Preferences

A couple of years ago, I was attending Indiana University of Pennsylvania (IUP), and I had just finished my last class for the day. As I was walking home, I get a text from my friend Howard asking if I wanted to meet up with him and his friend Tasha at Crimson Cafe. I was thinking about declining because I was tired and just wanted to lay in bed in my room, but then I remember it was Wing Night at Crimson Café. Wings are my weakness, so I naturally texted Howard that I would meet up with them. Then, I saw that it was 7:00 and knew that it was gonna be packed. Also, I saw that I was kind of far away from Crimson Café, and I was contemplating if I really wanted to make the journey to the wings. My room and bed were within grasp, but I decided to walk to Crimson Café to get some wings because I was hungry. The last thing I needed to be was hungry and tired, so I might as well not be hungry. I had to mentally prepare myself for a long, grueling five-minute walk, and I hope that I had the will to make it to Crimson Café.

I miraculously made it to Crimson Café. I walked inside and saw Burger Studio completely empty. Then, I immediately saw a long line into Fire Place, where they serve the wings. I rolled my eyes and went to the back of the line. As I waiting, I looked to my left and saw Howard sitting with this pretty, black girl. I waved at them, and they saw me and waved back. After a few minutes, I eventually got some hot wings and a fountain drink. Then, I made my way to Howard and Tasha.

I sat down with them, and Howard made sure to introduce me to Tasha. We started eating our wings, talking and joking around. While we were talking, I noticed something interesting with Tasha. She was laughing hard at Howard’s jokes, giving him googly eyes and touching him a lot. I was asking myself, “Does she like him or something?”

It was around 8:00, and I was ready to leave and go back to my room. My room was at Suites at Maple East. As I was getting ready to leave, Howard got up and said that he would join me as well. He had lived at Stephenson Hall, so he was relatively close to my hall. Tasha lived at Wallwork, it was further away from Suites on Maple East and Stephenson Hall. Since it was kind of dark and late, I asked Tasha if she needed one of us to walk her home. She kind of looked at Howard, but he was looking at his phone. Tasha said that she would be fine and thanked me for offering to walk her home. Howard and I walked together, and Tasha walked home alone.

As I was walking with Howard, I found myself thinking about Tasha. It seemed like she wanted something more with Howard, but he wasn’t feeling her like that. I needed to know why. So, I said, “You know, Tasha seems nice.”

Howard responded, “Yeah, she’s cool, man.”

“You ever think about dating her or something,” I asked.

Howard replied, “Nah, man, she’s just the homie. I don’t like her like that. Also, I only date white girls.”

Howard’s reply took me by surprise. Howard and I had been friends for a couple of weeks, so we really didn’t know that much about each other. However, it quickly all made sense to me. He always talked about how beautiful white girls were to him, and I never heard him talk about black girls. I just couldn’t believe he only preferred to date white girls. How could he not see the attraction and beauty of not only black girls, but other races as well?

I asked him, “How come?”

He said, “Well, they’re just more attractive to me than black girls, man. I like what I like.”

I could tell that he thought that I was judging him, so I quickly said, “Hey man, I’m not judging you or anything, I just find it interesting and just a little curious.”

“Yeah, and I don’t hate black girls, man. I don’t want you thinking that at all. I just prefer to be with a white girl,” he said.

I told him that I didn’t think that of him, but I wasn’t sure. I still found myself confused with my friend’s preference for just white girls. Maybe Howard was just going through a phase. We were both young, and maybe Howard would see the beauty in all women in a few years.

A few years passed, and I found myself talking to my friend Howard last year on the phone. We talked for a little bit, and he told me that he was talking to this white girl. He talked about how she was really cute, and he had a date with her that he was really excited about. He said, “I think this could be the one, Isaiah. I’m finally about to have my white girl.”

I joked, “Man, if you weren’t obsessed with her being white, you’d probably would’ve been having someone right now.”

We both laughed, and he asked me what my excuse was for being alone. I just shrugged and said, “I’m trying to be single. I don’t have time to be with anybody right now. I only have time for God.”

We started laughing again, and we talked for a few more minutes. Then, he had to hang up and prepare for his date. I still found myself confused with Howard, and I needed some answers. I ended up talking to my mom about Howard, and she said something interesting to me. My mom told me that Howard’s preference for white girls wasn’t wrong, but it was limiting. He had a right to prefer white girls, but it puts a limitation on him to potentially find someone that’s perfect for him.

Then, I asked her if it was wrong to have preferences, but she quickly said not necessarily. Certain preferences are necessary to make sure that you find the right person for you. If you don’t have preferences, then you’ll end up with anybody, not that special somebody.

In the end, I learned that everyone has a right to their own preferences. If you want to base your preferences on how somebody looks, then it’s perfectly fine but limiting. For me, my preferences are not about somebody’s look, race or ethnicity. My preferences for somebody is based on what’s in their heart, mind and spirit. My preferences will not limit me in finding the one for me.

