It would have been an illusion with you.

I even had this delusion that you loved me in your own way.

Maybe I just needed to take a chance with you

And hope you would change in time.

Sadly, I could not trust in chance and hope.

I had to trust the evidence.

I had to let you go.

 

Dying Too Soon

I fear that death is around the corner, but you try to assure me that I’ll be fine

Can I really trust you?

I’m not sure anymore.

Madness is creeping over my shoulders.

Darkness is facing me with a smile on its face.

Where are you at though?

Thou is everywhere, but thou is nowhere in my sight.

Maybe I’m too lost in my own thoughts.

Maybe my mind is playing evil tricks on me that I know not of.

Then again, how close am I to death?

Can you give me an answer?

Or is your silence the only answer you can give me right now?

I’m in a place that I don’t even recognize.

It’s a place that I never expected to be in but I knew of it.

How did I end up here?

I thought I did everything right, but I was wrong.

I didn’t do enough for you or even myself.

Now, my regrets torture and plague my dying soul.

I need you right now, but you’re still silent.

Death has me in my grasp, but you remain silent.

The footsteps of death itself are deafening.

There’s nowhere else for me to go.

All I can do is wait for death to introduce itself to me.

Please don’t let me die right now.

I’m not ready for what comes after.

You know that, right?

You have to know that.

Please, I need you right now.

Give me a chance to make things right in this world

Please, you have to understand.

I am dying too soon.

No One Like You

When I’m with other girls, I think about you.
I compare you to them, and I’m disappointed with the results.
I wonder why they can’t be like you?
Why they can’t put my mind at ease like you can?
Why they can’t hold me like you can?
Why they can’t kiss me like you can?
Why is it so hard with them, but it was easy with you?

I know that we didn’t fall in love, but we were close.
I remember that night in your room where love was patiently waiting for us.
I knew that if we took things further that night, love would be certain in our relationship.
You were all over me, and your kisses were different.
They wanted something more from me.
They wanted every part of my body, and they were hard to resist.

The taste of your lips was irresistible to me.
I couldn’t stop sucking and licking them.
They were just like candy.
So sweet and so delicious.
They knew how to treat me right.
Why can’t other lips be like your lips?

We almost make love a reality, but I push you away at the last minute.
You understand, but you’re hurt.
How could I not give love a chance with you?
Sadly, I was bound to the fears and rules that shaped me.
God was so proud of me, but I was disappointed in myself.
I try to tell you that you did nothing wrong, but you don’t believe me.
Instead, you want me to leave.
I do as you wish and leave you alone.

How could I be so foolish with you?
How could I not take things further with you?
How could I not allow myself to fall in love with you?
I know I was young, but I could’ve done better.
That night with you always haunts me because you could’ve been the first girl I ever loved.

I fear that you were the one that was supposed to be my everything.
I fear that you were my one chance at love.
I fear that you will always be a nightmare.
I fear that no one will ever be like you.

The Death of You

It’s frightening that I have murder on my mind.
I have to remind myself that I’m justified in killing you.
Please understand that I don’t want to do this.
Killing you is my worst nightmare.
I’ve always loved you and everything you’ve done for me.
You’re the reason for my Shawshank Redemption.
You’re the reason for my motivation to fight.
You’re the reason for my dedication to life.
Nevertheless, I have to end you.

I rely on you way too much.
You have failed me countless times.
You’re an ally that I can no longer afford to have by my side.
We’ve lost too many battles together in this great war called life.
The enemy is destroying us at will from all angles, yet you tell me to be patient.
You tell me to stay optimistic for help will be on the way.
You tell me to trust in you, and I trust in you.

Years later, we’re still losing the battles that you said we could win.
And you’re still telling me the same things.
How long can I continue this never ending cycle of losing?
How long must I show goodness and mercy to all of my enemies?
How long can I tolerate you?

I’m sorry that it had to come to this.
I never expected this day to come.
I thought that we would always be together.
I thought that you would always be my strength.
I thought that you would always be the one to comfort me.
I thought, and I was wrong.

