Having Joy and A Life

Life is all about perspective.

It’s true that I want certain things to go my way,

But I can’t disregard the things that are going my way.

I can’t disregard my blessings.

I have to cherish them with all my heart,

For they have purpose and meaning in my life.

I must never forget that.

Life will go on,

More seasons will come into my life,

And I plan on trying my best to find joy in each season.

No matter how hard or difficult each season may be.

There’s always a way to find joy.

There’s always the choice to choose between joy and despair.

Even though it can be a struggle at times,

I want to strive to always choose joy over despair,

That’s a promise.

I want life to be an exploration for me.

A journey that is unique and true to me.

An adventure that offers me development, excitement and opportunity.

I want to enjoy life.

It’s time to enjoy life.

It’s time to have joy.

It’s time for me to have joy and a life.

Please, Prove Me Wrong

I wish we could have a better relationship,

But I know it’s not possible

Because you want to remain in the past.

You want to hold on to the hurt and pain it caused you.

You’ve held on to it for years now,

And you’ve grown so dependent on it.

It’s like an addiction that you can’t get rid of so easily.

How long will you hold on to your addiction?

Do you really treasure it over me?

I don’t want to know the answers to those questions,

But I fear I already know the answers.

You’re an addict that desperately needs help,

I’ve tried my best to help you,

But I’m tired of my help leading us nowhere.

I’m tired of the same excuses,

I’m tired of the same lies,

I’m tired of the same empty promises,

I’m tired of the same pointless conversations,

I’m tired and need something different from you.

I’m worried that will never happen,

But I pray and hope I’m wrong.

But I fear I already know the answer.

Please, prove me wrong.

I’m Here For You Now

I have to stop putting all the pressure on you.

I expect you to do so much,

Carry so much,

And accomplish so much.

It’s unfair to you.

I have to do my part, too.

Otherwise, I will not see you come to life.

You need me now.

I have to be motivated and determined now for you

Because I want to see you in this world.

I want to see you thriving and living life to the fullest.

I want to see you happy.

I want to see you finding joy and positivity in any situation,

Whether it’s good or bad,

Because I struggle with that now.

I’m doing better,

But I want you to be better than me.

Please be better, stronger and wiser than me.

Please be the person I always imagined you would be.

Please be all that and more.

I hope and pray you are,

But more importantly I will do my best for you.

I will put in the work for you to be here.

I will make you a reality in this world.

I will stop putting everything on you.

I will relieve that unnecessary pressure and weight

You’ve been carrying for too long.

I’m here for you now.

An Old Conversation

I remember we had a lot of conversations together. 

Some silly and weird, 

Some serious and deep, 

Some fun and exciting, 

Some normal and ordinary. 

Despite all of these conversations, 

There’s an old conversation we had that I’ll never forget.

An old conversation that means the world to me, 

Even after so many years. 

I remember we were in your music room, 

It was such a small, cramped room. 

You always managed to make it big and wondrous

Like Wonderland for time was all messed up, 

Time had gone mad and jazz was the only thing that made sense. 

I remember all the unnecessary papers

Stacked and spread around like skyscrapers in a city, 

There was no room to explore this confined, 

Yet marvelous city

That you designed. 

I remember you had just finished playing the saxophone.

You serenaded me, 

Your only subject in your glorious empire, 

With your beautiful, magical playing. 

That day I was in a world of pure imagination,

And I could simply look around and view paradise. 

I wish I could have that day again once more

Why did that day ever have to go? 

I wonder. 

I remember you wanting to hear my thoughts, 

And all I could do was give you praise, 

And just cheer you on for such a wonderful performance

That was truly meant for me. 

You smiled

Like you had just completed a hard fought mission

That required the perfect execution,

And I had appreciated that from you

Because you were a hero to me, 

And you will always be one of the greatest heroes to me. 

No one could ever take your place.

I remember us starting our old conversation, 

It was a conversation I was not expecting to have with you, 

But I’m glad we had it

Because it would ultimately change me, 

And shape who I am today.

Without that old conversation, 

I would be a different person today. 

I remember you asking if I could teach you, 

Specifically how to play the drums. 

You wanted me to teach you, 

But I was not sure I could 

Because I only had a few years of experience,

And I thought you needed to learn from someone 

That was more experienced than me, 

Considering how you were an experienced saxophone player, 

One of the best in my opinion, 

There was just no way I could teach you.