This is the end of “Preferences.”

My Worst Nightmare

Why do the days have to be so long with you?

Are you ever gonna give me a break?

Are we ever gonna stop fighting with each other?

Are you ever gonna let me open myself up to others?

Are you always gonna force me into isolation?

Please, I have to know.

I’m trying so hard to make things work with you, but it’s impossible.

You have to have your way because of who you are.

I just want to be happy for once.

Why can’t you let me experience that?

I heard happiness was a special feeling, but I wouldn’t know thanks to you.

Happiness is only a flower that I can never hold.

I can only see its beauty planted from a distance.

I pray to God every day to get rid of you, but you’re still here.

I read the Bible every day to find ways to fight you, but you’re still here.

What more can I do?

How come God and the Bible ain’t enough to fight you?

What more do I need for deliverance from you?

I think about asking others for help, but I’m hesitant.

I don’t want people knowing about you.

I don’t want people associating you with me.

I don’t want people questioning how you’re with me in the first place.

I don’t want people looking at me differently.

I don’t want people discovering how weak I am because of you

I don’t want people learning who I am because of you.

You hold all the power over me.

I fear that you’ll get the best of me.

I’m tired of fighting, and I just want to let you win.

Because you are my worst nightmare.

This is the end of the poem “My Worst Nightmare.”

Be sure to like, share and comment your thoughts on this poem.

This week, I will be posting two short stories. On Tuesday, I will be posting and sharing the short story “Preferences.” On Thursday, I will be posting and sharing the short story “A Terrible Wingman.”

The Green Mask: Part Three

Just to recap, Matthew is surprised to see himself confronted by a boy his age named Goldie. They talk for a little bit, and Matthew quickly notices that Goldie is a more enthusiastic, positive kid than him. In addition, Matthew learns that Goldie knows about Bryan and his troubled time at his new school. Goldie assures Matthew that he’s only trying to help him, and Matthew finds himself trusting and believing in Goldie. He can’t explain why he trusts Goldie, but there was just this calming, comfortable feeling that Matthew had with Goldie. Anyways, Goldie leads Matthew to this treehouse filled with masks and a large mirror. Matthew sees a white mask with evil eyes, sharp teeth and a sinister smile. He tries to touch it, but Goldie quickly stops him and tells him to not touch it. Matthew asks why and Goldie explains that it’s for someone else with sinister intentions. Instead, Goldie presents Matthew with a green mask with a face and a big smile on it. Then, Goldie says, “This is the green mask, Matthew. This mask will help you in unimaginable ways, bro. All you have to do is give me your red sunglasses, for this green mask.”

Now, it’s time to get into “The Green Mask: Part Three.”

Matthew touches his red sunglasses and asks Goldie why he wants his sunglasses. Goldie responds, “Because they look so cool and amazing. I could rock those sunglasses with some of my masks.”

Matthew shakes his head, but Goldie continues, “I also know that those sunglasses come with a lot baggage and hurt. Those sunglasses are a curse to you, bro. Am I right?”

The sunglasses were a curse to Matthew, but he didn’t want to admit that Goldie. He just shrugs his shoulder and makes Goldie chuckle. Goldie adds, “I’ll admit that this green mask is a little bit of a curse, but it’s mostly a gift.”

“How can something be a gift and a curse?” Matthew asks.

Goldie laughs and says, “Wow, I forget how young you are, bro. My bad. But this mask is a gift for you. This mask was designed especially for you to help you, but it all depends on you if this mask is a curse.”

Matthew is confused with the “young” part because they were practically the same age. He looks at Goldie and asks him who he is. Goldie replies, “I’m just someone that just wants to help you, bro. I guess I just like helping people in a way.”

Matthew asks what Goldie means, and he replies, “Well, it depends on people really. I give people the opportunity to save or doom themselves depending on their choices with me.”

“Why not just save them?” Matthew asks.

Goldie tilts his head to the right and says, “Because some people don’t want to be saved, they just want to survive. What do you want, Matthew?”

“I’m not sure what I want really. I guess I just want to be happy,” Matthew says.

Goldie tilts his head to the left and replies, “Of course, you want to be happy. I can honestly help you with that, if you just hear me out, bro.”

Matthew wants to leave the treehouse because he’s getting a weird feeling with Goldie, but he reluctantly agrees to hear Goldie out.

Goldie is happy to hear this and says, “Great, so let me tell you about this green mask.”

Goldie goes on to explain how the green mask will provide Matthew with peace and tranquility. It’s a mask that will help Matthew be comfortable being alone, but never lonely. He will smile and laugh with ease thanks to the green mask. It will help him forget his worries and welcome a new, fulfilling perspective of life. It will mask his true feelings and create the illusion of positive feelings. The green mask will ultimately help Matthew find his happiness. It all sounded good to Matthew, but he didn’t like the idea of wearing a mask. It felt wrong and deceitful to hide his emotions. Goldie quickly says, “It’s not deceitful or wrong in any way. Everyone wears a mask, I promise you. It’s just that some don’t have the right mask, bro.”