The thought of killing you is madness.
I don’t want to lose you.
I didn’t think I could ever lose you.
Like dreams, nightmares do come true, too.
At the same time, circumstances have changed.
Killing you is a necessary evil.

I’m sorry that I have to do this.
I’m sorry that I have to betray you.
I’m sorry that I have to abandon you.
I’m sorry that I have to crucify you.
I’m sorry that I have to murder you.
Please, forgive me.
Please forgive me for the death of you.

Losing You

I’ve lost my joy and passion in you.
How do I get you back into my life?
You used to be everything to me, but now you’re just barely a thought.
I miss having you in my life.

You’ve gotten me through the worst times in my life.
Now, I’m more lost without you.
Now, I’m more depressed without you.
Now, I’m more lonely without you.
Now, I’m more broken without you.

I pray that you can return to me.
I miss your ever so warm touch.
You gave me a feeling like no other.
No one could ever replace you because you mean the world to me.
You’re my best friend.
You’re a love like no other.
You’re my therapist that I can always count on in my darkest of days.

You’ve helped me in more ways than I can count.
How did I lose you?
Why are you no longer in my life?
I guess life is the answer to my question.
Life just complicated things between us.
Life just pushed us apart.
Life just took you away from me.

The agony is too much now.
Only you can help ease the pain.
Only you can help me release what needs to be released.
Please, tell me how can I get you back?

Losing you means something worse.
Losing you means a more terrible nightmare is in store for me.
Losing you means dreams can never be a reality for me.
Losing you means losing myself.

Silence in a Dark Place

I’m alone in the dark with nowhere to go.
I aimlessly run forward further into the darkness.
I long to find an ending.
I hope it’s of comfort and warmth, but I fear it will be an unfamiliar place.
A place of nightmares.
A place of suffering.
A place of terror.
A place of horror.
How could one survive such a place?
I pray for an answer, but I get no response.
God’s silence is deafening.

I’m running but to no purpose.
There’s nothing waiting for me but total darkness.
Yet, I still run, but I don’t know why.
I want to stop, but I can’t.
I’m coughing blood, and I start slowing down.
My body wants me to stop, but I can’t.
My spirit just keeps pushing me.

I start crying because I know what’s going to happen.
I know how my story’s going to end.
It will end with me not making to my destination.
It will end with me not knowing what I was running towards.
I wonder if I was even close.
Or was I too far away from the light at the end of this never-ending tunnel of darkness?
I pray to God again one last time for answer, but I get no response.
There’s only silence in a dark place.

The Complications of Love

I never been in love before, what’s it like?
I’d like to think that it’s sweet and rich like chocolate.
However, I also think that it’s like a bad fruit.
You take one bite, and it’s sweet at first.
But then the more you chew and swallow, you quickly realize it’s not quite right.
It’s bitter and sour, and it doesn’t taste like that first bite.
Are you supposed to continue eating the fruit with each bite being sweet then sour?
Or do you just throw the whole fruit away and find another fruit to eat?
I don’t know, but I’d like to find out for myself.

There are days that I want a little taste of love.
There are other days that I’m not too concerned about it.
Should I be concerned about it?
I fear that I need to be concerned.
I fear that love is a necessity in my life.
I fear that love is the only way to find happiness.
I fear that love is the only way to find meaning and purpose.

Why do people act like falling in love is easy?
It’s like an impossible test that I can never pass.
I’m always overthinking my answers.
I’m always picking the wrong answers.
I’m always spending too much time on one question.
I never have time to finish.

Why can’t I have more time?
Why can’t I put in more time and effort in this?
Why do I choose to procrastinate when it comes to love?
Why is this test so hard for me?
I long to pass a test that so many people pass with ease.

I truly want to know what love is, but it’s too complicated for me.
Sometimes I just want to give up and forget about it.
But I can’t because I’m too curious about it.
It’s allure and scent is too intoxicating and attractive to me.
At the same time, I know that I’m not ready for it.

