A Silly, Old Picture

I found a silly, old picture of myself.

It was taken years ago.

I looked so young.

I seemed so happy in this picture.

I also looked so silly.

Why did I close my eyes in this picture?

Actually, I did that a lot in pictures when I was younger.

It’s a shame.

I really do have some nice, light brown eyes.

I really had a lot of hair.

I can’t imagine myself with a lot of hair today.

Why did my parents decide to cut it?

I guess it would’ve been a lot to take care of it.

They had their own problems to deal with at that time.

They had some serious problems that they could never solve.

My hair was one less problem for them.

I really had a big smile in this picture.

I didn’t care that my teeth were all over the place.

It didn’t matter to me.

I just wanted to smile.

Why was it so easy to smile?

Now, it’s a little hard with my crooked smile.

I try to hide it at times because it doesn’t look right to me.

I got braces now to help with that problem.

Hopefully, I can have the perfect smile soon.

Life seemed so easy.

Life seemed so simple.

Life seemed like something else in this silly, old picture.

We Are Always Wrong

Throughout history, we have always been wrong in their eyes.

In times of slavery, we were wrong.

In times of Reconstruction, we were wrong.

In times of segregation, we were wrong.

In times of the Civil Rights Movement, we were wrong.

In times of marching, we were wrong.

In times of protesting, we were wrong.

In times of kneeling, we were wrong.

When will we ever be right in their eyes?

When will we ever get their support?

When will our anger, frustrations, disappointments and sadness be recognized in their eyes?

I fear we will never know.

I fear that we can never be right in their eyes.

So what should we do?

How can we please them with our actions?

How can we make them comfortable with our marching and protesting?

Honestly, there is no way to appease them.

They will always think we are wrong, but it honestly doesn’t matter what they think.

They have no right to tell us how to think or feel for our people.

They have no right to tell us how to march and protest for our people.

They have no right to tell us how to grieve for our people.

They have no right to tell us how to fight for our people.

They don’t own us anymore.

We are not their slaves anymore.

Too many black lives have been lost to racism and injustice in America.

Real change is necessary for our people.

Our anger and mourning are justified, don’t let them tell you otherwise.

Justice for our people must come soon.

I’m tired of them telling us to wait, to calm down and to be patient.

That time has long passed.

White Americans, Asian Americans, Pacific Island Americans, Italian Americans, Irish Americans, Hispanic Americans and Native Americans, we need your support against them.

Help us fight them and show them that black lives matter.

Who am I talking about?

Who are the “they” that I am talking about?

They are the ones with all the power in this country.

They are the ones that have evil and hatred in their hearts.

They are the ones that allow racism and discrimination to run this country.

They are the ones that turn a blind eye to injustice against people of color.

They are the ones that always change the subject when it comes to black lives and police brutality.

They are the ones that quickly tell us that all lives matter.

They are the ones that tell us to let things go.

They are the ones that tell us that they see no color.

They are the ones that tell us to shut up.

They are the ones that tell us that things are better for us now, and we should be grateful.

They are the ones that tell us that we’re wrong in how we peacefully protest.

They are the ones that tell us that we are always wrong.

My Conversation With God

Why do I pray to you every single day?

Is it because I’m required to?

Is it because I’m trying to get something I want that only you can give me?

Or is it for a specific reason?

Please, give me the answer.

Am I praying because religion requires it for me to get into Heaven?

Am I praying because I have to place my hopes, wishes and dreams in you?

Am I praying because it will help me fulfill a specific purpose in my life?

I don’t know, but I hope that I can find the answer for myself.

I’ve lost my faith in religion, I hope that doesn’t offend you.

It’s just that I recognized that I can’t rely on church to get me closer to you.

There are too many rules, politics, judgement and discrimination involved within the church that make it hard to get close to you.

Please forgive me when I say that church is not the gateway to you.

Instead, I think that it’s a dangerous tool.

However, I still want to use it but with caution.

But I recognize that it’s not the answer to you.

Only my faith and relationship with you is the answer.

I hope that you’re with everyone that I care about.

I hope that you’re with everyone that has hurt me in different ways.

I hope that you’re with everyone that needs you right now.

I hope that you can give them all the strength to fight the demons that they’re dealing with that I have knowledge and little knowledge about.

I hope and pray.

As our conversation is coming to an end, I want you to know that I love you with all my heart.

I’m not ashamed of having you in my life.

You’re the one thing that has helped me believe in myself.

You taught me that hard work, patience and dedication will lead to the miracles in my life.

I thank you for the strength you’ve given me to go get my blessings that you established in my life.

Thank you for all the things you have done in my life.

And thank you for this conversation.

No One Like You

When I’m with other girls, I think about you.

I compare you to them, and I’m disappointed with the results.

I wonder why they can’t be like you?

