The Death of You

It’s frightening that I have murder on my mind.

I have to remind myself that I’m justified in killing you.

Please understand that I don’t want to do this.

Killing you is my worst nightmare.

I’ve always loved you and everything you’ve done for me.

You’re the reason for my Shawshank Redemption.

You’re the reason for my motivation to fight.

You’re the reason for my dedication to life.

Nevertheless, I have to end you.

 

I rely on you way too much.

You have failed me countless times.

You’re an ally that I can no longer afford to have by my side.

We’ve lost too many battles together in this great war called life.

The enemy is destroying us at will from all angles, yet you tell me to be patient.

You tell me to stay optimistic for help will be on the way.

You tell me to trust in you, and I trust in you.

 

Years later, we’re still losing the battles that you said we could win.

And you’re still telling me the same things.

How long can I continue this never ending cycle of losing?

How long must I show goodness and mercy to all of my enemies?

How long can I tolerate you?

 

I’m sorry that it had to come to this.

I never expected this day to come.

I thought that we would always be together.

I thought that you would always be my strength.

I thought that you would always be the one to comfort me.

I thought, and I was wrong.

 

The thought of killing you is madness.

I don’t want to lose you.

I didn’t think I could ever lose you.

Like dreams, nightmares do come true, too.

At the same time, circumstances have changed.

Killing you is a necessary evil.

 

I’m sorry that I have to do this.

I’m sorry that I have to betray you.

I’m sorry that I have to abandon you.

I’m sorry that I have to crucify you.

I’m sorry that I have to murder you.

Please, forgive me.

Please forgive me for the death of you.

 

 

 

 

 

Getting Condoms With A Friend

Last summer, my friend Marvin and I were working out at Planet Fitness. It was a Thursday, around 8:30 when we met up at the gym. We ran on the tread mill, worked on our stomach and arms. We ended up being done at 10:00. After we’re done working out, I remembered that I needed to get some water and bread from Walmart. I asked Marvin if he wanted to come to Walmart with me, and he said yeah sure. As we were walking to our cars, I joked, “Hey Marvin, while we’re at Walmart we should get some condoms.”

I laughed at my comment, and Marvin had this confused look on his face. He looked at me and said, “Oh my God, Isaiah. Why would we get condoms? There’s no reason for us to get condoms, bro.”

We both started chuckling, and I said, “You’re right, there’s no reason for us to get condoms. After all, I have so many anyways.”

Marvin stopped walking. I looked at him, and he had this shocked look on his face. I started laughing like crazy at his face, and he was yelling that this was not a laughing matter. He wanted an explanation. So, I chuckled and explained, “Yeah man, I got two in my wallet, four in my backpack, two in my jacket and two in my car. I may have a few at home, too. Other than that, I don’t have that many.”

Marvin exclaimed, “Oh my God, Isaiah. Why do you have so many condoms? There’s no reason for you to have that many condoms, considering you’re…you know…a…um…a…

“A what? Come on, say it with your chest. Don’t be scared,” I interrupted.

Marvin nervously said, “You’re…you know…a…um…virgin. And there’s nothing wrong…

“I know that there’s nothing wrong with being a virgin, thank you very much. Do you know how many girls have been trying to get with this irresistible, caramel body? I’m thankful and blessed to be a virgin, it’s nothing that I’m ashamed or embarrassed about, and you shouldn’t be either,” I said.

Marvin chuckled and said that I was right. Then, we went back to talking about me having condom. Marvin asked for proof of condoms that I had. I said okay, and I showed the two condoms in my wallet and the two in my jacket. Then, we went to my car, and I showed him the two condoms in my car. Unfortunately, I didn’t have my backpack and jacket with me, but the condoms that Marvin saw were enough evidence to him. He had this horrified look on his face, and he said, “Oh my God, Isaiah. Why do you have condoms in the first place? Are you talking to someone that I don’t know about or something, bro?”

I laughed and said, “Nah man, I ain’t talking to nobody. I mean, I hung out with that one girl and nothing crazy happened. I just have condoms for protection, and it’s nice to have them because you never know.”

“Oh my God, Isaiah. Wait, are you still trying to wait till marriage?” Marvin asked.

I told him that I was still trying, then he said, “Then, aren’t you more likely to have sex with a girl if you have a condom with you?”

