Dream Girls: Part Thirteen

I find myself trapped in a gigantic room,

Space is all around me,

But I’m surrounded by four yellow walls,

There’s no door in sight,

There’s a just small window,

I squint to see what’s out the window,

But I can only see total darkness,

I need to get a closer look out there.

I slowly get up,

But I quickly wince in pain,

I look down at my body,

And I notice I was stabbed two times on my right side.

Blood starts dripping down my body,

And I quickly apply pressure,

And I rush to the small window in front of me.

I start running towards the window,

But I notice the room feels a little smaller,

Almost like the walls are closing in,

As I get closer to the window,

I now see the walls are closing in,

I stop where I’m at,

And the walls stop closing in.

I don’t understand,

Am I just supposed to stay in this room with the yellow walls?

Am I just supposed to keep bleeding?

Am I just supposed to die here?

I don’t want to get crushed to death,

But I don’t want to bleed myself to death.

I can’t just stay here,

I would rather move forward,

I would rather go to the window.

I start running towards the window,

And the yellow walls start closing in on me.

The pain on my side is getting worse,

I’m still losing to much blood,

It’s getting harder to breathe,

I’m struggling to run towards the window,

And I want to give up,

But I’m determined to make it to the window.

By the time I make it to the small window,

The once gigantic room is now like a small bedroom,

There’s no space whatsoever,

And I have little time,

My vision is getting blurry,

I barely have the strength to stand up,

Or even open this window,

I only have one opportunity for salvation.

I try to open up the window,

But I can’t do it,

The yellow walls are getting closer to my body,

And it feels like I’m in a closet.

I start banging on the window,

Trying desperately to break the glass,

I’m making little progress with the window,

The yellow walls eventually reach my body,

And I can no escape these yellow walls.

I’m slowly getting crushed by the yellow walls,

I can hear my bones cracking,

And blood flooding out of my body,

I’m in excruciating pain,

All of sudden,

There’s a change in the window,

I look through the window,

And see a familiar, frightening woman staring at me,

Smiling in delight of my suffering,

And enjoying my demise,

Everything turns black.

Enjoy the Dream

I can’t believe I’m in a better place now,

I never thought I would make it to this point,

This can’t be real,

How did I make it here?

How did I endure so much?

I still don’t know,

I think I’m dreaming

And living a terrible nightmare.

How long can I enjoy this dream?

How long will I be here,

Before I have to go back?

I fear this dream will not last long,

And I will soon wake up to a harsh reality,

But I can’t deny that I’m experiencing a beautiful dream,

Full of happiness and peace at last,

I’ve been waiting patiently for this dream,

I’ll try my best not to worry so much,

I’ll try my best to enjoy this dream.

I’m Not Doing Enough

It hurts that I’m never doing enough in your eyes,

I do try my best,

But it’s never enough for you.

I’m constantly trying to get better,

I’m constantly looking for ways to improve,

But you demand immediate perfection.

You demand more from me,

I used to appreciate it,

But now it just defeats me.

Your disappointments in me take away my motivation,

They take away the joys I had in improving.

You’re not proud of me,

I’m a failure in your eyes,

You don’t even know how much that hurts me.

Maybe you don’t even care,

You just want me to be the best,

And you won’t be satisfied until I am the best.

Maybe I don’t want to be the best anymore.

It’s been exhausting for me,

And I don’t even know if it’s worth it anymore.

Maybe I should stop,

Maybe I should give up,

After all,

I’m not doing enough.

I’m Missing Me

I wish I could see myself again,

I barely recognize who I am now,

I’m lost and afraid,

I’m not myself anymore.

It’s been so long since I’ve seen myself,

Where did I go?

What am I even trying to do now?

I’m trying to survive,

I’m trying to get through the days,

I’m trying to avoid new possibilities,

I’m trying to forget about enjoying life,

I hate who I’ve become,

I used to be more vibrant,

I used to be more positive,

I used to be happy,

I’m missing who I once was,

I’m missing me.

Today is a Hard Day

Today is just hard for me,

I hope I’m doing alright,

I hope this is just a rare day,

That is just all too familiar for me.

