I’m Here For You Now

I have to stop putting all the pressure on you.

I expect you to do so much,

Carry so much,

And accomplish so much.

It’s unfair to you.

I have to do my part, too.

Otherwise, I will not see you come to life.

You need me now.

I have to be motivated and determined now for you

Because I want to see you in this world.

I want to see you thriving and living life to the fullest.

I want to see you happy.

I want to see you finding joy and positivity in any situation,

Whether it’s good or bad,

Because I struggle with that now.

I’m doing better,

But I want you to be better than me.

Please be better, stronger and wiser than me.

Please be the person I always imagined you would be.

Please be all that and more.

I hope and pray you are,

But more importantly I will do my best for you.

I will put in the work for you to be here.

I will make you a reality in this world.

I will stop putting everything on you.

I will relieve that unnecessary pressure and weight

You’ve been carrying for too long.

I’m here for you now.

An Old Conversation

I remember we had a lot of conversations together. 

Some silly and weird, 

Some serious and deep, 

Some fun and exciting, 

Some normal and ordinary. 

Despite all of these conversations, 

There’s an old conversation we had that I’ll never forget.

An old conversation that means the world to me, 

Even after so many years. 


I remember we were in your music room, 

It was such a small, cramped room. 

You always managed to make it big and wondrous

Like Wonderland for time was all messed up, 

Time had gone mad and jazz was the only thing that made sense. 

I remember all the unnecessary papers

Stacked and spread around like skyscrapers in a city, 

There was no room to explore this confined, 

Yet marvelous city

That you designed. 


I remember you had just finished playing the saxophone.

You serenaded me, 

Your only subject in your glorious empire, 

With your beautiful, magical playing. 

That day I was in a world of pure imagination,

And I could simply look around and view paradise. 

I wish I could have that day again once more

Why did that day ever have to go? 

I wonder. 


I remember you wanting to hear my thoughts, 

And all I could do was give you praise, 

And just cheer you on for such a wonderful performance

That was truly meant for me. 

You smiled

Like you had just completed a hard fought mission

That required the perfect execution,

And I had appreciated that from you

Because you were a hero to me, 

And you will always be one of the greatest heroes to me. 

No one could ever take your place.


I remember us starting our old conversation, 

It was a conversation I was not expecting to have with you, 

But I’m glad we had it

Because it would ultimately change me, 

And shape who I am today.

Without that old conversation, 

I would be a different person today. 


I remember you asking if I could teach you, 

Specifically how to play the drums. 

You wanted me to teach you, 

But I was not sure I could 

Because I only had a few years of experience,

And I thought you needed to learn from someone 

That was more experienced than me, 

Considering how you were an experienced saxophone player, 

One of the best in my opinion, 

There was just no way I could teach you.


I remember you laughing, 

When I refused to teach you,

And how you said something so profound and real, 

Something I can never forget, 

And I’ll always hold it close to my heart.

You said there’s power and beauty 

In sharing anything you can with others.

God calls us to share with others

Because we should strive to help others grow

And change for the better,

But more importantly,.

We have gifts and talents 

That are meant to be shared 

With others and the world, 

If we don’t share what we have, 

Then we are doing a disservice to ourselves and God. 

Always share what you can. 


I remember being astounded and awe-inspired

By your words of wisdom, 

I apologized for saying I could not teach you, 

But you assured me that I was fine,

You understood where I was coming from. 

Then you asked if I was ready to teach you, 

And if I was ready to accept the challenge. 

I smiled, 

And I just had this newfound excitement 

And urge to teach you how to play the drums.

I wanted to teach you what I could, 

You smiled, 

And said that meant everything to you.


I remember me promising to teach you, 

The plan was to teach you next summer, 

I would visit you in July, 

Spend a few weeks with you, 

And teach you how to play the drums.  

You were so happy to hear my plan, 

And you could not wait for me to teach you

And share what I could with you. 


