The Monster Behind Me

It comes every night.

Right when the world goes quiet,

And the lights stop pretending they protect me.

It’s never in front of me,

It stays behind me.

Always behind me,

Although this is scary,

This is strangely comforting for me,

Because I know where it will always be.

This monster frightens me,

My skin tightens when it’s near,

And my heartbeat forgets its rhythm,

And becomes a broken hymn swallowed by the dark.

It’s always so close to me,

I can hear it breathing through the dark,

It’s wet and slow,

Like it’s savoring the thought of me,

It wants me hollow,

It wants me shaking,

It wants me alive long enough to enjoy,

Savoring the thought of eating me alive.

So I run away from it,

Not because I think I’ll escape,

But because stopping feels worse,

Stopping means I have to finally face it,

So I run until my legs burn,

I run until my thoughts blur,

I run until exhaustion feels like mercy.

They say if I turn around and face it,

Something different will happen,

Something new will come my way,

They say it will lose its power,

They say it feeds on my fear,

But what if they’re wrong?

What if it’s stronger when seen?

What if it’s waiting for me to finally look at it?

I can’t face it like a madman,

With eyes wide open,

Pretending to be brave,

When all I can feel is terror in my heart,

If I turn around and it’s real,

If I turn around and it smiles,

What happens after that?

I refuse to find out,

I can’t face the unknown,

I have to keep running.

And running.

And running away from it,

That’s the choice I have to choose.

It torments me in unimaginable ways,

It drags my mind through every failure,

Every unfinished dream,

Every version of myself that didn’t survive,

And I only keep running,

And enduring all the nightmares it inflicts on me.

I want to believe there’s hope,

I want to believe I’m braver than this,

But that’s just wishful thinking.

I’m stuck in my own ways,

I’m used to running from it,

I’m used to the sound it makes when it’s close,

I’m used to how it keeps me low and alone,

I’m used to it nibbling at me,

Piece by piece,

Taking things that can’t be replaced,

Until I don’t recognize what’s left of me.

This monster will always follow me.

This monster will always be behind me.

I don’t run to escape it anymore,

I run to pretend it hasn’t already won.

The Choice to Wake

I want to wake from this long slumber,

I’m tired of sleeping with my eyes open,

Afraid I’ll never know the moment,

When morning finally comes.

The darkness is heavy here.

Shadows stretch across endless halls,

The only sound here is fear,

Echoing its own lies back to me,

As silence presses in,

Doubt feels louder than truth.

I wait for another voice,

Not the whispers that keep me small,

But a voice that calls me higher,

That dares me to see beyond,

Far from the walls of night and closed doors.

I don’t want darkness to be all I know.

I don’t want sleep to feel like safety anymore.

It’s time to wake up.

It’s time for a new day to begin.

Help me believe when my eyes adjust to the light.

Help me choose truth when lies feel familiar.

I choose You over this,

I choose You over fear,

I choose You over comfort,

I choose You over deception.

I reject the whispers that say I’m trapped.

I reject the lies that say night is permanent.

For I know truth is the light that breaks the dark.

I know truth doesn’t just wake me.

I know it saves me.

I know it frees me.

Enjoy the Dream

I can’t believe I’m in a better place now,

I never thought I would make it to this point,

This can’t be real,

How did I make it here?

How did I endure so much?

I still don’t know,

I think I’m dreaming

And living a terrible nightmare.

How long can I enjoy this dream?

How long will I be here,

Before I have to go back?

I fear this dream will not last long,

And I will soon wake up to a harsh reality,

But I can’t deny that I’m experiencing a beautiful dream,

Full of happiness and peace at last,

I’ve been waiting patiently for this dream,

I’ll try my best not to worry so much,

I’ll try my best to enjoy this dream.

A Foggy Path

I remember walking through a foggy path,

I was not sure if I was ever going to make it to my destination,

Nothing was clear to me,

There was only fog surrounding me,

I didn’t know how far away I was from reaching the end,

I didn’t even know if I was on the right path,

But I had no choice,

All I could do was move forward.

I wanted to regress,

And forget about my destination.

But then going back scared me even more,

I didn’t want to go back to where I was,

It was a terrible place,

And it was even scarier than the foggy path,

I could see clearly the environment I hated with a passion,

I was depressed and struggling to find happiness,

At least on the foggy path,

I couldn’t see what was surrounding me,

There were only two options,

All I could do was focus on one of them,

I despised the first option,

And chose the second option every single day,

Because I wanted to progress.

After so much time passed,

I eventually made it to the end,

And I was happier than I had ever been,

I remember everything finally being so clear to me,

It was a dream come true,

All because I went through the foggy path.

Enduring a Journey

It’s so easy to hate a journey

Why is that?

I think it’s because it’s easy to gravitate to the things we can control.

For instance,

A journey can become long, tiring and unbearable.

When that happens,

It’s hard to be determined,

It’s hard to be positive,

It’s hard to be grateful,

It’s hard to be faithful,

It’s hard to be the best version of yourself,

When you have no idea when your journey will come to an end.

The things you once controlled are no longer safely with you.

They’re either gone forever,

Or they’ll make some appearances here and there on your journey,

So what do you do?

Naturally,

You gravitate towards negativity,

You gravitate towards sadness,

You gravitate towards laziness,

You gravitate towards fear,

You know these things won’t help you in your journey,

But they’re the things you can have control over in the middle of your journey.

They comfort and distract your from your journey.

Enduring a journey brings out the worst in us.

Enduring a journey can be scary.

Enduring a journey can be hard.