Why they can’t put my mind at ease like you can?

Why they can’t hold me like you can?

Why they can’t kiss me like you can?

Why is it so hard with them, but it was easy with you?

I know that we didn’t fall in love, but we were close.

I remember that night in your room where love was patiently waiting for us.

I knew that if we took things further that night, love would be certain in our relationship.

You were all over me, and your kisses were different.

They wanted something more from me.

They wanted every part of my body, and they were hard to resist.

The taste of your lips was irresistible to me.

I couldn’t stop sucking and licking them.

They were just like candy.

So sweet and so delicious.

They knew how to treat me right.

Why can’t other lips be like your lips?

We almost make love a reality, but I push you away at the last minute.

You understand, but you’re hurt.

How could I not give love a chance with you?

Sadly, I was bound to the fears and rules that shaped me.

God was so proud of me, but I was disappointed in myself.

I try to tell you that you did nothing wrong, but you don’t believe me.

Instead, you want me to leave.

I do as you wish and leave you alone.

How could I be so foolish with you?

How could I not take things further with you?

How could I not allow myself to fall in love with you?

I know I was young, but I could’ve done better.

That night with you always haunts me because you could’ve been the first girl I ever loved.

I fear that you were the one that was supposed to be my everything.

I fear that you were my one chance at love.

I fear that you will always be a nightmare.

I fear that no one will ever be like you.

The Death of You

It’s frightening that I have murder on my mind.

I have to remind myself that I’m justified in killing you.

Please understand that I don’t want to do this.

Killing you is my worst nightmare.

I’ve always loved you and everything you’ve done for me.

You’re the reason for my Shawshank Redemption.

You’re the reason for my motivation to fight.

You’re the reason for my dedication to life.

Nevertheless, I have to end you.

I rely on you way too much.

You have failed me countless times.

You’re an ally that I can no longer afford to have by my side.

We’ve lost too many battles together in this great war called life.

The enemy is destroying us at will from all angles, yet you tell me to be patient.

You tell me to stay optimistic for help will be on the way.

You tell me to trust in you, and I trust in you.

Years later, we’re still losing the battles that you said we could win.

And you’re still telling me the same things.

How long can I continue this never ending cycle of losing?

How long must I show goodness and mercy to all of my enemies?

How long can I tolerate you?

I’m sorry that it had to come to this.

I never expected this day to come.

I thought that we would always be together.

I thought that you would always be my strength.

I thought that you would always be the one to comfort me.

I thought, and I was wrong.

The thought of killing you is madness.

I don’t want to lose you.

I didn’t think I could ever lose you.

Like dreams, nightmares do come true, too.

At the same time, circumstances have changed.

Killing you is a necessary evil.

I’m sorry that I have to do this.

I’m sorry that I have to betray you.

I’m sorry that I have to abandon you.

I’m sorry that I have to crucify you.

I’m sorry that I have to murder you.

Please, forgive me.

Please forgive me for the death of you.

Please Forgive Me

I’m glad that you’re back in my life again.

I’ve missed you so much.

I hated that there was a division between us.

I hated the wall between us.

I longed for your warm touch.

Ironically, it wasn’t that big of a wall.

It was a little wall that was easy to step over.

It’s crazy that I didn’t have to jump over it.

I just had to will myself to the wall.

Sadly, that was easier said than done.

There was something in me that never existed before.

It was doubt about you.

I had doubt about us.

I didn’t know if we could be together.

I thought that maybe it was a mistake to have you in my life.

I thought that I didn’t deserve someone like you.

I thought that I wasn’t worthy of you.

I thought that we couldn’t go the distance.

I’m glad that we have each other again.

I’m glad that I could finally will myself over that small wall between us.

Thank you for your patience and kindness with me.

I promise to always keep you close to my heart.

Life may have gotten crazy, but it was no excuse to push you away from me.

You’re a part of who I am, and I love who I am when I’m with you.

I’ll hold on to you as long as I can.

Please forgive me for abandoning you.

Please forgive me.

Losing You

I’ve lost my joy and passion in you.

How do I get you back into my life?

You used to be everything to me, but now you’re just barely a thought.

I miss having you in my life.

You’ve gotten me through the worst times in my life.

Now, I’m more lost without you.

Now, I’m more depressed without you.

Now, I’m more lonely without you.

Now, I’m more broken without you.

I pray that you can return to me.

I miss your ever so warm touch.

You gave me a feeling like no other.

No one could ever replace you because you mean the world to me.

You’re my best friend.

You’re a love like no other.

You’re my therapist that I can always count on in my darkest of days.

You’ve helped me in more ways than I can count.

How did I lose you?

Why are you no longer in my life?

I guess life is the answer to my question.

Life just complicated things between us.

Life just pushed us apart.

Life just took you away from me.

