The Beggar’s Bargain: Part One

I wish I could see her again.

Just once.

To hold her in my arms
And feel the warmth of her breath against my skin.
To hear her heart beating,
Slowly, softly,
Until it fell in sync with mine.

I would give anything for that.

Anything.

I still can’t believe she’s gone.
Some mornings, I wake up expecting her to be beside me.
Some nights, I reach across the bed
Only to find cold sheets beneath my hand.

She’s gone.

And no matter how many times I tell myself that,
My heart refuses to believe it.

God is cruel to me.

How am I supposed to keep living
When the person who made life worth living
Is no longer here?

So I stopped trying.

I stopped going home.
Stopped answering calls.
Stopped sleeping.
Stopped eating.

I started drinking instead.

It was easier.

There’s more liquor than blood inside of me now,
And every night I pour another glass
Hoping it will drown the memories.

It never does.

Her face still finds me in the dark.

Her voice still whispers in my dreams.

And every morning,
I wake up disappointed that I survived another night.

That night, the rain had soaked through my clothes.

I wandered through the city without knowing where I was going.
Streetlights flickered above me.
The sidewalks were empty.
Every window I passed was dark.

I felt like a ghost
Long before I ever died.

Then I saw him.

A beggar sitting beneath a broken streetlight.

At first, I barely noticed him.

His clothes were filthy.
His shoes were worn down to the soles.
His hair hung over his face, dripping with rain.

But something about him made me stop.

Maybe it was the way he sat perfectly still
While the rain poured around him.

Maybe it was the way he wasn’t shivering.

Or maybe…

It was the fact that he was staring directly at me.

I looked behind me.

There was no one else.

I turned back.

He was still watching.

His eyes were strange.

Too dark.

Too focused.

Like he wasn’t looking at my face.

Like he was looking through me.

I tightened my grip around the bottle in my hand
And started walking.

“Please.”

I stopped.

His voice was barely above a whisper.

I slowly turned around.

He held out one trembling hand.

I reached into my pocket.

“How much?”

He didn’t answer.

Instead, his head tilted slightly.

Then he smiled.

There was something wrong with his smile.

Too wide.

Too deliberate.

Like he had been waiting for me.

“I don’t want your money,” he said.

I stared at him.

“Then what do you want?”

His smile disappeared.

He looked at me for a long moment.

Then his eyes dropped to the photograph in my hand.

The one I carried everywhere.

The last picture I had of her.

My stomach tightened.

“How did you—”

“You want her back.”

It wasn’t a question.

I stepped backward.

The beggar slowly rose to his feet.

For the first time, I noticed how tall he was.

Far too tall.

His wet clothes clung to a body that looked unnaturally thin, almost skeletal.

He took one step toward me.

Then another.

“You’ve been asking for a way,” he whispered.

My heart began pounding.

“A way to see her again.”

I couldn’t speak.

He stopped inches away from me.

His breath smelled of something rotten.

Then he leaned toward my ear.

“I can give you what you want.”

I looked into his eyes.

“What would it cost?”

The beggar smiled again.

This time, I saw something behind his teeth.

Something that made my blood run cold.

“Everything has a price.”

He reached into his coat
And pulled out a small, black piece of paper.

He held it between two fingers.

“Make a deal with me…”

The rain suddenly stopped.

And the streetlight above us went dark.

“…and you can have her back.”

I should have run.

I should have thrown the bottle down
And disappeared into the night.

But desperation has a way of making monsters look like miracles.

So I reached for the paper.

And that was the moment
I made the worst mistake of my life.

To be continued…

Under the Red Umbrella

The rain started wrong tonight,

A whisper instead of a warning,

A hush laid over the world,

Like something trying not to wake the dead.

Each drop felt deliberate.

Measured.

Like a countdown I couldn’t hear finish.

I walk anyway,

The night wraps around me,

Like a secret too heavy to hold.

It was almost a good day,

Balanced on the edge of something whole.

Until it split open.

Until she slipped through the cracks,

That I pretended weren’t there.

I reach for my umbrella,

But absence answers me.

It’s an empty space,

Something familiar that should be with me,

Just like her.

