Love in the Margins

I remember the first day that we met,

You were lost and asking for directions to a formal event,

You were attending alone,

It was the same that I was going to as well,

And I was also attending alone.

You were a sight to behold,

You wore a beautiful red dress that traced your silhouette effortlessly,

Lipstick the perfect shade of bold,

Long black hair resting gently on your shoulder.

Light brown eyes that caught mine,

And refused to let go.

We would walk together to the event,

We stayed almost instinctively close to each other,

We laughed like we had known each other longer than a night,

The connection between us was pure and easy,

It felt right to be with you,

To guide you to the event.

When we made it to the event,

I thought we would go our separate ways,

But you wanted to be with me,

You still wanted us to be together,

You didn’t want any limitations.

And it felt natural being with you,

I had never wanted close proximity with someone,

Never wanted to see a smile up close,

Never wanted to memorize every detail about a person,

Could you be something more to me?

Could you be my opportunity to experience real love?

Could the possibilities be endless for us?

We were close after the event,

And you wanted us to be closer that night,

Closer than conversation,

Closer than laughter,

But I hesitated,

Because I knew crossing that line,

Would mean I could never return to who I was before.

So I went home and pretended restraint was strength,

But my imagination betrayed me,

I pictured staying with you all night,

Pictured the red dress falling like surrender,

Pictured us closing the space that we pretended not to feel.

We kept growing closer,

Learning each other’s fears and dreams,

You had me all to yourself,

I skipped obligations,

Let responsibilities blur,

Bent pieces of myself,

Just to fit into your world.

I wanted you to be the one,

The one I crossed the line for,

The one I learned love with for the first time,

But then you shook my world,

With a confession that would change everything.

Someone else already had your heart.

You were committed and anchored somewhere else,

But you still wanted me,

You told me I could have a place too,

Just not the whole place.

There would be boundaries.

There would be limits.

And that’s when the real battle began,

Things were now different and apparent,

Every time I moved closer,

I felt the invisible wall.

Every laugh was followed by restraint

Every touch carried hesitation,

Every hope came with a disclaimer.

I was fighting to claim space,

In a heart that was already occupied,

But I told myself love is complex,

Love isn’t always clean,

Maybe real love has its limits.

But deep down I wanted something more,

I wanted something reckless and whole,

I wanted something with no rules,

I did not want borrowed time,

Nor did I want shared devotion,

I wanted love without footnotes,

Without conditions or margins,

And you could not give that to me,

So I had to let you go.

But I wonder now,

Was I foolish to walk away?

Should I have accepted the space you offered me?

Should I have learned to love in the margins?

The Monster Behind Me

It comes every night.

Right when the world goes quiet,

And the lights stop pretending they protect me.

It’s never in front of me,

It stays behind me.

Always behind me,

Although this is scary,

This is strangely comforting for me,

Because I know where it will always be.

This monster frightens me,

My skin tightens when it’s near,

And my heartbeat forgets its rhythm,

And becomes a broken hymn swallowed by the dark.

It’s always so close to me,

I can hear it breathing through the dark,

It’s wet and slow,

Like it’s savoring the thought of me,

It wants me hollow,

It wants me shaking,

It wants me alive long enough to enjoy,

Savoring the thought of eating me alive.

So I run away from it,

Not because I think I’ll escape,

But because stopping feels worse,

Stopping means I have to finally face it,

So I run until my legs burn,

I run until my thoughts blur,

I run until exhaustion feels like mercy.

They say if I turn around and face it,

Something different will happen,

Something new will come my way,

They say it will lose its power,

They say it feeds on my fear,

But what if they’re wrong?

What if it’s stronger when seen?

What if it’s waiting for me to finally look at it?

I can’t face it like a madman,

With eyes wide open,

Pretending to be brave,

When all I can feel is terror in my heart,

If I turn around and it’s real,

If I turn around and it smiles,

What happens after that?

I refuse to find out,

I can’t face the unknown,

I have to keep running.

And running.

And running away from it,

That’s the choice I have to choose.