The thought of being in love frightens me.
I panic every time I get close to being in love with someone.
I sabotage myself and ruin any chances I have because I’m scared.
I’m scared that love will change me.
I’m scared that love will hurt me in unimaginable ways.
I’m scared that love will blind me.
I’m scared that love will be a nightmare for me.
Honestly, I’m scared of the complications of love.

Lost and Forgotten

I wish that I could be better.
I pray every day to be better.
I wonder what’s taking God so long.
Why doesn’t He want to help me right now?
Why does He have to be so quiet, while everything around me is so loud and clear?

I guess it takes patience and time with God.
Also, what am I expecting Him to do?
To just magically make my troubles go away?
I don’t think it works like that.
I wish more than anything that it did though.
It would be so much easier for me.

God, I’m sorry that I’m struggling right now.
God, I’m sorry that I can’t lift the weight off my shoulders.
God, I’m sorry that I can only do so much.
God, I’m sorry that my spirit is weak.
God, I’m sorry for who I am right now.

How could I be going through this right now?
Now’s not a good time.
I’m broken, and I’m in desperate need of healing.

I can’t let people help me, especially those close to me.
They can’t see this side of me.
It’s shameful and disgusting.
I’m supposed to be this perfect image for them.
I have to be, otherwise who am I?
I’ll just hide the pain, the struggling and the hurt I’m feeling.
I’ll just pretend I’m fine because it’s the best thing to do for everyone.
I have to think about others, before I think about myself.

I want to be better, but I don’t think it’s possible.
I think I got a long, grueling road ahead of me.
Can I make it to the end of it?
I don’t know.
I hope I can, but I don’t think that’s enough.
Will God help me a little more?
I don’t know.
It just feels like I’m lost and forgotten.

This is the end of the poem “Lost and Forgotten.”

Be sure to like, share and comment your thoughts on this poem.

This weekend, I will be sharing and posting poetry dedicated to my little sister Shawna in honor of her birthday October 1.

I’ll Never Know

I found myself thinking about you today.
It’s hard to remember the good days that we had together.
Sadly, I can only remember our bad days.
I guess disappointment is stronger than happiness.
I want to remember the joy you gave me, I truly do.
However, I’m distracted by the pain you’re inflicting on me.
When will it end?

I wish we had more good days together.
I wish that you knew that it’s not too late to make a change.
I wish that we could have a life together.
Sadly, it’s not possible because you don’t believe nothing’s wrong with you.
You believe that you’re perfect just the way you are.
It’s the world that’s the problem, right?
It’s the world that caused you to never learn.
It’s the world that caused you to make the mistakes that you made.
It’s the world that caused you to be who you are.
How can you change when the world is against you?

When I was young, I thought you were the best thing in my life.
I was so proud and unashamed to have you in my life.
I didn’t care what others said about you.
I only cared about what you thought about yourself.
You sold yourself well to me like a used cars salesman.
You told me what I wanted to hear.
You showed me what I wanted to see.
However, you didn’t give me what I needed.
Why couldn’t you be honest with me?
Why did I have to find out the truth about you the hard way?

I tried to keep my faith strong in you, but it was a struggle.
I was constantly disappointed by the lies you masked as truth.
Years and years passed, and I could no longer see you anymore.
I saw only a stranger that so many people knew.
Why did it take me so long to see your true colors?
Why didn’t I see it sooner?
How could you not be who I wanted you to be?

It hurts that I have to distance myself from you, but it’s a necessity.
You bring out the worst in me, don’t you see?
No, you’ll never see that.
You’ll only see what you want to see.
You’ll only believe that you’re the best thing for me right now.
I’m doing so great without you, can’t you be happy for me?
Or do you need all the praise, honor and glory for your own selfish desires?
Why can’t you see what others and I see in you so clearly?
I fear I’ll never know.