Five minutes to the bus stop.

Twenty minutes to wait.

An eternity to remember.

The rain thickens,

Not heavier,

Just closer.

Clinging to my skin like it recognizes me.

A second rhythm threads itself into the night.

Footsteps.

Sharp as glass.

Soft as guilt.

I turn.

It’s a woman behind me.

Stitched together by shadow and distance.

Walking beneath a red umbrella,

That bleeds color into the dark.

The red umbrella glows.

It’s not bright,

But it’s alive.

Something in me recoils.

Something else leans closer.

Something too familiar,

Reminds me of her.

I keep walking.

So does the woman under the red umbrella.

Our steps braid together

Mine and hers,

Until I can’t tell

Which sound belongs to me.

The rain swallows everything else.

The city dissolves.

And suddenly,

I am not alone with what I’ve done.

The bus stop waits,

Empty and hollow,

A place meant for leaving,

That feels more like being found.

She stands beside me now,

Close enough that the air shifts.

Close enough that I feel colder for it.

The rain unravels,

The world blurs,

Edges melting,

Colors bleeding,

Until everything becomes one long wound of red.

Silence falls like a curtain.

I’m dry.

The storm stops touching me,

As if I’ve stepped outside of it,

Or into something deeper.

I’m under the red umbrella.

I thank the woman for covering me,

She doesn’t answer.

I look at her face,

It’s fragmented,

Like a broken mirror,

Reflecting something I don’t want to recognize.

But I do.

Memory rises,

Like something drowning,

The argument,

Sharp and spiraling,

Her voice cracking,

My hands tightening,

The moment everything fragile gave way.

The rain that night,

Just like this night,

It was soft enough to hide the sound of something ending.

And the umbrella was red,

A bright wound against the dark.

I left her there.

Folded into the pavement.

Wrapped in silence.

Sheltered by something that couldn’t save her.

My breath fractures.

Her head tilts,

Slow and mechanical,

Like grief learning how to move again.

She steps closer.

Close enough that I fall into her shadow.

Close enough that I see what’s left of her.

She’s not whole.

She’s not human.

She’s just a memory,

Reshaped into something that refuses to stay buried.

Her fingers find mine,

Cold as the space between heartbeats.

She cries that I forgot her.

Her voice isn’t sound,

It’s pressure,

It’s weight,

It’s the echo of something that never stopped screaming.

The umbrella dips lower,

The red spreads wider,

Dripping into the world,

Dripping into me,

Until I can’t tell where it ends and I begin.

The rain beyond it is no longer rain,

It’s thicker,

Heavier,

Falling like consequence.

I understand now,

I was never walking home.

I’ve been walking inside the moment I tried to leave behind.

Looping it.

Living it.

Becoming it.

Because she never left.

She just waited.

Patient as the rain.

Quiet as regret,

Under the red umbrella,

Where I left her.

And it is now where I stay.

I Whispered His Name to Death

I remember the first time I saw him,

He was arrogant and loud,

He still is to this day,

He is a man swollen with a twisted belief,

That nothing in this world stood above him.

The rules bend around him like frightened servants.

He is a true menace in plain sight.

Yet everyone adored him,

They worshipped the man who never loses,

The man who lives for the race,

The man who runs,

As if Death itself could never catch him.

But I saw the truth in him,

He is a thief wearing a crown

And then there was her,

The girl I loved in silence for a year,

From the shadows,

From the corners where my eyes could linger,

Without ever being seen.

She was perfect.

Too perfect for the world that surrounded her.

Her smile was soft,

Like something sacred only meant for me.

She was supposed to be mine,

And he noticed me staring at her.

He looked at her,

Then at me,

And asked if she’s mine.

I froze.

Just for a moment.

A single moment too long,

And that was all he needed.

He walked over to her,

As if she were a prize,

Waiting to be claimed.

He made her laugh in ways

I had rehearsed a thousand times in my head.

Her smile widened for him,

Her voice was soft and gentle,

Sweet enough to haunt my dreams.

Her body leaned toward him,

And his hand rested against her arm,

Like it had always belonged there.