I laughed and replied, “No because having a condom is like an emergency break for a car. You’re never gonna use it, but it’s good to have it with you. You’ll only use it in case of an emergency.”

Marvin didn’t understand my argument, and we kept going back and forth about me having a condom. We argued for five minutes, until we decided to agree to disagree. Then, I smiled and added, “Well, I think you should get some condoms at Walmart.”

Marvin asked why he would do such a thing. I said, “Well, aren’t you going to visit your girlfriend in Virginia this weekend? You don’t want to be unprepared when she’s ready to get it on and all.”

Marvin blushed and said, “Oh my God, Isaiah. You honestly think that me and Mary are gonna do it?

I chuckled and said, “Oh yeah, it’s very possible. I’m like 80% sure that y’all are gonna do it. You two haven’t seen each other in months, and it just wouldn’t surprise me if y’all did anything.”

He agreed with me, and I told him that it honestly wouldn’t hurt to get some condoms. Then, he looked at me and wondered if maybe he should try to wait like me. The thought of having sex made him nervous. He didn’t know if he was ready or prepared for something like that. I laughed and said, “Relax man. You’ll be fine. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t. You just gotta go with the flow man. You love her, right?”

Marvin nodded his head, I shrugged my shoulders and said, “Well then, it wouldn’t hurt to be prepared just in case something does happen.”

My friend understood exactly what I was saying. We talked a little bit more, and we ended up walking to our cars and heading to Walmart.

When we made it to Walmart, we went in the grocery section, so that I could get some water and bread. After I got those things, Marvin and I headed to the other side of Walmart to get some condoms. As we were getting closer to the treasure, I noticed that Marvin was getting a little nervous. I asked him what was wrong, and he said, “It just feels weird getting condoms at Walmart. Like what if somebody sees us?”

I laughed and dramatically said, “Now that I think about it, we are very, very bad boys right now for getting condoms. I mean, these people in Walmart, who probably aren’t virgins themselves, will probably look at us with judgment and disgust. Why, they’ll be thinking to themselves, ‘Those boys are nasty. Getting condoms to have safe, protected sex. It makes me sick. How dare they consider it. Fornication makes me sick. Lord, please forgive these sinners for even considering getting condoms. I beg of you, Lord Jesus. I cannot believe what I am seeing with my unclean eyes. I am appalled at these heathens.'”

“Oh my God, Isaiah,” Marvin laughed.

Then, I continued, “Yeah, they just need to wait till marriage. That’s all they need to do. I mean, I didn’t do it, it was hard for me. It was a struggle, but they can’t know that it was hard for me too. They just need to know that it’s expected of them, and they can surely do it. They don’t need no condoms at all until they are married to their wife. And if one of them do decide to fornicate and shame a girl, well then she’ll just end up pregnant and it will be all a part of your plan, God, for his life.”

“Oh my God, Isaiah. You’re so dramatic,” Marvin said.

I laughed and said, “Of course I am. But look man, I promise you that these people in Walmart don’t care what’s going on with us. And it’s normal and responsible of us to get condoms. It’s nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about, I promise you.”

Marvin appreciated my words, and he admitted to me that there was some fears he had in regards to religion and how they would view it. I replied, “Look man, I wish the church would be more helpful in these situations. I wish that they were more open and honest with the young people that are confused about their sexual desires. I wish the church would be willing to educate and help those that are confused about sex, but they don’t want to deal with that in an effective way. They want to continue to do what they’re doing, even though it’s clearly not working because it’s the way it must be according to the elders. This old-school mentality to just abstain from sex and fear fornication when it’s clearly not working. You still have people in the church getting pregnant left and right because you’re afraid and uncomfortable to have an open dialogue about sex.”

“Oh my God, Isaiah. You’re right, it’s up to us to really be responsible,” Marvin said.

I nodded my head and said, “Yeah man, you just need to get some condoms because you never know what’s going to happen. You could easily have sex with Mary or maybe nothing’s going to happen, but it’s good to be prepared and responsible with some condoms. If you do end up having sex without any condoms, and she ends up pregnant, then your life is going to change completely. Why take that risk? Just get some condoms man for protection.”

Marvin appreciated my words of wisdom and thanked me for them. Then, he was ready to go to the condoms. We looked at different condoms from Skyn, Trojan, Magnums, Durex and others. Marvin ended up finding the right ones for himself, and we ended up checking our things out. Then, we headed out of Walmart.