Matthew still wasn’t sure about having to wear a mask on his face. Goldie tilts his head to the right and says, “Oh, it’s not gonna be visible at all in the public eye. You’re simply putting it on your soul.”

Matthew wonders how that’s possible, and Goldie tilts his head to the left and turns it to the mirror. He walks up in front of the mirror and looks at it. Then, he says, “All you have to do is look into the mirror. Look into it and allow yourself to be lost in your reflection. Then, you will see your soul in the mirror, and that is when you will put the green mask on.”

Matthew looks at Goldie and asks him why does he wear the yellow, tiger mask. Goldie straightens up and walks over to Matthew. He looks Matthew in the eyes, and he touches his mask. Goldie thinks about taking his mask off but he doesn’t. Instead, he laughs and says, “Like I said, everyone wears a mask. I wear this mask for a reason that I cannot explain to you. It hides what it needs to hide.”

Matthew understands, but he longs to know who the kid in the yellow tiger mask really is. Is Goldie truly trying to save him?

Goldie moves away from Matthew and faces the mirror. He says, “So, will you give me your red sunglasses for this green mask that will help you achieve happiness?”

“Why do I have to give up my glasses for the green mask? I thought you were trying to save me,” Matthew says.

“I am trying to save you. You have to give up something in order to gain something, you know. In order to be better, you have to change. There’s no middle ground, bro. You can either keep the red sunglasses or give them up for something better. Something that will change your life. Something that will give you hope. The green mask will do that for you. It will give you back what you have lost and forgotten. Please, take the green mask and let go of the red aviator sunglasses,” Goldie begs.

This is the end of “The Green Mask: Part Three.”

I will be posting the fourth and final part of “The Green Mask” on Thursday.

I Promise

Why does life have to be so hard?

I’ve relied on you for years to help me through the struggle, but you’ve gotten weaker.

You’re not as strong as you used to be.

What changed?

Can you tell me what I have to do with our without you?

I long to keep you by my side, but I’m worried you’re slipping away from me.

I’ve failed so much that I’ve forgotten what success was like with you.

You’re like a distant relative now, but you’re supposed to be my best friend.

I’m ashamed that I’ve allowed others to take your place.

These others want to hurt, kill and destroy me.

These others want me to cater to my lustful needs and desires.

These others don’t want me to reach my destination.

These others don’t want me to see that I have a purpose.

These others don’t want me to see you in my life.

I need to make you essential in my life because I can’t do it without you.

You’re the one that makes me who I am.

I can’t blame you for being weak when I’m the reason you’re weak now.

I should’ve catered to you constantly.

Instead, I treated you like a withered house plant.

I ignored you and didn’t you give you the necessary care to blossom.

I want you and no one else.

I realize now that if I don’t have you, I can’t have nobody.

You help me see the good and beauty of this world.

Without you, I only see the wickedness and the hopelessness that exists in this world.

Please, come back into my life.

Please, help me believe again.

Please, help me forgive myself for losing you.

Please, I need you.

You’re always going to be in my heart.

I promise that I’m gonna make you stronger again.

I promise we’re gonna be a team again.

I promise I’ll love you again.

I promise that you’ll be my strength again.

I promise.

This is the end of the poem “I Promise.”

What do you think this poem is about? Let me know in the comments what you think the poem “I Promise” is about and any other thoughts you may have. Also, if you’re following “The Green Mask” story in the Dark Colors series on my blog, this poem is connected with that short story. I will be posting part three and four of “The Green Mask” this week on Tuesday and Thursday.

The Green Mask: Part Two

Just to recap, it’s the summertime for Matthew, and he’s having a hard time adjusting to his new school. It was the sixth grade for Matthew, and he struggled to adjust to his new school and make new friends. In addition, Matthew finds himself tormented by his troubled past with his old school, more specifically with Bryan. Matthew recalls seeking vengeance against Bryan, but it would come with a cost. Matthew would lose his innocence, condemn Bryan to a terrible fate and bear the red aviator sunglasses. Now, Matthew walks alone in his neighborhood, gets an ice cream cone from Sal’s Ice Cream shop and finds himself alone at the park. As the sun starts to set, Matthew takes off his sunglasses and begins to cry. Matthew prays to God to help him stop crying, but he’s quickly soothed by a kid around his age. Matthew realizes the kid is wearing a tiger mask covered in yellow. He thanks the kid for calming him down, and the kid tells him it’s no problem. Then, the kid says, “By the way, my name’s Goldie, but a lot of people just call me the kid in the yellow mask.”