The agony is too much now.

Only you can help ease the pain.

Only you can help me release what needs to be released.

Please, tell me how can I get you back?

Losing you means something worse.

Losing you means a more terrible nightmare is in store for me.

Losing you means dreams can never be a reality for me.

Losing you means losing myself.

Silence in a Dark Place

I’m alone in the dark with nowhere to go.

I aimlessly run forward further into the darkness.

I long to find an ending.

I hope it’s of comfort and warmth, but I fear it will be an unfamiliar place.

A place of nightmares.

A place of suffering.

A place of terror.

A place of horror.

How could one survive such a place?

I pray for an answer, but I get no response.

God’s silence is deafening.

I’m running but to no purpose.

There’s nothing waiting for me but total darkness.

Yet, I still run, but I don’t know why.

I want to stop, but I can’t.

I’m coughing blood, and I start slowing down.

My body wants me to stop, but I can’t.

My spirit just keeps pushing me.

I start crying because I know what’s going to happen.

I know how my story’s going to end.

It will end with me not making to my destination.

It will end with me not knowing what I was running towards.

I wonder if I was even close.

Or was I too far away from the light at the end of this never-ending tunnel of darkness?

I pray to God again one last time for answer, but I get no response.

There’s only silence in a dark place.

Shawna-Mama

For years, you have been such a blessing to me.

I’m so thankful and blessed to have you in my heart for so long.

I’ll always love your random hugs and kisses you give me.

They’re just right, and they’re the most natural.

They just mean so much to me.

They uplift me, and they let me know that I am good enough for you.

Sometimes it’s easy to talk to you, while other times are a struggle.

It just depends on the topic.

We argue and fight like crazy, but we also laugh and talk like crazy.

There are days that I don’t understand you, but there are days that we are in sync.

We have our good and bad days, but I know we have better days ahead of us.

We can be inconsistent, but our love for each other will always be consistent.

I want to protect you from this world.

I don’t want it to burn out the bright light you have in your heart.

I pray that you’re strong enough to fight this world.

I pray that you find happiness.

I pray that you discover success in the most unimaginable places.

I pray that you accomplish all your goals in life.

I pray that we will always be close.

You’re gonna be so amazing in this world.

There’s no reason for me to worry about you at all.

It’s been such an honor being your big brother.

You taught me so much as a big brother, and I don’t know how to repay you.

I can probably repay you with some Flamin’ Hot Fries.

There’s so much time that we have together, and I’m excited for our journey together.

You’re my sister that I’ll always hold onto.

I love you so much, Shawna-Mama.

This is the end of the poem “Shawna-Mama.”

Be sure to like, share and comment your thoughts on this poem dedicated to my little sister Shawna. I love you so much Shawna-mama and hope you have a great birthday Oct. 1. It’s been such an amazing experience being your big brother, and I can’t wait to see where life takes as you’re getting older.

This week, I will be posting and sharing two short stories. On Tuesday, I will be sharing and posting the short story “Another Petty-ish Moment.” On Thursday, I will be sharing and posting the short story “Preferences: Part Two.”

Next week, I will finally be posting and sharing the six-part horror story “The White Mask” in the Dark Colors series.

Lost and Forgotten

I wish that I could be better.

I pray every day to be better.

I wonder what’s taking God so long.

Why doesn’t He want to help me right now?

Why does He have to be so quiet, while everything around me is so loud and clear?

I guess it takes patience and time with God.

Also, what am I expecting Him to do?

To just magically make my troubles go away?

I don’t think it works like that.

I wish more than anything that it did though.

It would be so much easier for me.

God, I’m sorry that I’m struggling right now.

God, I’m sorry that I can’t lift the weight off my shoulders.

God, I’m sorry that I can only do so much.

God, I’m sorry that my spirit is weak.

God, I’m sorry for who I am right now.

How could be going through this right now?

Now’s not a good time.

I’m broken, and I’m in desperate need of healing.

I can’t let people help me, especially those close to me.

They can’t see this side of me.

It’s shameful and disgusting.

I’m supposed to be this perfect image for them.

I have to be, otherwise who am I?

I’ll just hide the pain, the struggling and the hurt I’m feeling.

I’ll just pretend I’m fine because it’s the best thing to do for everyone.

I have to think about others, before I think about myself.

I want to be better, but I don’t think it’s possible.

I think I got a long, grueling road ahead of me.

Can I make it to the end of it?

I don’t know.

I hope I can, but I don’t think that’s enough.

Will God help me a little more?

I don’t know.

It just feels like I’m lost and forgotten.

This is the end of the poem “Lost and Forgotten.”

Be sure to like, share and comment your thoughts on this poem.

This weekend, I will be sharing and posting poetry dedicated to my little sister Shawna in honor of her birthday October 1.