I remember my plan being shattered in a few months, 

When you were diagnosed with dementia, 

A cruel disease that murdered your sweet mind, 

A mind that shared love, wisdom and strength to me, 

Reduced to confusion and terror. 

It hurt seeing you in that state

And not being able to do anything about it. 

It hurt knowing that the man I knew was gone, 

And would never come back.

And I desperately wanted and needed you back, 

I prayed and prayed in hopes that you would return, 

But you never did. 

You were gone.


I remember feeling hurt that you couldn’t remember. 

You couldn’t remember all the letters we wrote to each other. 

You couldn’t remember all the lessons you taught me. 

You couldn’t remember all the songs you played for me.

You couldn’t remember all the movies and TV shows we watched together. 

But most importantly, 

You couldn’t remember all the conversations we had together.

Those conversations meant everything to me, 

They connected me to you,

And helped shape who I am today. 

Although I was hurt that you couldn’t remember, 

I was still thankful that I could remember. 

And hold onto those conversations.


I remember making a promise to myself, 

After you had passed away.

I promised to always remember. 

As long as I remember, 

You will always still be in my heart, 

As long as I remember, 

You will live on through me. 

As long as I remember, 

I can never forget you 

And all the times we had together. 

But most importantly, 

As long as I remember an old conversation we had together, 

I know I’m making you proud. 

A Loving Escape

I want to be a place you feel safe.

I want to be a place you call home.

I want to be considered the best place on Earth for you.

A place where you can relax your mind.

A place where I’m your peace.

Let me be a sweet dream you never want to wake up from.

A dream that takes you away from the nightmares of this world.

Let me be all that and more for you.

I want to cater to you.

I want to fulfill all your wants and needs.

I don’t want to fail you.

I want to be a place you can be yourself.

A place you can be free.

You don’t need to be scared.

I’m holding on to you and never letting go.

My love will always be here to comfort and support you.

I promise that it’s not going anywhere.

It’s here for you,

And it’s only for you.

When you feel alone,

I’ll be there for you.

When you don’t feel heard,

I’ll listen to you.

When you need encouragement,

I’ll provide it.

When you need love,

I’ll give it to you.

I want to be place full of love and kindness for you.

A place full of optimism and hope.

A place full of care and support.

I want to be that more than anything for you.

You have my word.

I want to provide you a different kind love.

A love you have never received before.

A love that you’ve been yearning and waiting for.

A love that’s a safe haven for you.

That’s all I want to do for you.

I want to love you like you’ve never been loved before.

I don’t want to give you a fairy tale love.

A love based on imagination and promising possibilities.

A love that assumes we’ll be happily ever after.

A love that is typical and practiced constantly in this world.

You don’t deserve that kind of love.

You deserve real love.

A love based on facts and evidence.

A love that never makes assumptions.

A love that is different and unique in this world

Nothing more and nothing less.

You deserve a love that is simply a loving escape.

Come Back

Life isn’t the same without you.

I want us together again.

Please, come back to me.

Come back into my spirit.

I miss you.

I miss who I used to be.

I can’t continue living life like this.

It’s damaging my soul not having you around.

I’m lost in a world full of darkness.

Please come back and be my light.

I need to see again.

I want to see the world so clearly again.

I can’t be anything without you.

It’s a struggle to survive.

Please revive me.

I want life in this vessel again.

I want to thrive and be happy again.

Happiness seems like a distant, impossible dream now.

Depression is sadly my dark, twisted fantasy.

It’s a nightmare that I can never wake up from.

Unless you come back to me.

Come back to me, please.

I’ll do anything to have you back.

I need you back.

Please, come back to me.

Can you come back to me?

I hope you can.

I hope it’s not too late.

Come back.

I Want More

I want more in this world.

I can’t settle for less anymore.

I can’t just survive.

I long and crave for everything I’ve imagined.

There’s a hunger I have that I need to satisfy.