When we made it outside, we headed to our cars with our things. As I was putting the water and bread in my car, there was a thought that came in my head. There was something important that I needed to tell Marvin. So, I rushed over to his car and yelled wait before he left. He got out of his car and asked what was wrong. Then, I said, “Make sure you practice putting the condoms on before seeing Mary.”

Marvin laughed and said, “Oh my God, Isaiah. Is that really necessary?”

“It’s absolutely necessary. You need to make sure you know how to secure that thing. Otherwise, it will be going all over the place. I’m just trying to help you out man,” I replied.

“Ok will do, bro. And thank you again for helping me out with this. I would’ve been lost without you,” he said.

I told him that it was no problem, and I was glad that I could help him out. As I walking away, Marvin asked me to wait. I turned around, and he asked, “Do you think that you’ll still be a virgin till marriage?”

I was surprised by this question, and I was surprised by my answer. I said, “I don’t really know man. I don’t know how I feel about waiting till marriage anymore. I remember that I was 15 years old when I got my purity ring, and I’m 22 years old now and I’m a different person now. I don’t have the same views like I did before, and I don’t know if I want to retain some of them. For right now, I don’t know anymore if I want to be a virgin till marriage.”

“Oh my God, Isaiah. My boy’s gonna have a little bit of the sex,” Marvin responded.

I laughed and said, “I don’t know about all that man. I mean, if I fall in love with a girl, then maybe I will. But again I don’t know man, it’s something that I need to think about. I mean, I don’t know if I want to be open for business for these ladies that have been waiting for me, and just give them everything they needed and wished for such a long time. But for a girl I love, maybe. It’s open to interpretation.”

This is the end of “Getting Condoms With a Friend.”

Happy Valentine’s Day to everyone, and I hope that people that are having a little bit of the sex tonight have protection.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pure Imagination, I Wish

This room? Although it was a small, cramped room,
You always managed to make it big and wondrous
Like Wonderland for time was all messed up,
Time had gone mad and jazz was the only thing that made sense.

I remember all the unnecessary papers
Stacked and spread around like skyscrapers in a city,
There was no room to explore this confined, yet marvelous city
That you designed.

As the sound of your saxophone went wild in this world,
I found myself in paradise.
As a young boy, I was exposed to a world of pure imagination,
I was lost, but I was not afraid.

A few years passed, a new sound entered this universe,
It was the sound of percussion.
I thought the loud drums didn’t belong,
It couldn’t compare to your loving saxophone.

When I became a young man, the drums and saxophone were in-sync,
And we were the kings,
Our empire was glorious as we ruled it together,
Sadly, kingdoms don’t last forever.

You got older and forgot this world,
It wasn’t your fault, it was a cruel disease that murdered your sweet mind
A mind that shared love, wisdom and strength to me,
Reduced to confusion and terror.

I wish those days together with you would come back once more,
I wish this room was more than a room again,
I wish we could create sweet music together once more,
Why did those days ever have to go?

This is the end of the poem.

This poem is dedicated to my late Grandpa Jerry. His birthday was on Friday, and I was debating if I really wanted to share this poem that’s personal to me. However, the untimely death of NBA legend Kobe Bryant changed my mind because this is a poem about cherishing the moments and times that we have with our loved ones and to live a life of love and happiness. We can’t press the rewind button on life, and we have to treat every day as if it was our last day on this earth. I had great, loving moments with my grandpa that I’ll never forget. I cherish all the days that we had together because they helped shape who I am. My grandpa showed me the strength of faith, the beauty of writing, the magic of music and so much more. I love my grandpa so much, and I just wish those days with him would come back once.

Please Forgive Me

I’m glad that you’re back in my life again.

I’ve missed you so much.

I hated that there was a division between us.

I hated the wall between us.

I longed for your warm touch.

Ironically, it wasn’t that big of a wall.

It was a little wall that was easy to step over.

It’s crazy that I didn’t have to jump over it.

I just had to will myself to the wall.

Sadly, that was easier said than done.

 

There was something in me that never existed before.

It was doubt about you.

I had doubt about us.

I didn’t know if we could be together.

I thought that maybe it was a mistake to have you in my life.

I thought that I didn’t deserve someone like you.

I thought that I wasn’t worthy of you.