Now, it’s time to get into “The Green Mask: Part Two.”

Matthew quickly puts on his red sunglasses and tells Goldie that it’s nice to meet him. Goldie tilts his head to the right and this confuses Matthew. Matthew asks Goldie what’s wrong, and Goldie responds, “Oh nothing, it’s just that you’re so interesting to me, Matthew, and I honestly want the best for you.”

There was a concerned look on Matthew’s face because Goldie knew his name. Also, why did he want the best for him? Before Matthew could respond, Goldie excitedly asks, “So, how was the ice cream from Sal’s? Was it good? Was it the best ice cream you ever had? Did you have sprinkles on it? Please, please, please, I have to know.”

Goldie got close to Matthew waiting for an answer. Matthew told him that Sal’s ice cream was great, but he didn’t get any sprinkles on his ice cream. Goldie says, “Oh, that’s so awesome. Now, I definitely have to give them a whirl. I just love ice cream, especially ice cream with sprinkles. I have a feeling you will too, eventually.”

After Goldie says that, he proceeds to laugh and starts running around. He talks about how beautiful and amazing the park and summer is for him. Matthew couldn’t help but chuckle at Goldie’s excitement. Matthew could tell that Goldie was a very enthusiastic, positive kid. It seemed like the world was all sunshine and rainbows for Goldie, but it was a red, dark world for Matthew thanks to his red sunglasses.

Goldie stops running around and rushes back to Matthew. He sits back on the swing next to Matthew, tilts his head to the left and asks Matthew why he was crying. Matthew responds that it was for no reason. Goldie tilts his head to the right and says, “It doesn’t look like it was for no reason. Were you bothered by Bryan and your new school?”

Matthew is shocked and asks Goldie how he knows about Bryan and his struggles at his new school. Goldie shrugs his shoulders, tilts his head to the left and responds, “I just do. I’m very, very, smart kid, bro. So, were you thinking about Bryan, school or something else?”

Matthew quickly replies that it’s nothing, and he thinks about running away because Goldie was starting to freak him out. Matthew starts to get up from his swing, but Goldie stops him. He says, “Please, don’t be scared, Matthew. I just want to help. Please, just give me a chance.”

Goldie’s touch calms Matthew down. Matthew thinks to himself that he could trust Goldie, and it’s a weird feeling. Matthew believes in Goldie. Matthew responds, “Alright, I’ll give you a chance. Tell me what have to do.”

Goldie tilts his head to right and says, “I know you can’t see it, but I’m actually smiling. I’m glad you’re letting me help you out, bro. Just follow me.”

They both get up from the swings, and they start walking with Goldie leading the way. As they’re walking, Matthew finds himself getting a little tired and wear, and he sees just a clear path in front of him. Goldie yells that they’re almost there, and Matthew ends up closing his eyes for few seconds. He opens them up and finds himself in front of tree. How did a tree suddenly appear out of nowhere? He looks around for Goldie, but he’s nowhere to be found. Where could Goldie have gone? Matthew continues to look around, but the area is unfamiliar to him. Matthew’s heart is racing as confusion and terror run rapid in his mind. Did Goldie abandon him somehow? Matthew doesn’t know what to do. He begins to pray, but there’s a yell from above. He looks up at the tree and notices a treehouse on top. Then, Goldie pokes his head out of the treehouse and says, “Hey bro, there’s no need for that. I got you, just come on up man.”

Goldie motions for Matthew to go around the tree and climb the ladder that was waiting for him. Matthew starts climbing and makes it to the treehouse. Goldie opens the door and helps Matthew get inside. When Matthew gets inside, he notices that the treehouse is covered with masks. Then, Matthew sees a big mirror in front of him, but there was nothing else in the treehouse. Just a bunch of masks and a mirror. Matthew looks around at all the masks in the treehouse, and he finds himself intrigued by a white mask. The mask had evil eyes, sharp teeth and a sinister smile. Matthew reaches to touch it, but Goldie quickly stops him. Goldie looks him in the eyes and says, “Don’t touch that mask. Ever.”

Matthew asks why and Goldie explains that it’s for someone else with sinister intentions. “Trust me, that mask is not for you,” says Goldie.

Matthew gets away from the mask, and Goldie tells him to just stand in front of the mirror. Matthew listens to Goldie and just looks at all of the masks in the treehouse. Why did Goldie have so many masks? Before Matthew could think more about the masks, Goldie presents a mask to Matthew. It’s green, and it was just a face with a big smile on it. Matthew didn’t understand. Then, Goldie says, “This is the green mask, Matthew. This mask will help you in unimaginable ways, bro. All you have to do is give me your red sunglasses, for this green mask.”

This is the end of “The Green Mask: Part Two.”

This weekend, I will be sharing poetry. Also, I will be posting part three and four of “The Green Mask” next week.