I settled for crumbs for too long.

I almost starved myself to death.

I have a thirst that will never be quenched with an empty glass.

I need to fill my glass up.

I have to have everything I want and more.

I’m tired of just surviving.

I want to be thriving.

There’s no way I can stay in the same place.

I can’t keep going through the same, boring, safe cycle.

I long for adventure.

I long for danger and excitement.

I long for opportunities that eyes can’t see.

I want to go through changes.

I can’t be who I am now for the rest of my life.

I want to be better.

I want to evolve.

I want to grow.

I want to be different.

I want more.

A Silly, Old Picture

I found a silly, old picture of myself.

It was taken years ago.

I looked so young.

I seemed so happy in this picture.

I also looked so silly.

Why did I close my eyes in this picture?

Actually, I did that a lot in pictures when I was younger.

It’s a shame.

I really do have some nice, light brown eyes.

I really had a lot of hair.

I can’t imagine myself with a lot of hair today.

Why did my parents decide to cut it?

I guess it would’ve been a lot to take care of it.

They had their own problems to deal with at that time.

They had some serious problems that they could never solve.

My hair was one less problem for them.

I really had a big smile in this picture.

I didn’t care that my teeth were all over the place.

It didn’t matter to me.

I just wanted to smile.

Why was it so easy to smile?

Now, it’s a little hard with my crooked smile.

I try to hide it at times because it doesn’t look right to me.

I got braces now to help with that problem.

Hopefully, I can have the perfect smile soon.

Life seemed so easy.

Life seemed so simple.

Life seemed like something else in this silly, old picture.

Late Night Call

I remember the first and only time I heard your voice on the phone.

It was late at night,

And I was relaxing in bed.

You called me,

And I eagerly answered.

I was excited to hear your soothing, gentle voice

On a quiet, sleepless night.

It was warm and calming

Like a campfire on a beach.

Your voice put me in a dream-like, relaxing place.

A place that I really can’t describe.

A place that I never wanted to leave.

I remember wanting to learn everything about you.

I was intrigued and eager to learn.

I didn’t want you to hold anything back.

Thankfully, you didn’t disappoint me.

You told me about your dream of being a housewife.

Your desire to be more spiritual and closer to God.

Your obsession over a specific actor and his movies.

Your fears and worries,

You told me these things and many more without hesitation.

I admired you for that.

You were so open and honest with me.

You were real and authentic.

But most importantly,

You were not afraid to share yourself with me.

I was afraid to share myself with you that night.

I couldn’t share all of me with you.

There were reasons holding me back from doing such a thing.

Reasons that I couldn’t really ignore,

Despite you giving me such a sweet dream.

Reasons were telling me to wait.

Reasons were telling me to stay back,

When I wanted to get closer to you.

I wanted to open myself up to you.

I wanted to trust you so much that night,

But reasons wouldn’t allow it.

They refused to allow it.

How could they be so unfair to you?

Our late night call had a time limit,

And it was coming to an end.

It was late at night,

And we both had work in the morning.

We needed to end our call.

I didn’t want to say goodbye to you.

I didn’t want to wake up to reality.

I wanted to stay with you in this pleasant dream,

But I remember dreams don’t last forever.

They’re temporary,

And they end in an instant with or without your approval.

They may also never come back to you again,

Just like our first and only late night call.

Far, Far Away

I wonder about our future together,

I wonder if we’re meant to last forever,

I wonder to avoid the harsh reality,

I slip down the rabbit hole,

And I know I shouldn’t get lost like Alice in Wonderland

But I can’t help it,

Wondering is just another way of avoiding.

I should just talk to you

And tell you how I feel,

But I can’t do such a thing,

I’m too afraid to do such a trivial thing,

Yet I act like I’m so big, bold and strong

When I’m a really a cowardly lion in Oz.