I thought that we couldn’t go the distance.

 

I’m glad that we have each other again.

I’m glad that I could finally will myself over that small wall between us.

Thank you for your patience and kindness with me.

I promise to always keep you close to my heart.

Life may have gotten crazy, but it was no excuse to push you away from me.

You’re a part of who I am, and I love who I am when I’m with you.

I’ll hold on to you as long as I can.

Please forgive me for abandoning you.

Please forgive me.

 

Losing You

I’ve lost my joy and passion in you.

How do I get you back into my life?

You used to be everything to me, but now you’re just barely a thought.

I miss having you in my life.

 

You’ve gotten me through the worst times in my life.

Now, I’m more lost without you.

Now, I’m more depressed without you.

Now, I’m more lonely without you.

Now, I’m more broken without you.

 

I pray that you can return to me.

I miss your ever so warm touch.

You gave me a feeling like no other.

No one could ever replace you because you mean the world to me.

You’re my best friend.

You’re a love like no other.

You’re my therapist that I can always count on in my darkest of days.

 

You’ve helped me in more ways than I can count.

How did I lose you?

Why are you no longer in my life?

I guess life is the answer to my question.

Life just complicated things between us.

Life just pushed us apart.

Life just took you away from me.

 

The agony is too much now.

Only you can help ease the pain.

Only you can help me release what needs to be released.

Please, tell me how can I get you back?

 

Losing you means something worse.

Losing you means a more terrible nightmare is in store for me.

Losing you means dreams can never be a reality for me.

Losing you means losing myself.

Silence in a Dark Place

I’m alone in the dark with nowhere to go.

I aimlessly run forward further into the darkness.

I long to find an ending.

I hope it’s of comfort and warmth, but I fear it will be an unfamiliar place.

A place of nightmares.

A place of suffering.

A place of terror.

A place of horror.

How could one survive such a place?

I pray for an answer, but I get no response.

God’s silence is deafening.

 

I’m running but to no purpose.

There’s nothing waiting for me but total darkness.

Yet, I still run, but I don’t know why.

I want to stop, but I can’t.

I’m coughing blood, and I start slowing down.

My body wants me to stop, but I can’t.

My spirit just keeps pushing me.

 

I start crying because I know what’s going to happen.

I know how my story’s going to end.

It will end with me not making to my destination.

It will end with me not knowing what I was running towards.

I wonder if I was even close.

Or was I too far away from the light at the end of this never-ending tunnel of darkness?

I pray to God again one last time for answer, but I get no response.

There’s only silence in a dark place.

 

The Complications of Love

I never been in love before, what’s it like?

I’d like to think that it’s sweet and rich like chocolate.

However, I also think that it’s like a bad fruit.

You take one bite, and it’s sweet at first.

But then the more you chew and swallow, you quickly realize it’s not quite right.

It’s bitter and sour, and it doesn’t taste like that first bite.

Are you supposed to continue eating the fruit with each bite being sweet then sour?

Or do you just throw the whole fruit away and find another fruit to eat?

I don’t know, but I’d like to find out for myself.

 

There are days that I want a little taste of love.

There are other days that I’m not too concerned about it.

Should I be concerned about it?

I fear that I need to be concerned.

I fear that love is a necessity in my life.

I fear that love is the only way to find happiness.

I fear that love is the only way to find meaning and purpose.

 

Why do people act like falling in love is easy?

It’s like an impossible test that I can never pass.

I’m always overthinking my answers.

I’m always picking the wrong answers.

I’m always spending too much time on one question.

I never have time to finish.

 

Why can’t I have more time?

Why can’t I put in more time and effort in this?

Why do I choose to procrastinate when it comes to love?

Why is this test so hard for me?

I long to pass a test that so many people pass with ease.

 

I truly want to know what love is, but it’s too complicated for me.

Sometimes I just want to give up and forget about it.

But I can’t because I’m too curious about it.

It’s allure and scent is too intoxicating and attractive to me.

At the same time, I know that I’m not ready for it.

 

The thought of being in love frightens me.

I panic every time I get close to being in love with someone.

I sabotage myself and ruin any chances I have because I’m scared.

I’m scared that love will change me.

I’m scared that love will hurt me in unimaginable ways.

I’m scared that love will blind me.

I’m scared that love will be a nightmare for me.

Honestly, I’m scared of the complications of love.