Praying For Nothing

I remember the first time I was praying for nothing,

I wasn’t expecting anything in return,

I was just praying a meaningless prayer that day,

I didn’t care if God was listening to this prayer,

I believed God didn’t care,

I believed He was content in not doing anything for me,

I believed in my worst fears over Him,

And I was scared out of my mind for months,

I was letting nightmares consume me for months,

With no room for sweet dreams to keep me comfort.

Yet I still found myself praying,

Despite my heart not being into it,

Or no longer believing in the power of prayer,

I still prayed that I could get better again,

I still prayed to find peace and happiness,

I still prayed expecting nothing in return.

A True Miracle

I remember I was praying for a true miracle to come my way,

During a time I didn’t even believe in miracles,

During a time I was away from God,

I remember being truly broken,

And just praying because I had no other options.

I was just praying to pass the time,

But it was strangely calming my worries,

I ended up praying for years for a miracle to come my way,

But a clear miracle never came my way,

All I heard was complete silence.

Yet I somehow found the strength to keep going,

I somehow found life to be beautiful again,

I somehow found happiness again,

I somehow found peace again,

In all those years of praying.

Maybe I didn’t need a clear miracle to come my way,

Or maybe the miracle wasn’t so simple,

Maybe I just needed to keep trying,

Maybe I just needed to keep going,

Maybe that’s a true miracle.

I’m Not Doing Enough

It hurts that I’m never doing enough in your eyes,

I do try my best,

But it’s never enough for you.

I’m constantly trying to get better,

I’m constantly looking for ways to improve,

But you demand immediate perfection.

You demand more from me,

I used to appreciate it,

But now it just defeats me.

Your disappointments in me take away my motivation,

They take away the joys I had in improving.

You’re not proud of me,

I’m a failure in your eyes,

You don’t even know how much that hurts me.

Maybe you don’t even care,

You just want me to be the best,

And you won’t be satisfied until I am the best.

Maybe I don’t want to be the best anymore.

It’s been exhausting for me,

And I don’t even know if it’s worth it anymore.

Maybe I should stop,

Maybe I should give up,

After all,

I’m not doing enough.

I’m Missing Me

I wish I could see myself again,

I barely recognize who I am now,

I’m lost and afraid,

I’m not myself anymore.

It’s been so long since I’ve seen myself,

Where did I go?

What am I even trying to do now?

I’m trying to survive,

I’m trying to get through the days,

I’m trying to avoid new possibilities,

I’m trying to forget about enjoying life,

I hate who I’ve become,

I used to be more vibrant,

I used to be more positive,

I used to be happy,

I’m missing who I once was,

I’m missing me.

New Pages

I can’t keep writing on the same pages,

I’m running out of space,

And I can’t write as big as I used to.

I need to move on,

I need to let go of these pages,

And write in something new.

A new notebook would get the job done,

More pages means more freedom,

But I can’t let go of these pages,

I’ve put in years for these pages,

There’s so much content in these pages,

I can’t help but smile

Every time I go back to these old pages.

How could I just start over?

How could I just write in an empty notebook?

Am I really ready for a new beginning?

Or can I still hold on to these old pages just a little longer?

Unfortunately, I don’t have a choice.

Change is inevitable,

Change will always come,

It can either be welcomed or come unannounced

Do I delay the inevitable,

Or should I welcome new pages?

Remembering the Good Times

I’m missing you a lot today,

I’m remembering the last time I saw you,

And it wasn’t the best experience,

You were unrecognizable,

You were breaking my heart,

You were a broken, confused version of yourself,

But it wasn’t your fault,

It was a cruel disease that murdered your sweet mind.

It was such a shame.

You had such a beautiful mind and heart,

And you were always willing to share it with me.

You shared love, wisdom and strength to me.

It was hard watching you disappear.

It’s hard not to think about you at your lowest,

But I’m trying my best to remember you at your best.

I’m trying to forget about the bad times,

I’m trying to remember the good times.

A Foggy Path

I remember walking through a foggy path,

I was not sure if I was ever going to make it to my destination,

Nothing was clear to me,

There was only fog surrounding me,

I didn’t know how far away I was from reaching the end,

I didn’t even know if I was on the right path,

But I had no choice,

All I could do was move forward.

I wanted to regress,

And forget about my destination.

But then going back scared me even more,

I didn’t want to go back to where I was,

It was a terrible place,

And it was even scarier than the foggy path,

I could see clearly the environment I hated with a passion,

I was depressed and struggling to find happiness,

At least on the foggy path,

I couldn’t see what was surrounding me,

There were only two options,

All I could do was focus on one of them,

I despised the first option,

And chose the second option every single day,

Because I wanted to progress.

After so much time passed,

I eventually made it to the end,

And I was happier than I had ever been,

I remember everything finally being so clear to me,

It was a dream come true,

All because I went through the foggy path.

My Prison Sentence

I remember not feeling free in life,

It felt like I was trapped,

And there was no way for me to escape.

I was rotting away,

Losing the will to keep going,

Losing the determination to reach my goals,

Losing the passion to want more.

I was settling,

And struggling to believe more was possible for me.

I was just trying to survive,

I was just trying to stay out of trouble,

I was just trying to keep my head down,

I was just trying to serve my time,

I was just trying to get through my prison sentence.

Keep You Around

I have a strong attraction for you,

I want to explore it more,

And I know you don’t mind us being closer,

You even encourage it and welcome it,

It doesn’t really matter too much to you,

It’s just all on me to act,

But there’s something stopping me from doing so,

There’s something stopping me from being closer to you.

I just know I can’t have that type of relationship with you.

It just doesn’t feel right,

It’s wrong,

You’re not good for me,

But I can’t help but be curious about the possibility of us.

Why am I struggling to let you go completely?

No, why am I refusing to let you go completely?

I know why,

I still want to depend on you,

I still want to hold on to you,

I still want to fantasize about you,

I still want to picture us together,

Even though I know we’re not good together,

You’re not the right match for me,

But I still want to keep you around.

Being On Autopilot

I remember it being hard to enjoy life,

There were even times it was moving fast,

And I wasn’t even a part of it.

I was mostly on autopilot,

Just trying to get through hard days.

I wanted to forget those days

And pretend I had little to no control over them.

I refused to find the joy and gladness of those days,

I only wanted misery,

It was a struggle to love life,

It was easy to have a negative perspective on life,

It was easy to blame the world for my problems,

It was easy to hold on to the past,

It was easy to stay in the same place,

It was easy to be on autopilot.