It torments me in unimaginable ways,

It drags my mind through every failure,

Every unfinished dream,

Every version of myself that didn’t survive,

And I only keep running,

And enduring all the nightmares it inflicts on me.

I want to believe there’s hope,

I want to believe I’m braver than this,

But that’s just wishful thinking.

I’m stuck in my own ways,

I’m used to running from it,

I’m used to the sound it makes when it’s close,

I’m used to how it keeps me low and alone,

I’m used to it nibbling at me,

Piece by piece,

Taking things that can’t be replaced,

Until I don’t recognize what’s left of me.

This monster will always follow me.

This monster will always be behind me.

I don’t run to escape it anymore,

I run to pretend it hasn’t already won.

I Wasn’t Supposed to Notice You

You were never part of the plan,

Especially not here of all places,

Not between tasks and passing hours,

Not while I was busy becoming more,

Busy becoming someone whole on my own.

I was focused on my work,

Focused on my discipline,

Focused on keeping my world small and contained,

Devoted only to God and myself,

Or so I told myself,

But then you appeared.

Glasses catching the light like a pause in time,

Brown eyes behind the frame,

So steady and warm,

Curly hair framing your face,

As if it had a mind of its own,

You were just soft chaos impossible to ignore,

And a thought I wasn’t meant to finish.

Now you arrive unannounced,

Sliding through my phone like a whisper,

And I tell myself not to linger,

Not to desire you more,

Like a precious gem admired only through glass,

But I hesitate every time our paths cross,

Caught between restraint and want.

You feel real in a way you shouldn’t.

You’re not loud or demanding,

But you’re just present,

You’re effortless,

And hard to resist.

I want to admire you quietly,

From a distance I swear I’ll keep.

I don’t want more,

That’s the truth I repeat like a prayer.

I only want the spell to loosen,

For your name to stop echoing,

In the back of my mind.

But you’re a drug I would never touch,

Yet I wonder about your taste,

Whether it’s love on the tongue,

Or a beautiful nightmare in disguise.

I rewind and rewind,

Lingering too long on moments,

That were never meant for me.

I’m praying this doesn’t deepen.

I’m praying that I can forget you,

But I worry that it’s too late,

Because I’ve already noticed you,

And now every version of forgetting,

Feels like a lie.

I carry your shadow in the corners of my mind,

A fleeting echo I can’t leave behind.

I Chose What I Knew

I miss you today,
Not in the way love demands,
But in the quiet ways that linger.
I miss our conversations,
The laughter that came easily,
The adventures that felt simple.
But more than anything,
I miss the friendship we once held,
And I wish it could still live here.

I remember the day you told me you loved me.
I didn’t know what to say.
It surprised me,
Not because it wasn’t sincere,
It was because my heart didn’t know how to meet yours there.

So I told you I had love for you too,
Trying to be careful with my words,
Making it clear that I’m talking about friendship,
Hoping that would be enough.
Then I tried to move forward
As if nothing had changed,
Pretending the moment hadn’t shifted us.
I knew it wasn’t fair,
But I was trying to protect us,
And what we already had.

You grew bolder with your hope.
You asked me, quietly and then clearly,
To imagine more with you.
And I chose not to see the signs,
Not because I didn’t value you,
But because I valued the safety of what we were.

I couldn’t envision love with you.
I couldn’t force a feeling
That wasn’t growing inside me.
And you deserved someone who was certain about you.
Someone who could choose love without hesitation.

I was content being your friend.
I was grateful for where we stood.
But you asked me to take a leap of faith,
And I chose something else,
I didn’t choose fear,
But I chose honesty.
I placed my faith in truth over desire,
In clarity over confusion.
We weren’t meant to walk the same path forward,
And I finally learned to accept that.

So yes, I miss you today.
I miss the time, the closeness, the ease we once had,
But I don’t regret the choice I made.

You walked away because friendship wasn’t enough for you,
And I respect that.
But friendship was enough for me.
It was safe.
It was genuine.
It meant everything in the way I knew how to give.

I didn’t choose love,
Not because I lacked it,
But because I didn’t understand it back then.I chose what I knew.
And today,
I’m grateful for what we were,
Even if we couldn’t become more.