She was supposed to be mine,

And he stole her from me,

Like it was nothing to him,

Like taking a coin from a beggar’s hand.

So I confronted him.

I demanded what was mine,

And he laughed,

Laughed like I was a joke

God forgot to finish writing.

Then he offered me a race for her.

He would even give me a head start.

He asked with a wicked smile,

“How badly do you want her?”

He knew.

He knew I couldn’t beat him.

But I ran anyway.

Because she was watching.

Surely she would see the truth.

Surely she would see that he was a monster.

A man who didn’t deserve her.

A man who would treat her like another trophy,

To hang on his wall.

I looked back,

And saw her clinging to him,

Looking at him like he was a god.

Why couldn’t she see what I see?

I ran,

I ran until my lungs burned,

Slowed down a little,

Not even sure if I was close to the finish line,

I had to look back,

Not understanding her devotion,

To her new god she just met.

As I was looking back,

He started running,

And he was already past me,

Eyes locked on the finish line,

Not even acknowledging me.

What happened to my head start?

He won.

Of course he won.

Years passed.

He never stops running,

He never stops flaunting her in my face,

She has his children now.

He doesn’t care about her,

The way I do,

He doesn’t love her,

The way I do,

He stole her from me,

Because it amused him.

Because it was a game to him.

I hate him.

I hate him in ways that poison the blood.

Every breath I take tastes like him.

Every night his laughter crawls through my skull.

I cannot outrun him.

I cannot beat him.

But there is one thing that can.

I whisper his name to Death.

Softly.

Over and over again.

Like a prayer spoken in the dark.

Death listens.

Death is patient.

Death waits for the right door.

And when Death finally knocks on his door,

I will be waiting.

Take him.

Break him.

Make him feel the terror,

Of being chased.

Let him run,

Until his legs shatter,

Until his lungs drown in fear.

Make him understand what it feels like to lose.

I would gladly give my life,

For that moment.

Take my breath.

Take my soul.

Take every second I have left.

Just for a chance,

For him to see Death.

Love in the Margins

I remember the first day that we met,

You were lost and asking for directions to a formal event,

You were attending alone,

It was the same that I was going to as well,

And I was also attending alone.

You were a sight to behold,

You wore a beautiful red dress that traced your silhouette effortlessly,

Lipstick the perfect shade of bold,

Long black hair resting gently on your shoulder.

Light brown eyes that caught mine,

And refused to let go.

We would walk together to the event,

We stayed almost instinctively close to each other,

We laughed like we had known each other longer than a night,

The connection between us was pure and easy,

It felt right to be with you,

To guide you to the event.

When we made it to the event,

I thought we would go our separate ways,

But you wanted to be with me,

You still wanted us to be together,

You didn’t want any limitations.

And it felt natural being with you,

I had never wanted close proximity with someone,

Never wanted to see a smile up close,

Never wanted to memorize every detail about a person,

Could you be something more to me?

Could you be my opportunity to experience real love?

Could the possibilities be endless for us?

We were close after the event,

And you wanted us to be closer that night,

Closer than conversation,

Closer than laughter,

But I hesitated,

Because I knew crossing that line,

Would mean I could never return to who I was before.

So I went home and pretended restraint was strength,

But my imagination betrayed me,

I pictured staying with you all night,

Pictured the red dress falling like surrender,

Pictured us closing the space that we pretended not to feel.

We kept growing closer,

Learning each other’s fears and dreams,

You had me all to yourself,

I skipped obligations,

Let responsibilities blur,

Bent pieces of myself,

Just to fit into your world.

I wanted you to be the one,

The one I crossed the line for,

The one I learned love with for the first time,

But then you shook my world,

With a confession that would change everything.

Someone else already had your heart.

You were committed and anchored somewhere else,

But you still wanted me,

You told me I could have a place too,

Just not the whole place.

There would be boundaries.

There would be limits.

And that’s when the real battle began,

Things were now different and apparent,

Every time I moved closer,

I felt the invisible wall.

Every laugh was followed by restraint

Every touch carried hesitation,

Every hope came with a disclaimer.