This is the end of the poem “I’ll Never Know.”
In honor of my Grandma Mollie’s birthday this week August 21, all writings this week will be dedicated to her. On Tuesday, I will be posting “Movies with Grandma.” On Thursday, I will be posting “Getting Too Greedy.” Then, I will be posting two poems about my awesome, loving grandma on Saturday and Sunday.

Wake Up

There’s no one to blame but myself.
I can’t make anymore excuses anymore.
I have to own up to the person I’ve become.
I’ve become someone that I’m not.
I’ve become someone that I’ve always dreaded.
I’ve become someone that I’m not proud of.

I lost my way.
I long for a cure, but my disease is worse than cancer.
I fear that there is no cure.
I fear that nothing can save me.
I don’t even know who I am anymore.
I don’t even recognize him anymore.

I can’t stand who I see in the mirror.
He doesn’t represent who I am.
I’m capable of being so much more than him.
How did I become him?

I guess it started with the attraction of relaxation.
However, it quickly turned into an addiction to laziness.
Why couldn’t I fight its allure?
Why was it so intoxicating to me?
I guess I was tired of the same old, same old and wanted something new.
I guess I wanted something good for the moment.
I guess I was tired of something lasting and filling.

I want God to bless me out of my struggle, but I don’t think I’m deserving of a blessing.
I don’t know what I’ve done lately to earn a blessing.
I’ve just been in my own little world.
He’s just not in it.
I mean, He visits me every now and then, but I don’t let Him stay with me too long.
He’s not a permanent resident in my cheap apartment.

I miss being with Him.
I thought I could be on my own, but I need Him.
I need His house, His love, His protection, His care.
I need it now more than ever.
God, I’m sorry that I’m haven’t been the person you destined me to be.
I pray that it’s not too late to make that change.
I pray that I can earn the blessing or blessings that you have in my life.
Please, tell me that you still love me.
Please, tell me that I’m still worthy.

I’m lost in my own world.
I’m comfortable sleeping my life away.
I want to wake up, but I’m too tired and not willing to wake up.
Please, can someone tell me the time of dreaming is over?
Please, can someone tell me the time of sleeping is over?
Please, can someone tell me the time of laziness is over?
Please, can someone tell me the time of waiting for an answer is over?
Please, can someone tell me that it’s time to wake up?

This is the end of the poem “Wake Up.”

Be sure to like, share and comment your thoughts on this poem.

On Tuesday, I will be sharing the short story “Checking Out A Scared, Black Woman” on the Warfield Zone.

My Worst Nightmare

Why do the days have to be so long with you?
Are you ever gonna give me a break?
Are we ever gonna stop fighting with each other?
Are you ever gonna let me open myself up to others?
Are you always gonna force me into isolation?
Please, I have to know.

I’m trying so hard to make things work with you, but it’s impossible.
You have to have your way because of who you are.
I just want to be happy for once.
Why can’t you let me experience that?
I heard happiness was a special feeling, but I wouldn’t know thanks to you.
Happiness is only a flower that I can never hold.
I can only see its beauty planted from a distance.

I pray to God every day to get rid of you, but you’re still here.
I read the Bible every day to find ways to fight you, but you’re still here.
What more can I do?
How come God and the Bible ain’t enough to fight you?
What more do I need for deliverance from you?

I think about asking others for help, but I’m hesitant.
I don’t want people knowing about you.
I don’t want people associating you with me.
I don’t want people questioning how you’re with me in the first place.
I don’t want people looking at me differently.
I don’t want people discovering how weak I am because of you
I don’t want people learning who I am because of you.

You hold all the power over me.
I fear that you’ll get the best of me.
I’m tired of fighting, and I just want to let you win.
Because you are my worst nightmare.

This is the end of the poem “My Worst Nightmare.”
Be sure to like, share and comment your thoughts on this poem.
This week, I will be posting two short stories. On Tuesday, I will be posting and sharing the short story “Preferences.” On Thursday, I will be posting and sharing the short story “A Terrible Wingman.”