The Green Mask: Part One

It’s the summertime for Matthew, but it is hard for him to enjoy the summer. He had moved from another state last year, and he had a rough year at his new school. It was the sixth grade for Matthew. He had a hard time making new friends and adapting to his new school. Although Matthew wasn’t bullied or rejected by others at his new school, he found himself tormented by his past at his old school.

At his old school, Matthew was bullied because he was different from others. The kids there would hurt him physically and verbally, and teachers could not or rather would not do anything about it. One kid in particular that pushed Matthew to the edge was Bryan. Bryan was like most of the kids at Matthew’s old school, but he had red aviator sunglasses that made him stood out from the rest. These red aviator sunglasses with a silver lining made Bryan royalty among his peers, and he was adored by them. Bryan would eventually cross paths with Matthew, and he would hurt him in ways that pushed Matthew towards vengeance. Matthew would eventually have his revenge, but it would come at a cost. Matthew would lose his innocence, condemn Bryan to a terrible fate and bear the red aviator sunglasses.

Now, Matthew is walking alone in his nice neighborhood. He sees nothing but a red world around him thanks to the red aviator sunglasses. For Matthew, it’s a blessing and a curse having these sunglasses. He constantly sees the true, dark colors of his world, and he can ever forget the truth. Even when he doesn’t wear the glasses, he still remembers the truth. It’s imprinted in his mind, and he longs for the red world to be out of his mind. Sadly, it’s impossible for Matthew. He can never escape the red world because of his experience at his old school. Matthew can only hope for a miracle to change his perspective of the world.

As Matthew is walking, he can’t help but think about Bryan, the reason he had these red sunglasses. Matthew recalls how Bryan was scared of getting suspended and being home. He cried that his father was going to kill him, and he was begging for forgiveness. Matthew didn’t care about his tears because he wanted his revenge. Now, Matthew worries about Bryan because he realized that Bryan had a genuine fear of his dad. Matthew didn’t know all the details, but he knew that Bryan’s father wasn’t a good man. He was a father that would hurt his son in unimaginable ways.

Matthew continues his walk, but he quickly notices that he’s about to pass Sal’s Ice Cream Shop. He loved the ice cream there, and he knew that he had to get a large, vanilla cone. He walked towards the ice cream shop and noticed there was a long line. Matthew went to the back of the line and excitedly waited for some of Sal’s ice cream. A few minutes later, it was finally his turn to order a vanilla ice cream cone. Matthew ordered a vanilla ice cream cone, paid for it and received it in seconds. Matthew took his ice cream cone and decided that he wanted to go to the park. He was considering to eat his ice cream at Sal’s, but he saw that he was making some people at the ice cream shop uncomfortable. So, he just decided that it would be best to eat his ice cream somewhere else.

Matthew walks to the park and notices right away that no one was there. He was thrilled. He was excited to have the park all to himself and to be alone with his thoughts. Then, Matthew goes towards the swings and decides to sit down on a swing. He starts swinging a little back and forth and continues to enjoy his ice cream. As he finishes it, Matthew hears the laughter of other kids having fun together. Matthew thinks to himself, “It must be nice to have friends.”

As the sun starts to set, Matthew takes off his red sunglasses and begins to cry. He tries to stop himself, but he can’t. His tears are uncontrollable. Matthew can’t understand why he’s crying all of a sudden, and he hates it. He despises the tears that are coming down his face, and he wants them to desperately stop. Matthew starts to have a hard time breathing. He can hear his heart pounding rapidly in his body, and he doesn’t know how to stop it. Matthew closes his eyes and prays to God. He prays for God to calm him down and help him pull himself together. Before he can finish, a hand touches Matthew’s shoulder and says, “Whoa, whoa, whoa. There’s no need for that, I promise you. I got you, bro. Just relax and take a deep breath.”

Matthew listens to the child-like voice behind him, and he starts to relax. Suddenly, a wave of relaxation and comfort flows through Matthew in ways he couldn’t imagine. Matthew decides to take a look behind him, and he sees a little kid. The little kid is around the same age as Matthew. The little kid is wearing some yellow tennis shoes, blue shorts and a yellow T-shirt. However, the little kid was wearing a tiger mask that was covered in yellow. It was weird and bizarre to Matthew, and he gathered in his head that this kid’s favorite color was yellow.

After Matthew takes in all the yellow the kid was wearing, he thanks to the kid for his advice and for helping him calm down. The kid responds, “Oh, it was no problem, bro. I’m happy to help. Do you mind if I sit next to you on the swing.”

Matthew tells him that it’s fine, and the kid proceeds to sit next to him. Then, he says, “By the way, my name’s Goldie, but a lot of people just call me the kid in the yellow mask.”

This is the end of “The Green Mask: Part One.”

