The Monster Behind Me

It comes every night. 

Right when the world goes quiet, 

And the lights stop pretending they protect me. 

It’s never in front of me,

It stays behind me. 

Always behind me, 

Although this is scary, 

This is strangely comforting for me, 

Because I know where it will always be. 

This monster frightens me, 

My skin tightens when it’s near, 

And my heartbeat forgets its rhythm, 

And becomes a broken hymn swallowed by the dark.

It’s always so close to me, 

I can hear it breathing through the dark, 

It’s wet and slow, 

Like it’s savoring the thought of me, 

It wants me hollow, 

It wants me shaking, 

It wants me alive long enough to enjoy, 

Savoring the thought of eating me alive. 

So I run away from it, 

Not because I think I’ll escape, 

But because stopping feels worse, 

Stopping means I have to finally face it, 

So I run until my legs burn,

I run until my thoughts blur, 

I run until exhaustion feels like mercy. 

They say if I turn around and face it,

Something different will happen,

Something new will come my way, 

They say it will lose its power, 

They say it feeds on my fear,

But what if they’re wrong? 

What if it’s stronger when seen? 

What if it’s waiting for me to finally look at it? 

I can’t face it like a madman, 

With eyes wide open, 

Pretending to be brave,

When all I can feel is terror in my heart, 

If I turn around and it’s real, 

If I turn around and it smiles, 

What happens after that? 

I refuse to find out, 

I can’t face the unknown, 

I have to keep running. 

And running. 

And running away from it, 

That’s the choice I have to choose. 

It torments me in unimaginable ways,

It drags my mind through every failure, 

Every unfinished dream, 

Every version of myself that didn’t survive,

And I only keep running,

And enduring all the nightmares it inflicts on me. 

I want to believe there’s hope,

I want to believe I’m braver than this,

But that’s just wishful thinking.

I’m stuck in my own ways,

I’m used to running from it, 

I’m used to the sound it makes when it’s close, 

I’m used to how it keeps me low and alone,

I’m used to it nibbling at me, 

Piece by piece,

Taking things that can’t be replaced, 

Until I don’t recognize what’s left of me. 

This monster will always follow me. 

This monster will always be behind me. 

I don’t run to escape it anymore, 

I run to pretend it hasn’t already won. 

I’m Not Doing Enough

It hurts that I’m never doing enough in your eyes,

I do try my best,

But it’s never enough for you.

I’m constantly trying to get better,

I’m constantly looking for ways to improve,

But you demand immediate perfection.

You demand more from me,

I used to appreciate it,

But now it just defeats me.

Your disappointments in me take away my motivation,

They take away the joys I had in improving.

You’re not proud of me,

I’m a failure in your eyes,

You don’t even know how much that hurts me.

Maybe you don’t even care,

You just want me to be the best,

And you won’t be satisfied until I am the best.

Maybe I don’t want to be the best anymore.

It’s been exhausting for me,

And I don’t even know if it’s worth it anymore.

Maybe I should stop,

Maybe I should give up,

After all,

I’m not doing enough.

I’m Missing Me

I wish I could see myself again,

I barely recognize who I am now,

I’m lost and afraid,

I’m not myself anymore.

It’s been so long since I’ve seen myself,

Where did I go?

What am I even trying to do now?

I’m trying to survive,

I’m trying to get through the days,

I’m trying to avoid new possibilities,

I’m trying to forget about enjoying life,

I hate who I’ve become,

I used to be more vibrant,

I used to be more positive,

I used to be happy,

I’m missing who I once was,

I’m missing me.

Today is a Hard Day

Today is just hard for me,

I hope I’m doing alright,

I hope this is just a rare day,

That is just all too familiar for me.

I hope I’m doing everything right,

I wish I could know for sure,

I hate having doubt,

I hate that I can’t believe in myself.

Will I always hate myself?

Why can’t I love myself?

Why is it a struggle to stay positive?

I guess if it was easy,

Everyone could do it.


I’m trying to do my best,

I’m trying not to worry so much,

But I can’t help it.

Worry creeps in my mind,

Doubt keeps me up at night,

Fear sleeps with me every night.


I thought I was doing better,

I thought I was over days like this one,

Today is not a good day for me,

Today I’m feeling like the old me,

Today I’m realizing a hard truth,

Today I’m having a hard day.

Please, Prove Me Wrong

I wish we could have a better relationship,

But I know it’s not possible

Because you want to remain in the past.

You want to hold on to the hurt and pain it caused you.

You’ve held on to it for years now,

And you’ve grown so dependent on it.

It’s like an addiction that you can’t get rid of so easily.

How long will you hold on to your addiction?

Do you really treasure it over me?

I don’t want to know the answers to those questions,

But I fear I already know the answers.

You’re an addict that desperately needs help,

I’ve tried my best to help you,

But I’m tired of my help leading us nowhere.

I’m tired of the same excuses,

I’m tired of the same lies,

I’m tired of the same empty promises,

I’m tired of the same pointless conversations,

I’m tired and need something different from you.

I’m worried that will never happen,

But I pray and hope I’m wrong.

But I fear I already know the answer.

Please, prove me wrong.