I hope I’m doing everything right,

I wish I could know for sure,

I hate having doubt,

I hate that I can’t believe in myself.

Will I always hate myself?

Why can’t I love myself?

Why is it a struggle to stay positive?

I guess if it was easy,

Everyone could do it.

I’m trying to do my best,

I’m trying not to worry so much,

But I can’t help it.

Worry creeps in my mind,

Doubt keeps me up at night,

Fear sleeps with me every night.

I thought I was doing better,

I thought I was over days like this one,

Today is not a good day for me,

Today I’m feeling like the old me,

Today I’m realizing a hard truth,

Today I’m having a hard day.

New Pages

I can’t keep writing on the same pages,

I’m running out of space,

And I can’t write as big as I used to.

I need to move on,

I need to let go of these pages,

And write in something new.

A new notebook would get the job done,

More pages means more freedom,

But I can’t let go of these pages,

I’ve put in years for these pages,

There’s so much content in these pages,

I can’t help but smile

Every time I go back to these old pages.

How could I just start over?

How could I just write in an empty notebook?

Am I really ready for a new beginning?

Or can I still hold on to these old pages just a little longer?

Unfortunately, I don’t have a choice.

Change is inevitable,

Change will always come,

It can either be welcomed or come unannounced

Do I delay the inevitable,

Or should I welcome new pages?

Remembering the Good Times

I’m missing you a lot today,

I’m remembering the last time I saw you,

And it wasn’t the best experience,

You were unrecognizable,

You were breaking my heart,

You were a broken, confused version of yourself,

But it wasn’t your fault,

It was a cruel disease that murdered your sweet mind.

It was such a shame.

You had such a beautiful mind and heart,

And you were always willing to share it with me.

You shared love, wisdom and strength to me.

It was hard watching you disappear.

It’s hard not to think about you at your lowest,

But I’m trying my best to remember you at your best.

I’m trying to forget about the bad times,

I’m trying to remember the good times.

A Foggy Path

I remember walking through a foggy path,

I was not sure if I was ever going to make it to my destination,

Nothing was clear to me,

There was only fog surrounding me,

I didn’t know how far away I was from reaching the end,

I didn’t even know if I was on the right path,

But I had no choice,

All I could do was move forward.

I wanted to regress,

And forget about my destination.

But then going back scared me even more,

I didn’t want to go back to where I was,

It was a terrible place,

And it was even scarier than the foggy path,

I could see clearly the environment I hated with a passion,

I was depressed and struggling to find happiness,

At least on the foggy path,

I couldn’t see what was surrounding me,

There were only two options,

All I could do was focus on one of them,

I despised the first option,

And chose the second option every single day,

Because I wanted to progress.

After so much time passed,

I eventually made it to the end,

And I was happier than I had ever been,

I remember everything finally being so clear to me,

It was a dream come true,

All because I went through the foggy path.

My Prison Sentence

I remember not feeling free in life,

It felt like I was trapped,

And there was no way for me to escape.

I was rotting away,

Losing the will to keep going,

Losing the determination to reach my goals,

Losing the passion to want more.

I was settling,

And struggling to believe more was possible for me.

I was just trying to survive,

I was just trying to stay out of trouble,

I was just trying to keep my head down,

I was just trying to serve my time,

I was just trying to get through my prison sentence.

Keep You Around

I have a strong attraction for you,

I want to explore it more,

And I know you don’t mind us being closer,

You even encourage it and welcome it,

It doesn’t really matter too much to you,

It’s just all on me to act,

But there’s something stopping me from doing so,

There’s something stopping me from being closer to you.

I just know I can’t have that type of relationship with you.

It just doesn’t feel right,

It’s wrong,

You’re not good for me,

But I can’t help but be curious about the possibility of us.

Why am I struggling to let you go completely?

No, why am I refusing to let you go completely?

I know why,

I still want to depend on you,

I still want to hold on to you,

I still want to fantasize about you,

I still want to picture us together,

Even though I know we’re not good together,

You’re not the right match for me,

But I still want to keep you around.