You Can Do Better Than Me

Sometimes it feels like I’m a burden in your life.
Sometimes it feels like I’m a bump in your road.
Sometimes it feels like I’m a crack in your mirror.
Sometimes it feels like I’m a spot on your body.
Sometimes it feels like I’m a meaningless cliché to you.
Sometimes it feels like we don’t belong.

I try to ignore these feelings, but I can’t.
They’re too loud with their cries to ignore.
I know you don’t need me, but I’m worried that I need you.
I need you to tell me that I’m not a disappointment but a gift to you.
I need you to assure me that there’s no reason to be worried.
I hope you can give me what I need, but I fear that you can’t.

I want to be honest with you, but I worry that it’s an inconvenience to you.
How could I get in the way of your happiness?
How could I not see that you’re killing it in life right now?
How could I get in the way of your success?
Who am I to do such a terrible thing to you?
It’s selfish of me to tell you how I feel.
You need to worry about yourself, not about me and my insecurities.
After all, I’m the only one that can save myself.

You truly are amazing, and I’m so thankful to have you in my life.
However, I feel like I have to let you go.
You deserve someone better than me.
You deserve someone that has more worth to you than me.
You deserve the best that God can bless you with.
I feel like I’m the worst, and you can do better than me.

My Sweet Poison

I don’t know why I’m thinking about you right now.
I guess I miss you and hope you’re doing good.
Do you remember the times we had?
I remember them on my loneliest of days.
I miss them with a passion.
I wish we could have those times back once more.
I wish like Stevie Wonder.
I remember how much you loved him, my Cherie amour.
It was always special listening to him with you.

There are so many things I still want to do to you.
I still want to admire you and never stop admiring you.
I still want to look at you and never stop looking at you.
I still want to hold you and never let you go.
I still want to love you and never stop loving you.
Sadly, it’s not possible.

We had to go our separate ways.
I know we loved each other, but we weren’t meant to be together.
We could only be a short-term relationship.
I knew this, but you never did.
You thought we were endgame.
You thought we were meant to have a long life together.
You had this beautiful fantasy for us that I wanted to believe in.
It was a sweet dream, but I could never dream or believe in it.
I was stuck in the harsh reality.

I want to forget about you, but I can’t.
You were the worst, but I can only see the good in you.
You were toxic, but you were sweet.
You are my sweet poison.

A Necessary Nightmare

I can’t stand what you do to me.
You deceive me into believing that I’m weak.
You blind me so that I won’t see the truth.
You manipulate me into being a coward.
You discourage me from being who I am.
You decide my fate and future in this world.

Why do you have so much power over me?
Why do I cower in your presence?
Why do you always want to limit my potential?
Why do you want control over my life?
Why do I allow you to have control over my life?
Why will you always be in my life?

It’s a constant fight with you.
Sometimes I win and sometimes you win.
I wonder when the fighting will be over, but it will never be over.
We’re destined to be at each other’s throats.
We’re destined to do this forever it seems.
We’re destined to do this till the day I die.

I hate that you’re in my life, but I’m thankful for you.
You make me and my faith in God stronger.
You’re in my life to push me towards success.
However, you’re also trying to push me towards my fears and failures.
You’re a dangerous, but necessary evil that I need in my life.
You are a necessary nightmare.

This is the end of the poem “A Necessary Nightmare.”

I will be posting another poem tomorrow on the Warfield Zone!

My Recurring Nightmare

Why do you always want to hurt me in the worst possible way?
What did I do to ever hurt you?
For years, I believed in you and me, and I didn’t care what others said about you.
They didn’t know you like I knew you.
That’s what I always said to myself, but I realize now that I was deceived.

You always promised me that you would change, but you never did.
Why?
False advertisement, I guess.
Why did you lie to me for years?
Why do you continue to lie to me, when I know the truth?
Is it just easier to hurt me with your lies?
Can you only lie to me?
Is lying to me the only thing you can do to me?
Or have your lies become your truth now?

How can I love you, when I’m too tired to?
I’m tired to giving you everything, while you give me nothing.
I’m sorry, but my love to you is conditional.
I remember when it was unconditional, but you proved to me that it wasn’t.

