Living Without You

I can’t get you out of my head.

Sometimes I wish you were dead to me, but I need you stay alive.

I need you like a junkie needs drugs.

I lie to myself and say you’re harmless and pure like water.

I also say that you’re a necessity and nourishment like food.

I just can’t live without you.

I can’t be without you.

 

You’re everything to me, but I would never say that out loud.

I know my parents wouldn’t be proud of that, let alone God.

You’re a curse to me, but also a blessing.

It’s kind of depressing.

 

I often find myself suppressing any way out from you because I’m scared.

I’m scared of a life that I can control.

I’m scared of having full ownership of my soul.

I’m scared of no longer living in fear.

I’m scared of leaning on God’s understanding.

I’m scared of learning how to grow without you.

I’m scared of knowing where to go without you.

I’m scared of living without you.

 

You kept me strong when I was weak, but I know that you’re wrong for me.

I can’t keep holding on to you.

I have to let you go, so that I can be true again and no longer live in sin.

I have to believe that God will be there for me.

However, I can’t believe it because I can’t see it.

I’m blind to salvation because of you.

You cover me with your evilness and darkness.

I’ve sadly grown accustomed to you.

How did this happen?

I want to say you forced yourself on to me, but that would be a lie.

It was curiosity.

I turned a blind eye to your insanity and welcomed your vanity.

 

I should’ve known your generosity would come with a cost.

Now, I’m lost with you by my side.

I shouldn’t have let my flesh be my guide.

I should have trusted in my heart.

I should have trusted in my mind.

I should have trusted in Jesus.

I should have trusted in God.

Now, I’m stuck trusting in you and your wickedness.

Now, I can’t imagine living without you.

 

Thank you for reading “Living Without You,” a poem in the Nightmare series. Be sure to like, share and comment your thoughts on this poem.

Next week, I will be posting part one of a four-part series titled “The Philadelphia Girl” on Tuesday. Then, I will be posting part two on Thursday.