I was fighting to claim space,

In a heart that was already occupied,

But I told myself love is complex,

Love isn’t always clean,

Maybe real love has its limits.

But deep down I wanted something more,

I wanted something reckless and whole,

I wanted something with no rules,

I did not want borrowed time,

Nor did I want shared devotion,

I wanted love without footnotes,

Without conditions or margins,

And you could not give that to me,

So I had to let you go.

But I wonder now,

Was I foolish to walk away?

Should I have accepted the space you offered me?

Should I have learned to love in the margins?

The Monster Behind Me

It comes every night.

Right when the world goes quiet,

And the lights stop pretending they protect me.

It’s never in front of me,

It stays behind me.

Always behind me,

Although this is scary,

This is strangely comforting for me,

Because I know where it will always be.

This monster frightens me,

My skin tightens when it’s near,

And my heartbeat forgets its rhythm,

And becomes a broken hymn swallowed by the dark.

It’s always so close to me,

I can hear it breathing through the dark,

It’s wet and slow,

Like it’s savoring the thought of me,

It wants me hollow,

It wants me shaking,

It wants me alive long enough to enjoy,

Savoring the thought of eating me alive.

So I run away from it,

Not because I think I’ll escape,

But because stopping feels worse,

Stopping means I have to finally face it,

So I run until my legs burn,

I run until my thoughts blur,

I run until exhaustion feels like mercy.

They say if I turn around and face it,

Something different will happen,

Something new will come my way,

They say it will lose its power,

They say it feeds on my fear,

But what if they’re wrong?

What if it’s stronger when seen?

What if it’s waiting for me to finally look at it?

I can’t face it like a madman,

With eyes wide open,

Pretending to be brave,

When all I can feel is terror in my heart,

If I turn around and it’s real,

If I turn around and it smiles,

What happens after that?

I refuse to find out,

I can’t face the unknown,

I have to keep running.

And running.

And running away from it,

That’s the choice I have to choose.

It torments me in unimaginable ways,

It drags my mind through every failure,

Every unfinished dream,

Every version of myself that didn’t survive,

And I only keep running,

And enduring all the nightmares it inflicts on me.

I want to believe there’s hope,

I want to believe I’m braver than this,

But that’s just wishful thinking.

I’m stuck in my own ways,

I’m used to running from it,

I’m used to the sound it makes when it’s close,

I’m used to how it keeps me low and alone,

I’m used to it nibbling at me,

Piece by piece,

Taking things that can’t be replaced,

Until I don’t recognize what’s left of me.

This monster will always follow me.

This monster will always be behind me.

I don’t run to escape it anymore,

I run to pretend it hasn’t already won.

Dream Girls: Part Fifteen

I find myself lost in a forest,

I’m wearing some red sunglasses,

It’s weird seeing such a red world,

I think about taking off the red sunglasses,

But I stop myself for some reason,

And look around my environment,

But I quickly hear a storm is brewing,

It makes sense,

Light is nowhere in sight,

Thunder is getting ready to rumble loud and proud,

Letting its voice be heard,

My heart starts beating faster,

Because I’m in such a dark world,

And I can only see red around me.

Why am I wearing these red sunglasses?

Why am I lost in a forest?

I need to get out of here,

And I need to remember why I’m here.

I start wandering through the forest,

I’m walking for what feels like hours

And I’m trying to find something,

But I don’t even know what I’m searching for,

I’m lost and afraid,

The night begins to blanket the forest,

Total darkness is all around me,

But all I see is a red world.

Rain starts falling from the sky,

I need find shelter as soon as possible,

Something tells me it’s dangerous to be in this forest,

An evil is lurking in this forest,

Waiting to devour me,

Waiting to take me out,

Waiting for me in this dark world.

All of sudden,

Salvation is in front of me,

I find myself in front of a small house,

I see no door,

It looks like it only has one room,

But it has a small window,

Maybe I can get through the small window,

Maybe this is an opportunity to save myself,

And hide myself from this dark forest.

At least until the morning comes along.

Before I can do anything,

Someone comes behind me,

And stabs me on my right side,

It hurts so much,

I turn around to see who stabbed,

My heart drops when I see it’s her.