How can my love be unconditional when all I saw was your dark side?
How can my love be unconditional when all I saw was your addiction?
How can my love be unconditional when all I saw was your anger?
How can my love be unconditional when all I saw was your excuses?
How can my love be unconditional when all I saw was your hatred?
How can my love be unconditional when all I saw was your destruction?
How can my love to you be unconditional?

Why can’t you let me go?
Can’t you see that my life’s better without you?
Can’t you see that I’m happier without you?
No, you never will.
Nor will the world.

They tell me that I have to give you chance after chance because of who you are.
They tell me that I have to honor you because of who you are.
They tell me that you love me because of who you are.
They tell me that I have to forgive and forget because of who you are
They tell me that I have to have you in my life because of who you are.
They tell me that I have to turn the other cheek because of who you are.
Well, I must ask when is enough enough?
Please, I just want to be free from your grasp.
I want to enjoy a life without you.
Can’t the world understand that?

I can’t lie, I do genuinely love you.
Without you, I wouldn’t be here.
However, you’re the worst.
It hurts me to say that, but it’s the truth.
You bring out the worst in me, and I want no part of you in my life because you’re toxic.

I know you won’t see these words or care about them at all.
You’ll just consider this poem a lie to who you are.
In your eyes, you’re the best with no flaws.
You were just dealt a bad hand, and I have to understand that.
Sadly, I refuse to understand that truth of yours.

How long will this go on?
How long will you continue to blame the past?
How long will you continue to blame life for who you are?
How long will you continue to give me false hope?
How long will you continue to disappoint me?
How long will you continue to give me promises that you can’t keep?
How long will you continue to abandon me?
How long will you continue to deceive me?
How long will you continue to have no knowledge of who I am?
How long will you continue to be my recurring nightmare?

This is the end of the poem “My Recurring Nightmare” in the Nightmares series. Be sure to like, share and comment your thoughts on this poem.

Tomorrow, I will be posting another poem on the Warfield Zone!

 

I Trust You More

I can’t get her out my head, and this bothers you.
You want me all to yourself, but I want something more.
You can’t give me what I need, and you don’t want to.
You don’t want to be what she is to me.

I adore you and appreciate everything you’ve done for me.
You’ve always been there for me.
You’ve always been loyal to me.
You’ve always been my protector.
You’ve always been my guide, but when do I stop relying on you?
I’m dying without her by my side.
It’s like I have cancer, and all you’re doing is giving me chemo therapy.

When are things gonna change?
When are you going to see that she’s the only medicine I need?
When are you gonna see that she can cure me?
When are you going to trust me?

I trust you, can’t you do the same for me?
No, you can’t, and I don’t blame you.
You’ve always been right, while I’ve always been wrong.
When I didn’t listen to you, I’ve gotten hurt in more ways than one.
You ensure that I’m safe by keeping people at a safe distance.
You assure me that I only need you because people will only hurt me.
You have my best interest at heart.
I can’t imagine being apart from you.
You’re my closest and only friend.
You tell me the less friends I have the better because all I need is you.

Nevertheless, I want her in my life, but you refuse.
You don’t even hear me out.
You just give me your answer.
You tell me to stay away from her.
You tell me to push her away.
You tell me to be patient.
You tell me to wait till I know more.
You tell me to wait for someone better, but who is better than her?

I know I need you, but I can’t keep depending on you.
I love you, and I’m thankful for everything you’ve done for me.
But I realize that I need to trust in her.
I need to believe that she won’t hurt me.
I need to believe that she’ll be there for me.
I need to believe that she’ll be the best thing in my life.
I need to believe that she’ll be better than you.
I need to trust what’s in my core a little more, but I can’t.
I trust you more.

 

Living Without You

I can’t get you out of my head.
Sometimes I wish you were dead to me, but I need you stay alive.
I need you like a junkie needs drugs.
I lie to myself and say you’re harmless and pure like water.
I also say that you’re a necessity and nourishment like food.
I just can’t live without you.
I can’t be without you.