There’s no place like you,

Yet I want to be in a world of pure imagination,

A place like Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory

Full of sweets and all my desires,

Can that really be a better paradise than you?

There’s no way of knowing without going,

Yet I don’t want to be far from you,

I don’t want to be far from home,

But it’s too late,

I’m already far, far away.

An Undesirable Gem in America

My people are an undesirable gem in America.

We’re special and priceless,

But worthless in America,

Unless we’re submissive to the rules of America,

No matter how unfair or unreasonable they are to us.

We have to shut up and be grateful.

Shut up and America will treat us right on their own time.

Shut up or America will tear gas us.

Shut up or America will shoot us without hesitation.

Shut up or America will suffocate us,

So that we can’t breathe.

All we have to do is shut up,

Then we’ll be worthy of America’s conditional love.

After all, America is known as the land of the free,

Yet my people have never seen freedom in America.

We have only seen enslavement, torture, persecution and abuse,

That never ends because of the color of our black skin.

Police officers must be happy they can choose when to be blue.

Police officers can be free whenever.

That form of freedom must be nice.

Don’t we have a right to fight for freedom?

Don’t we have a right to want more?

Don’t we have a right to want a better future?

Don’t we have a right to matter?

No, that’s too much in America.

We’re asking for too much in America.

America would like it better if we didn’t ask at all.

Is that too much to ask?

America wonders.

Meanwhile, America’s other gem can do whatever they want,

Thanks to the color of their white skin.

They don’t have to worry about basic human rights.

They don’t have to worry about freedom.

They don’t have to worry about mattering.

America loves them.

They can protest little inconveniences like wearing a mask.

They can even storm and terrorize the Capitol Building,

Simply because an election did not go their way.

No repercussions will come their way.

America will think about them.

America will see the hurt that they’re going through.

America will be patient with them.

America will be kind to them.

America will listen.

America will hope to alleviate the pain and stop the crying,

Because they matter.

I wish for my people to matter to America.

I wish America could see my people’s priceless worth.

I wish my people can have the privileges of the other gem.

I pray my people never forget we are priceless and special.

We are black and proud,

We are worthy of freedom and love in this country.

We have to remember and know our worth and beauty,

Despite being an undesirable gem in America.

Letting You Go

I thought that it would be impossible to let you go.

It’s a miracle that I was able to do so.

You always had me itching and wanting your attention and love.

You were medicine for me.

It’s a fact,

I can’t lie about that.

You were a drug that gave me a special kind of high,

Yet you were also a drug that was detrimental to my mind, body and soul.

You were a goddess in my eyes.

I worshipped you without hesitation.

I believed in you with determination,

When I should’ve known that you were a false idol.

I never had a chance,

I was lost in your trance.

I was hypnotized by your physical beauty.

I fantasized about you,

When I knew that I should’ve kept my distance.

But you would not allow it.

You depended on me.

You told me I was a comfort for you.

You told me I was reassurance for you.

You told me I was an angel to you.

You told me I was the sweetest and kindest to you.

You told me I was somebody that you could count on.

You told me I was so much for you,

Yet you were so little for me.

You were never going to let me go.

You intended to keep me as your prisoner,

But I longed for freedom.

It was tiring and exhausting to be with you.

I had to give you so much,

And you were content in giving me so little.

That was never going to change.

You envisioned a future with me.

You had these big plans and dreams for us,

But they were not meant to be.

Disappointments, heartache and hurt was our future.

You tried to tell me that things would get better between us.

You tried to tell me that you were going to change.

At that point,

I knew that they were just mere words.

I could finally tell.

You did not mean any of those words you spoke to me.

They were just lies to keep me under your spell.

I had a chance at love with you,

But I knew that it was not going to be real love.

It would have been an illusion with you.

I even had this delusion that you loved me in your own way.

Maybe I just needed to take a chance with you

And hope you would change in time.

Sadly, I could not trust in chance and hope.

I had to trust the evidence.

I had to let you go.