She’s the dark figure I was running away from,

She’s the reason I’m here now,

I’m struggling to move,

And she takes the red sunglasses off of me,

And stabs me again on my right side.

She smiles in delight of my pain,

And I immediately start running away from her,

But she’s not chasing me,

She’s watching me run away in fear,

She’s watching me lose so much blood,

She’s watching me die.

I put some distance between me and her,

And I get closer to the small house,

But then I notice there’s a whole city behind the house

Maybe I should keep running,

Instead of running to the small house,

But I don’t think I can make it to the city,

It’s getting harder to run and breathe,

And I just need a place to rest,

In this dark forest.

I make it to the small house,

And rush towards the small window,

It’s the only way for me to enter the house,

I look inside the house through the window,

And I see for yellow walls,

And nothing else,

I turn back around,

And see her slowly coming my way

I have to break the window,

I have to get inside for safety,

I start banging on the window,

Trying desperately to break the glass,

I’m trying not to think about the blood,

Trickling down my body,

But I can’t stop banging the window,

I have to break the glass,

This is my only opportunity to find salvation.

She’s getting closer and closer to me,

And I’m so close to breaking the glass,

I can already feel my body ready to give up,

But I still muster up the strength to keep going,

And break the glass,

I jump into the open window,

And fall to the ground,

So glad to see four yellow walls around me,

Surrounding me,

Protecting me from her and the dark forest,

Everything turns black.

Dream Girls: Part Fourteen

The sun is slowly rising up in the sky,

A new day is finally about to start,

I’m sitting on a black boulder in a vast forest,

I look around

And admire the priceless scenery that surrounds me,

The sun is close to setting,

And it’s about to provide the blue sky with an array of colors.

A slight breeze is quietly touching me,

It means me no harm.

It’s only meant to provide me a sound mind,

I stare into the sparkling river in front of me,

The rapid flow of the river is pleasing to my ears.

My heart starts beating fast,

There’s something wrong here,

There’s something not quite right here.

This place feels all too familiar,

Yet so wrong in every way.

There’s something missing here,

Actually there’s someone missing here,

This place is deceiving me,

And I need the truth now.

Something strange starts to happen,

The river gets louder,

The breeze becomes the wind,

The branches on trees start to break and make noises,

But the sky remains the same,

The orange sun shines bright in the blue sky.

A twig breaks behind me,

And I see a woman in an all black cloak,

I can see her clearly,

She has a menacing look on her face,

And I see she has a knife in her right hand,

And shattered red sunglasses in her left hand,

When I see the sunglasses,

I instantly remember who was supposed to be with me here,

In this place.

I try to run away,

But she reaches me,

Before I can even make an attempt to escape,

And she stabs me in the stomach.

She pulls the knife out quickly,

And blood starts pouring on the ground,

I stagger backwards,

I’m struggling to breathe,

And I’m trying to comprehend this unfortunate event,

All of a sudden,

The strangest thing starts to happen,

The orange fades away,

The blue sky is covered with gray clouds,

My beautiful scenery is slowly fading away,

I’m staggering backwards,

And I fall into the river,

But then I find myself in some sort of white tub,

Everything turns white.

Until everything turns black.

Dream Girls: Part Thirteen

I find myself trapped in a gigantic room,

Space is all around me,

But I’m surrounded by four yellow walls,

There’s no door in sight,

There’s a just small window,

I squint to see what’s out the window,

But I can only see total darkness,

I need to get a closer look out there.

I slowly get up,

But I quickly wince in pain,

I look down at my body,

And I notice I was stabbed two times on my right side.

Blood starts dripping down my body,

And I quickly apply pressure,

And I rush to the small window in front of me.

I start running towards the window,

But I notice the room feels a little smaller,

Almost like the walls are closing in,

As I get closer to the window,

I now see the walls are closing in,

I stop where I’m at,

And the walls stop closing in.

I don’t understand,

Am I just supposed to stay in this room with the yellow walls?

Am I just supposed to keep bleeding?

Am I just supposed to die here?

I don’t want to get crushed to death,

But I don’t want to bleed myself to death.