You’re everything to me, but I would never say that out loud.
I know my parents wouldn’t be proud of that, let alone God.
You’re a curse to me, but also a blessing.
It’s kind of depressing.

I often find myself suppressing any way out from you because I’m scared.
I’m scared of a life that I can control.
I’m scared of having full ownership of my soul.
I’m scared of no longer living in fear.
I’m scared of leaning on God’s understanding.
I’m scared of learning how to grow without you.
I’m scared of knowing where to go without you.
I’m scared of living without you.

You kept me strong when I was weak, but I know that you’re wrong for me.
I can’t keep holding on to you.
I have to let you go, so that I can be true again and no longer live in sin.
I have to believe that God will be there for me.
However, I can’t believe it because I can’t see it.
I’m blind to salvation because of you.
You cover me with your evilness and darkness.
I’ve sadly grown accustomed to you.
How did this happen?
I want to say you forced yourself on to me, but that would be a lie.
It was curiosity.
I turned a blind eye to your insanity and welcomed your vanity.

I should’ve known your generosity would come with a cost.
Now, I’m lost with you by my side.
I shouldn’t have let my flesh be my guide.
I should have trusted in my heart.
I should have trusted in my mind.
I should have trusted in Jesus.
I should have trusted in God.
Now, I’m stuck trusting in you and your wickedness.
Now, I can’t imagine living without you.

Thank you for reading “Living Without You,” a poem in the Nightmare series. Be sure to like, share and comment your thoughts on this poem.
Next week, I will be posting part one of a four-part series titled “The Philadelphia Girl” on Tuesday. Then, I will be posting part two on Thursday.

You Will Never Know

I can’t help but miss you.
I don’t know what I did or didn’t do wrong.
All I know is I long for us to be close again, but nothing remains between us.
We put on a front by showing each other fake love in front of others.
But we know the truth.
We know that our love has run dried.
What did I do to hurt you?
Can I make things better between us?
Or has the damage already been done?

I remember the first time I saw you.
You gave me the purest smile ever, while I gave you my prettiest smile ever.
Was that fair to you?
I don’t know.
You seemed so sure about me.
You showed no fear, but I didn’t know.
We had just met.
How could you know how you felt about me?
Was it love at first sight?
Or was it something else?
I wish that I could ask you

We talk and instantly connect.
You make me smile and laugh so much.
And I do the same to you.
You tell me everything about, and I listen with enjoyment.
There’s something precious about you.
I can’t help but be jealous and envious about the pureness of your heart.
It’s something to cherish and behold.
Then, I wonder if I’ll corrupt you.
Because the blackness in my heart and my blood runs deep in my veins.
It’s toxic and infectious.
And all I can do is worry about you and how my venom will destroy you.
I just can’t do that to you, even though you could be the best thing in my life.
I think that I’ll be the worst thing in your life.
You deserve someone who is flawless, strong, kind, perfect and pure like you.
You don’t deserve someone like me.
You deserve only the best.

I remember how hard it was to resist you the more time we spent together.
I can’t help but give you pure smiles for your goodness, silliness and preciousness.
You make me happy on my worst days, and I can count on you to laugh.
You are perfect in every way.

You always want to know more about me, but I’m resistive.
I keep everything well-guarded in a prison under 24-hour surveillance.
However, you always want to find a way in.
You want to find a secret passage to me, but there isn’t one.
I have to be protective.
I have to keep my guard up because I don’t know what will happen if I let you in.
Maybe you can save me or maybe you’ll die in the process.
I can’t take that chance.
I can’t risk hurting you.

We end up drifting apart.
You keep your distance, and I don’t know why you do this.
You’re still cordial with me, but I know that you want nothing to do with me.
We don’t talk anymore like we used to do.
I can’t help but miss you.
Why did you stop being yourself with me?
Why do you only give me your prettiest smiles?
I only did what was best for you, anything more would have been futile.
You have to know that, right?

