Today is a Hard Day

Today is just hard for me,

I hope I’m doing alright,

I hope this is just a rare day,

That is just all too familiar for me.

I hope I’m doing everything right,

I wish I could know for sure,

I hate having doubt,

I hate that I can’t believe in myself.

Will I always hate myself?

Why can’t I love myself?

Why is it a struggle to stay positive?

I guess if it was easy,

Everyone could do it.

I’m trying to do my best,

I’m trying not to worry so much,

But I can’t help it.

Worry creeps in my mind,

Doubt keeps me up at night,

Fear sleeps with me every night.

I thought I was doing better,

I thought I was over days like this one,

Today is not a good day for me,

Today I’m feeling like the old me,

Today I’m realizing a hard truth,

Today I’m having a hard day.

Am I a Consistent Writer?

I wish I could write more,

I write every day,

But there are days that I struggle to write,

There are days that I write so little,

There are days that I don’t feel like a writer,

Because I write so little,

I love the days that I write so much,

I love seeing full pages of my words,

It shows that I’m doing a lot,

It shows that I’m really a writer, right?

I can’t stand writing only a few lines,

Or even half a page.

I’m supposed to write pages and pages on a daily basis, right?

I’m glad I write every day,

But does that show my consistency as a writer?

Can I honestly say that I’m a consistent writer?

New Pages

I can’t keep writing on the same pages,

I’m running out of space,

And I can’t write as big as I used to.

I need to move on,

I need to let go of these pages,

And write in something new.

A new notebook would get the job done,

More pages means more freedom,

But I can’t let go of these pages,

I’ve put in years for these pages,

There’s so much content in these pages,

I can’t help but smile

Every time I go back to these old pages.

How could I just start over?

How could I just write in an empty notebook?

Am I really ready for a new beginning?

Or can I still hold on to these old pages just a little longer?

Unfortunately, I don’t have a choice.

Change is inevitable,

Change will always come,

It can either be welcomed or come unannounced

Do I delay the inevitable,

Or should I welcome new pages?

Remembering the Good Times

I’m missing you a lot today,

I’m remembering the last time I saw you,

And it wasn’t the best experience,

You were unrecognizable,

You were breaking my heart,

You were a broken, confused version of yourself,

But it wasn’t your fault,

It was a cruel disease that murdered your sweet mind.

It was such a shame.

You had such a beautiful mind and heart,

And you were always willing to share it with me.

You shared love, wisdom and strength to me.

It was hard watching you disappear.

It’s hard not to think about you at your lowest,

But I’m trying my best to remember you at your best.

I’m trying to forget about the bad times,

I’m trying to remember the good times.

A Foggy Path

I remember walking through a foggy path,

I was not sure if I was ever going to make it to my destination,

Nothing was clear to me,

There was only fog surrounding me,

I didn’t know how far away I was from reaching the end,

I didn’t even know if I was on the right path,

But I had no choice,

All I could do was move forward.

I wanted to regress,

And forget about my destination.

But then going back scared me even more,

I didn’t want to go back to where I was,

It was a terrible place,

And it was even scarier than the foggy path,

I could see clearly the environment I hated with a passion,

I was depressed and struggling to find happiness,

At least on the foggy path,

I couldn’t see what was surrounding me,

There were only two options,

All I could do was focus on one of them,

I despised the first option,

And chose the second option every single day,

Because I wanted to progress.

After so much time passed,

I eventually made it to the end,

And I was happier than I had ever been,

I remember everything finally being so clear to me,

It was a dream come true,

All because I went through the foggy path.

My Prison Sentence

I remember not feeling free in life,

It felt like I was trapped,

And there was no way for me to escape.

I was rotting away,

Losing the will to keep going,

Losing the determination to reach my goals,

Losing the passion to want more.

I was settling,

And struggling to believe more was possible for me.

I was just trying to survive,

I was just trying to stay out of trouble,

I was just trying to keep my head down,

I was just trying to serve my time,

I was just trying to get through my prison sentence.

Keep You Around

I have a strong attraction for you,

I want to explore it more,

And I know you don’t mind us being closer,

You even encourage it and welcome it,

It doesn’t really matter too much to you,

It’s just all on me to act,

But there’s something stopping me from doing so,

There’s something stopping me from being closer to you.

I just know I can’t have that type of relationship with you.

It just doesn’t feel right,

It’s wrong,

You’re not good for me,

But I can’t help but be curious about the possibility of us.

Why am I struggling to let you go completely?

No, why am I refusing to let you go completely?

I know why,

I still want to depend on you,

I still want to hold on to you,

I still want to fantasize about you,

I still want to picture us together,

Even though I know we’re not good together,

You’re not the right match for me,

But I still want to keep you around.

Being On Autopilot

I remember it being hard to enjoy life,

There were even times it was moving fast,

And I wasn’t even a part of it.

I was mostly on autopilot,

Just trying to get through hard days.

I wanted to forget those days

And pretend I had little to no control over them.

I refused to find the joy and gladness of those days,

I only wanted misery,

It was a struggle to love life,

It was easy to have a negative perspective on life,

It was easy to blame the world for my problems,

It was easy to hold on to the past,

It was easy to stay in the same place,

It was easy to be on autopilot.

The Ocean Girl: Part Five

I wasn’t prepared for the storm at sea,

I felt lost and completely helpless,

To the tides that were no longer peaceful or tranquil,

They were violent and aggressive,

Chaos was all around me,

And I needed to take action.

I wanted to be there for her in any way I could,

I had to be there for her in that moment,

Before I could say anything,

She moved away from me,

Wiped away her tears,

And thanked me for walking back with her.

She tried to say goodbye to me,

But I wouldn’t let her.

I asked if I could come inside,

She was surprised and asked why,

I got closer to her,

And whispered that I wanted to be with her,

Just a little longer.

She teared up,

And invited me inside.

I embraced her with loving arms,

And gave her the support and love she needed.

She didn’t feel so alone,

And she thanked me for being with her,

In a time that she was struggling,

I felt like I truly saw all of her beauty that day,

That I was always so afraid to explore.

On the surface she seemed perfect,

But her depths told a different story.

She truly was like the ocean.

Letting You Go Completely

I remember you wanting me to be angry with you,

You hurt me in unimaginable ways,

And you expected me to respond.

You didn’t care how I responded,

You just wanted a response,

You just wanted my attention.

I never understood why you wanted this,

But it suddenly hit me,

If I’m angry with you,

You’ll still be in my heart, mind and soul.

I’m still holding on to you.

And just struggling to let you go completely.

I’m sorry I can’t give you what you want,

As long as I hold a grudge,

I’m practically stabbing myself,

And expecting you to bleed with me.

I’m only hurting myself.

I want to be happy,

I want to strive to choose kindness and gentleness,

Every single day,

Just because you want to be cruel,

Doesn’t mean that I have to choose that as well.

I hope you can let go,

And be better eventually,

But I want to be better now

And let you go completely.