I can’t just stay here,

I would rather move forward,

I would rather go to the window.

I start running towards the window,

And the yellow walls start closing in on me.

The pain on my side is getting worse,

I’m still losing to much blood,

It’s getting harder to breathe,

I’m struggling to run towards the window,

And I want to give up,

But I’m determined to make it to the window.

By the time I make it to the small window,

The once gigantic room is now like a small bedroom,

There’s no space whatsoever,

And I have little time,

My vision is getting blurry,

I barely have the strength to stand up,

Or even open this window,

I only have one opportunity for salvation.

I try to open up the window,

But I can’t do it,

The yellow walls are getting closer to my body,

And it feels like I’m in a closet.

I start banging on the window,

Trying desperately to break the glass,

I’m making little progress with the window,

The yellow walls eventually reach my body,

And I can no escape these yellow walls.

I’m slowly getting crushed by the yellow walls,

I can hear my bones cracking,

And blood flooding out of my body,

I’m in excruciating pain,

All of sudden,

There’s a change in the window,

I look through the window,

And see a familiar, frightening woman staring at me,

Smiling in delight of my suffering,

And enjoying my demise,

Everything turns black.

Dream Girls: Part Twelve

I find myself in a white bath tub,

The water is running,

And the tub is only half full with water,

The water is clear,

There’s steam all around,

And I can barely see anything,

But I can tell that I’m in a bathroom,

How did I get here?

Why am I here in the first place?

I try to get out of the bath tub,

But I’m struggling to get out for some reason,

I’m actually in a little bit of pain,

I look down,

And I’m shocked to see the water is no longer clear,

It’s becoming a little red,

I’m horrified that it’s due to the blood from my own body,

My heart starts beating faster,

How did this wound suddenly appear?

How did I get stabbed in the stomach?

The water is still running,

I have to stop it from overflowing the tub.

But before I can do anything,

I hear a door slowly open,

I turn to my right,

And I see only darkness through the doorway,

No light whatsoever.

A shadow figure enters the bathroom,

It looks like it’s a woman,

But I can’t tell right away.

The pain starts to intensify,

But it feels strangely familiar.

Water and my blood overflows the bathtub,

And pour right on the floor,

It’s getting harder to breathe,

It’s getting harder to stay alive,

Death is near and very close to me.

The dark figure comes behind me,

And submerges me deep into the tub,

Water fills my lungs,

And takes over my body,

I’m drowning with no way to escape,

She has me pinned down,

I will be dead soon,

Everything turns black.

Dream Girls: Part Eleven

I’m losing a lot of blood,

I’m laying in a pool of my own blood,

I can’t see anything around me,

My vision is blurred,

Death is knocking on my door,

And there’s nothing I can do about it.

I’m trying to find the strength to move,

I’m trying to crawl somewhere to safety,

Because something tells me that I’m not safe.

Danger is around the corner,

Just waiting to pounce and take my life away.

I’m fearing for my life,

But I don’t remember how I got here?

Did I do something to deserve this cruel fate?

Or was I just in the wrong place at the wrong time?

I’m in desperate need for answers,

But I need to survive and escape this current unfortunate situation.

How did I get to this point?

How can I not remember?

I’m looking down at my body,

And I discover that I was stabbed three times.

Two stabs on my side,

And one stab in my stomach.

There’s no way I can move right now,

Even if I wanted to,

I would lose too much blood,

I’ve already lost too much blood anyways,

My fate has already been sealed,

All I can do is accept death with open arms.

I hear a door suddenly open behind me,

It sounds like someone in heels are walking towards me,

And I instantly remember everything.

My heart starts beating faster and faster,

And my vision is now slowing starting to fade away completely.

A dark figure stands above me,

With a bloody knife in her right hand

Although my vision is fading away,

I know who it is that’s trying to end my life,

She’s truly dark and evil,

She slowly gets on top of me,

Reaches for something in her left pocket,

I already know what she’s bringing out,

They’re the red, shattered sunglasses.

She places the red, shattered sunglasses on my face

And gets ready to plunge her knife into my chest.

Everything turns black.