Also, be sure to check out the short story “Red Aviator Sunglasses: Parts One and Two” on the Dark Colors series, if you haven’t already. That short story will provide great context for this short story, and each part can be found in the Table of Contents page on the Warfield Zone.

I will be posting part two of “The Green Mask” on Thursday.

Khalil

I can’t believe how close we are, despite being miles away from each other.

I wish were closer in proximity.

However, it wasn’t meant to be.

Sometimes I worry that I’m not doing enough, but you assure me that I’m fine.

You assure me that you love me and appreciate the best I can give you.

I only wish that everyone can give you their best.

However, it doesn’t matter to you.

You continue to allow your confidence to fly and wake up in the sky.

I can’t describe how proud I am of you.

How are you so awesome?

How are you so cool?

How did I get so lucky to have you in my life?

I’m thankful that you look up to.

I hope and pray that I won’t let you down.

I know that we’re going to have a bright future together as brothers.

I love you, Khalil.

This is the end of the poem “Khalil.”

On Tuesday, I will be posting part one of a four-part story titled “The Green Mask” on the Dark Colors series. Then, I will be posting part two on Thursday.

You Can Do Better Than Me

Sometimes it feels like I’m a burden in your life.

Sometimes it feels like I’m a bump in your road.

Sometimes it feels like I’m a crack in your mirror.

Sometimes it feels like I’m a spot on your body.

Sometimes it feels like I’m a meaningless cliché to you.

Sometimes it feels like we don’t belong.

I try to ignore these feelings, but I can’t.

They’re too loud with their cries to ignore.

I know you don’t need me, but I’m worried that I need you.

I need you to tell me that I’m not a disappointment but a gift to you.

I need you to assure me that there’s no reason to be worried.

I hope you can give me what I need, but I fear that you can’t.

I want to be honest with you, but I worry that it’s an inconvenience to you.

How could I get in the way of your happiness?

How could I not see that you’re killing it in life right now?

How could I get in the way of your success?

Who am I to do such a terrible thing to you?

It’s selfish of me to tell you how I feel.

You need to worry about yourself, not about me and my insecurities.

After all, I’m the only one that can save myself.

You truly are amazing, and I’m so thankful to have you in my life.

However, I feel like I have to let you go.

You deserve someone better than me.

You deserve someone that has more worth to you than me.

You deserve the best that God can bless you with.

I feel like I’m the worst, and you can do better than me.

The Girl I Never Want to See Again: Part Four

Just to recap, Jessica was excited that I decided to message her because she thought that I was sexy and attractive at Sheetz. We talked for a little bit, and she was constantly asking me to come over house. I constantly declined because of the experience I had with the Philadelphia girl and my discomfort to be alone with her. However, I decided that I should at least give her a chance but not too much of a chance. I asked her if she wanted to have dinner and see a movie with me and some friends on Friday, and she agreed. On Friday, my friends, Jessica and I agreed to meet at the Community College of Allegheny County (CCAC) South Campus at 6:00 pm. My friends and I waited for Jessica, but she never showed up. I tried calling and messaging her, but she never answered me. At around 7:30, Jessica messaged me that she was at CCAC for 30 minutes and did not see me. Jessica accused me of standing her up, but my friends and I were at CCAC till 7:45 and never saw her. Then, I discovered on her story that she was actually with her friends from 6:00-7:30 and realized that she had lied to me. She had stood me up and tried to manipulate me into thinking that I stood her up. After I was done hanging out with my friends, I make it home and message to her that I don’t appreciate her dishonesty, and all I really wanted was for her to be honest and tell me the truth. Jessica replied, “You’re right, I wasn’t at CCAC. The truth is I didn’t want to see you because you’re not trying to get with me. You’re trying to get with Vanessa, and you’re just using me to get to her.”

Now, let’s dive on in to the fourth and final part of “The Girl I Never Want to See Again: Part Four.”

It was around 1:00 am, and I was just tired and ready to go to bed. I just wanted to sleep and deal with Jessica in the morning. Then, I saw Jessica’s message and couldn’t believe my eyes. Her message had woke me up, and I just found myself in disbelief. Her message made absolutely no sense to me at all. I couldn’t believe that she was literally trying to use her friend as an excuse for her terrible lying, deception and manipulation to me. I was angry and started typing what I really wanted to say to her on my phone. I texted, “Jessica, are you serious right now? You’re gonna sit here and use your friend as excuse for your behavior. I can’t believe your childish behavior, and I’m about to go off on you.”

I said so much in my angry message to her, and I was so close to sending my long, angry message to her. Then, I took a breath and erased all the anger I typed in my phone. Instead, I calmed down and messaged her, “Ok, why do you think that I’m trying to get with Vanessa?”

She responded, “Because when we first started messaging each other, you said that you thought she was pretty, and I could tell you’ve always wanted her more than me.”