I remember you laughing, 

When I refused to teach you,

And how you said something so profound and real, 

Something I can never forget, 

And I’ll always hold it close to my heart.

You said there’s power and beauty 

In sharing anything you can with others.

God calls us to share with others

Because we should strive to help others grow

And change for the better,

But more importantly,.

We have gifts and talents 

That are meant to be shared 

With others and the world, 

If we don’t share what we have, 

Then we are doing a disservice to ourselves and God. 

Always share what you can. 

I remember being astounded and awe-inspired

By your words of wisdom, 

I apologized for saying I could not teach you, 

But you assured me that I was fine,

You understood where I was coming from. 

Then you asked if I was ready to teach you, 

And if I was ready to accept the challenge. 

I smiled, 

And I just had this newfound excitement 

And urge to teach you how to play the drums.

I wanted to teach you what I could, 

You smiled, 

And said that meant everything to you.

I remember me promising to teach you, 

The plan was to teach you next summer, 

I would visit you in July, 

Spend a few weeks with you, 

And teach you how to play the drums.  

You were so happy to hear my plan, 

And you could not wait for me to teach you

And share what I could with you. 

I remember my plan being shattered in a few months, 

When you were diagnosed with dementia, 

A cruel disease that murdered your sweet mind, 

A mind that shared love, wisdom and strength to me, 

Reduced to confusion and terror. 

It hurt seeing you in that state

And not being able to do anything about it. 

It hurt knowing that the man I knew was gone, 

And would never come back.

And I desperately wanted and needed you back, 

I prayed and prayed in hopes that you would return, 

But you never did. 

You were gone.

I remember feeling hurt that you couldn’t remember. 

You couldn’t remember all the letters we wrote to each other. 

You couldn’t remember all the lessons you taught me. 

You couldn’t remember all the songs you played for me.

You couldn’t remember all the movies and TV shows we watched together. 

But most importantly, 

You couldn’t remember all the conversations we had together.

Those conversations meant everything to me, 

They connected me to you,

And helped shape who I am today. 

Although I was hurt that you couldn’t remember, 

I was still thankful that I could remember. 

And hold onto those conversations.

I remember making a promise to myself, 

After you had passed away.

I promised to always remember. 

As long as I remember, 

You will always still be in my heart, 

As long as I remember, 

You will live on through me. 

As long as I remember, 

I can never forget you 

And all the times we had together. 

But most importantly, 

As long as I remember an old conversation we had together, 

I know I’m making you proud. 

A Loving Escape

I want to be a place you feel safe.

I want to be a place you call home.

I want to be considered the best place on Earth for you.

A place where you can relax your mind.

A place where I’m your peace.

Let me be a sweet dream you never want to wake up from.

A dream that takes you away from the nightmares of this world.

Let me be all that and more for you.

I want to cater to you.

I want to fulfill all your wants and needs.

I don’t want to fail you.

I want to be a place you can be yourself.

A place you can be free.

You don’t need to be scared.

I’m holding on to you and never letting go.

My love will always be here to comfort and support you.

I promise that it’s not going anywhere.

It’s here for you,

And it’s only for you.

When you feel alone,

I’ll be there for you.

When you don’t feel heard,

I’ll listen to you.

When you need encouragement,

I’ll provide it.

When you need love,

I’ll give it to you.

I want to be place full of love and kindness for you.

A place full of optimism and hope.

A place full of care and support.

I want to be that more than anything for you.

You have my word.

I want to provide you a different kind love.

A love you have never received before.

A love that you’ve been yearning and waiting for.

A love that’s a safe haven for you.

That’s all I want to do for you.

I want to love you like you’ve never been loved before.

I don’t want to give you a fairy tale love.

A love based on imagination and promising possibilities.

A love that assumes we’ll be happily ever after.

A love that is typical and practiced constantly in this world.

You don’t deserve that kind of love.

You deserve real love.

A love based on facts and evidence.

A love that never makes assumptions.

A love that is different and unique in this world

Nothing more and nothing less.

You deserve a love that is simply a loving escape.

Come Back

Life isn’t the same without you.

I want us together again.

Please, come back to me.

Come back into my spirit.