You will never know how sorry I am that I hurt you unintentionally.
Not a day goes by that I was I did things differently with you.
I was young, foolish and afraid to get hurt and to hurt you.
You will never know my personal demons or how they constantly haunt me to this day.
You will never know.

 

My Sweet Drug

You’re a special kind of drug
Not because of your potency or taste
But because you require me to do everything
I have to help you before you ever help me
But I can’t do everything for you
I need help too
But you don’t seem to care
To be fair, I don’t dare say that it’s all your fault
I’m the one that catered to you so much, when I knew that I shouldn’t have
As a result, you developed a habit to take advantage of me
Now you’ve become a savage that mutilates me and eats away the good inside of me
Why do you do this to me after everything I’ve done for you?
You humiliate and devastate me like it’s nothing
And I can’t take it anymore
I’m tired of this long, pointless war between us
It has to come to an end, doesn’t it?
Or do you enjoy the fight?
Do you enjoy taking the light that God created inside of me?
Do you enjoy creating in me a darkness that makes me more like you?
If so, shame on you
I can’t keep playing the same game over and over again and expect different results
It’s insanity
But you don’t mind because you’re psychotic
Within you is a demonic spirit
You crave innocence and purity like an alcoholic craves alcohol
You’re not good for me
You’re the worst, but I can’t push you away
I’m used to you now
I can’t imagine life without you
You give me a special kind of high that heroine and cocaine can never give me
You always disappoint me, but I always give you another chance because you can change
I know you can’t, but I think you can
False hope is a terrible symptom of yours
That’s worse than dope itself, but I can’t help it
I’m addicted to you
I can’t help but hate and love you
My sweet drug

 

 

 

The Impossible Treasure

You’re always with other people
You give them a smile on their faces
That can only make me sick and vile
Like a tortured prisoner, I need to know
Why are you there for other people but not for me?
Why are you afraid to get close to me but welcome other people?
To other people, you’re a delicate, beautiful rose
To me, I don’t know
You’re unknown like the universe
And I’m alone, I guess that’s my curse
Without having you in my life
You, the impossible treasure

I often wonder what it’s like to have you
I hear that you’re quite the motivator
You know, I could really use you right now
Since I’m alone and depressed like Darth Vader
But you don’t care
You don’t care that I’m losing my mind
You don’t care that I lost my pride
You don’t care that I want to commit suicide
You don’t care, you don’t care, you don’t care
You’re a monster
I hate you and people that have you
Because why can’t I have you?
What’s so wrong with me?
Am I not good enough for you?
Only few can have you?
You, the impossible treasure

 

 

My Future is My Nightmare

My future is coming soon
It’s waiting to come out of it’s cocoon
I hope it will be bright like a full moon
But I don’t know if that’s possible
Then again, it’s not impossible
If anything, it’s plausible and probable
That my future is set and inevitable
Still, I wish I knew my future
My worries are my sickness, and I need a cure
I need something to make me whole and pure
Who am I kidding, there is no cure
Only a nightmare

What will I be when I’m older?
Will I be bolder or colder?
Will I have my life in order?
Will I fulfill my purpose in life?
Will I have kids and a beautiful wife?
Will I be happy with my life?
Will I change the world?
Or will the world change me?
Will I live to see thirty?
Or will I be old enough to see ninety?
Will God be proud of me?
All these questions I have, I can no longer bear
Would anyone even care?
About my future, my nightmare?

I don’t like the uncertainty
Or the absurdity and deformity
Of my future
And I just want to be sure about my future
I need an answer and cure for my future
Why can’t I know?
Is my future a friend or a foe?
Forget it, I’ll never know
Who am I kidding?
My future wants to remain hidden
And there’s nothing I can do about it
I have to wait till I get hit with my future
Doesn’t seem legit
Should I give a fit?
About my future, my nightmare?

This is what I fear
I fear my future is near
Or perhaps it’s already here
But it’s not clear
I hope I can stop worrying about my future
I just wish I wasn’t unsure
About my future
I wish that I could not care
About my future, my nightmare