I looked at Jessica’s message, and I just couldn’t believe the ridiculousness. It made no sense to me at all. I only said Vanessa was pretty one time, and it was to tell Jessica how my coworkers thought Vanessa was trying to get with me. I was just honest with Jessica and told her that her friend was pretty. That was the only time. I never mentioned her once after that, and there was no evidence that I wanted Vanessa more than Jessica. Before I could respond, Jessica added, “You know, you’re just such a player. You act like you’re this nice and friendly guy, but really you’re just trying to get with anybody but me because I’m clearly not good enough for you. Vanessa warned me about you.”

I was really praying to God to give me patience with this girl. I prayed, “Please don’t let me go off on this girl, God. Please, please, please, God, I need you now more than ever.”

After I was done praying, I didn’t understand how Vanessa thought that I was player. Then, I quickly understood that it was because of Derek. Derek was talking about how I was a player that was just constantly trying to get with any pretty girls at Sheetz, which wasn’t true at all. He was the one that was doing that and failing miserably at it. I gave him advice, and he just brought me down. His false words about me traveled to Vanessa, which resulted in Vanessa creating this false, player image to Jessica. I understood that Derek was responsible for Jessica feeling insecure.

I took a deep breathe and realized that I needed to address this. So, I responded, “Ok, but wouldn’t I have gotten Vanessa’s snap too if I was just trying to get with anyone because it would increase my chances? I was just thinking about you because you were the first girl I saw, and I wasn’t trying to get with Vanessa. And like I said, I’m honest and I admitted that I thought she was pretty too, but I wasn’t trying to get with her. I got your snap, not the other girl because you’re not just anybody. You’re the girl that caught my eye at Sheetz. You’re the girl with the sweet, pretty, green eyes that always mesmerized me. You’re the girl that is so adorable, funny and cute. You’re the girl that is a true, priceless treasure. You’re the girl that I wanted to be with. But thank you for your honesty, I appreciate it and it means a lot to me. At least now you know how I truly feel about you.”

Jessica said, “Awww thank you, Isaiah! You’re so sweet!”

I told her it was no problem. Then, I messaged her that I would talk to her later because I needed some sleep. I messaged her goodnight, and I realized that night that I was done talking to her. I needed to keep my distance and never talk to her again.

A couple of days had passed, and I had a change of heart. I thought to myself that I should be nice and at least try to be friends with her. Give her another chance. I texted her what’s up, and we were talking for a little bit. Then, she asked me when we were going to see each other, and I responded, “You know, I don’t think that’s a good idea. I think it’s better if we just text each other and just be friends with each other. You’re an awesome girl, and I think there’s someone better for you instead of me.”

She texted, “See, there you go again being a player. When will you learn? You clearly didn’t mean what you said about me a couple days ago, and you just wanna talk to other girls.”

I sighed, and I was irritated with her. She was still believing in her lie, and I was annoyed with it. So, I responded, “Again, I’m not a player. And I did mean what I said about you a couple days. I just can’t be with someone that lies and hurts me and doesn’t even apologize for it. You stood me up, lied and never apologized for your mistakes. I geniunely wanted to talk to you and possibly be friends with you, but not anymore. I want nothing to do with you, and I’m moving on with my life. I’m gonna find someone way better for you, and I hope and pray you find someone that’s good and a perfect fit for you. You were the girl I was interested in, but now you’re the girl I never want to see again.”

This is the end of “The Girl I Never Want to See Again: Part Four.”

Thank you for following the four-part story “The Girl I Never Want to See Again.”

This weekend, I will be posting poetry on Saturday and Sunday.

The Girl I Never Want to See Again: Part Three

Just to recap, the black girl ended up telling me that her friend, Jessica, wanted my Snapchat. I went to get my phone in the break room, and I told my coworkers that the black girl’s friend wanted my Snapchat. My coworkers made so many distracting comments about me getting a girl’s Snapchat without saying anything. They had me in tears, and I couldn’t resist laughing. Once I got my phone out the break room, I went back to the kitchen and saw Derek trying to talk to the black girl. I could tell the black girl was uncomfortable, so I quickly came over, opened my Snapchat and started searching for Jessica on it. While I was doing this, Derek was telling the black girl that she needed to be careful with me because I was a player and constantly having really pretty girls throw themselves at me. I didn’t understand why he said this, but I decided to not think too much about it. After I got Jessica’s Snapchat, the black girl smiled and left. My coworkers congratulated me for getting Jessica’s snapchat. Monica asked me if I was going to message Jessica, but I wasn’t sure. Then, she encouraged me to give her a chance and remember that not every girl is like the Philadelphia Girl. I contemplated and decided to message Jessica. She responded, “Heyyyy, I’ve been waiting for you to message me! I’m so excited you messaged me!”

Now, let’s dive on in to “The Girl I Never Want to See Again: Part Three.”