I miss you.

I miss who I used to be.

I can’t continue living life like this.

It’s damaging my soul not having you around.

I’m lost in a world full of darkness.

Please come back and be my light.

I need to see again.

I want to see the world so clearly again.

I can’t be anything without you.

It’s a struggle to survive.

Please revive me.

I want life in this vessel again.

I want to thrive and be happy again.

Happiness seems like a distant, impossible dream now.

Depression is sadly my dark, twisted fantasy.

It’s a nightmare that I can never wake up from.

Unless you come back to me.

Come back to me, please.

I’ll do anything to have you back.

I need you back.

Please, come back to me.

Can you come back to me?

I hope you can.

I hope it’s not too late.

Come back.

I Want More

I want more in this world.

I can’t settle for less anymore.

I can’t just survive.

I long and crave for everything I’ve imagined.

There’s a hunger I have that I need to satisfy.

I settled for crumbs for too long.

I almost starved myself to death.

I have a thirst that will never be quenched with an empty glass.

I need to fill my glass up.

I have to have everything I want and more.

I’m tired of just surviving.

I want to be thriving.

There’s no way I can stay in the same place.

I can’t keep going through the same, boring, safe cycle.

I long for adventure.

I long for danger and excitement.

I long for opportunities that eyes can’t see.

I want to go through changes.

I can’t be who I am now for the rest of my life.

I want to be better.

I want to evolve.

I want to grow.

I want to be different.

I want more.

A Slow Process

The process of healing from anything is slow.

All it takes is a little faith, patience and trust.

There were times that I didn’t have time to trust the process.

Life was pushing me to hurry up a slow process.

Sometimes I would just forget about the whole process altogether.

Healing took too much time.

I couldn’t afford to give healing all my time.

Life had all my time.

The problems of life were always on my mind.

The pursuit of healing and happiness seemed like an impossible dream.

It seemed like only a few could have it.

Why couldn’t I be a part of the few?

Why was I a part of the masses that couldn’t heal or find happiness?

I wondered.

Every little thing in life just distracted me.

All the pain and hurt I kept inside held me hostage.

I could never be free.

I was always a slave to the past.

I thought freedom was an impossibility.

I’m free from bandage now.

Yet the wounds are still fresh and visible to me.

I hope they can disappear soon.

Or maybe they’ll just end up being a scar I barely notice.

It’s important to remember healing requires faith, patience and trust.

Healing is a slow process.

A Silly, Old Picture

I found a silly, old picture of myself.

It was taken years ago.

I looked so young.

I seemed so happy in this picture.

I also looked so silly.

Why did I close my eyes in this picture?

Actually, I did that a lot in pictures when I was younger.

It’s a shame.

I really do have some nice, light brown eyes.

I really had a lot of hair.

I can’t imagine myself with a lot of hair today.

Why did my parents decide to cut it?

I guess it would’ve been a lot to take care of it.

They had their own problems to deal with at that time.

They had some serious problems that they could never solve.

My hair was one less problem for them.

I really had a big smile in this picture.

I didn’t care that my teeth were all over the place.

It didn’t matter to me.

I just wanted to smile.

Why was it so easy to smile?

Now, it’s a little hard with my crooked smile.

I try to hide it at times because it doesn’t look right to me.

I got braces now to help with that problem.

Hopefully, I can have the perfect smile soon.

Life seemed so easy.

Life seemed so simple.

Life seemed like something else in this silly, old picture.

Happy Days

Lately it’s been easier to smile.

It feels like I haven’t had a sad thought in ages.

I’m proud of myself.

I’m proud of who I’m becoming and who I will be.

I can see myself clearly in the mirror.

There’s a certain level of excitement that I have for myself.

It’s a new feeling that I never thought I could have.

I really am heading in the right direction.

There’s no misdirection in sight.

Everything for me is visible and seen.

I feel visible and seen.

I remember carrying so much hurt.

I remember handling unnecessary shame.

I remember fighting demons.

I remember being lost and afraid.

I remember those days all too well.

Those days remain in the past.

Yet they haunt me every now and then in the present.

I hope I don’t have those days again in the future.

For now, I want to enjoy these days I’m having now.

They’re precious and priceless to me.

They mean everything to me.

I want them to last forever.

I’m thankful for these days.

These happy days.