After she expressed her excitement with me messaging her on Snapchat, I asked her what made her want my Snapchat. She responded, “Well, you were looking so sexy and hot in the kitchen, I just knew that I had to get your Snap. And when you looked at me, I like couldn’t believe it. I told my friend Vanessa that I needed your snap because you were too fine.”

I smiled and laughed as she was really making me feel myself. I told her how my coworkers thought that Vanessa was trying to get with me. Then, I said, “Yeah, I thought your friend Vanessa was pretty, too, but I was glad that you were feeling me because I gave you the look and all.”

She sent me laughing emojis and told me that I was funny. After that, she asked me if I wanted to come over her house. Now, this was a couple of weeks after the Philadelphia girl, so I wasn’t eager to go to a girl’s house. Plus, she was living with her parents. I didn’t know them or know how they would react with me if they were to ever catch me with their daughter, so it was better to be safe then sorry. So, I told her that I was good, and I would come over when the time was right.

For two weeks, I was messaging Jessica, and I found myself interested and annoyed with her. I was interested in her because of her serious interest in me, her humor and her eyes. She had really pretty green eyes that were just so hypnotizing, and I loved them. Jessica would always send me pictures of her mesmerizing eyes and pretty face, and they just always made my day. However, I was annoyed with her because she was constantly pressuring me to come over her house. Also, she needed my attention. Jessica would feel some type of way, if I didn’t message her right away or as soon as possible. She felt like I didn’t care about her, but it was just really about me being busy with work, summer school, projects, writings, art and other things. My world didn’t revolve around her, and it bothered her. In addition, Jessica didn’t like it when I complimented or talked about some of her friends on snapchat. She explained to me that it bothered her, and I stopped doing it. I had some very mixed vibes with Jessica, and I didn’t know what to do because I was interested and annoyed with her.

I decided that I should at least give her a chance but not too much of a chance. I asked her if she was busy on a Friday, and she asked me, “No, what you tryna do?”

I told her that I was thinking about having dinner and seeing a movie with some friends. I decided that I wanted to have a group date with her. There was some anxiety at the thought of being alone with her, and I never want to be alone with a girl that gives me discomfort. She agreed to have dinner and a movie with me and some of my friends, but she wasn’t excited about it.

On Friday, the day had finally arrived, and I was seriously nervous. I asked Jessica for her address so that I could pick her up, but she told me that she was good. I found this weird because she always wanted me to come to her house, but now she changed her mind just like that? I don’t know, it felt weird to me. Anyways, I explained that we were meeting at Community College of Allegheny County (CCAC) South Campus. Jessica told me that she understood, and she couldn’t wait to see me.

When I had arrived at CCAC South Campus, it was around 6:00 pm. My friends and I had all agreed to meet up at CCAC at 6:15 to plan everything out. All of my friends (Jake, Stan and Nick) were at the school on time, while Jessica was not. I tried calling and messaging her, but she wasn’t answering me. I was worried that something had happened to her. I wanted to do more, but Jake told me that there was nothing more that I could do. I agreed with him, and I was just hoping that everything was alright with Jessica.

My friends and I ended up being at CCAC for over an hour to just talk and figure the restaurant/movie we wanted to go to. Once we decided the movie and restaurant, it was around 7:30. A minute later, Jessica responded that she was actually at CCAC South Campus for about 30 minutes and didn’t see me. So, Jessica ended up leaving and said she couldn’t believe that I stood her up. I was confused because my friends and I had been at CCAC South Campus for over an hour, and we never saw Jessica. I asked her if she went to the wrong campus, but she told me that she did not. It didn’t make sense to me. My friends were even trying to make sense of it, too. Then, I checked her story on Snapchat, and it showed that she was actually with her friends from 6:00-7:30. Jessica had lied to me. How could she do that to me? I messaged Jessica that I saw her story and wanted to know the truth with her. She didn’t respond right away, and I was a little upset. How could she stand me up, and try to manipulate me into thinking that I stood her up?

Instead of thinking about how mad I was with Jessica, I decided to enjoy the company of my friends. We ended up going to Eat-n-Park, and we went to see a great movie as well. After the movie, we all went our separate ways. As I’m driving home, I start thinking about Jessica and wondering what’s going on with her. When I make it home, I message her, “Look, all I ask is for you to be honest with me. That’s all I ask. Just tell me what’s going on. Were you not comfortable hanging out with me and my friends? If you weren’t, then I can understand that. Or if it’s something else, please let me know. I just don’t appreciate your dishonesty with me about why you were or weren’t at CCAC. I just want you to be honest and tell me the truth.”

A few minutes later, I get a message from her that read, “You’re right, I wasn’t at CCAC. The truth is I didn’t want to see you because you’re not trying to get with me. You’re trying to get with Vanessa, and you’re just using me to get to her.”

This is the end of “The Girl I Never Want to See Again: Part Three.”

I will be posting the fourth and final part on Thursday.